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Should I leave him?

(22 Posts)
UsedToBeASize10 Sun 13-Sep-15 21:33:49

I am contemplating whether to leave my OH, following a series of recent incidents. I don't feel I can keep confiding in the same two friends forever and really need to work it out for myself (plus, it's not fair to keep burdening them with the details of my failing relationship). I would really appreciate your feedback on this matter MNs, as I am in such a state of uncertainly I can't see the wood for the trees.

To put it into context, I am a mum of two DC's, both under 4, and my partner and I have been together for 7 years. We are not married (his decision, not mine - he doesn't believe in it) but we do own a lovely house together out in the country. On the surface of it all, we have everything going for us. Behind closed doors, however, things are quite different. In front of people, he acts like a doting partner/father of the year which irritates me no end. At home, he acts like a teenage boy - trashing the house, turning over the TV to suit himself (regardless of who is watching it), coming in drunk and late (like 1/2am) at least 2/3 times a week, ignoring my phonecalls when he is out drinking with his colleagues, and more besides. I am just so fed up with him leaving me to pretty much bring up the children alone and telling me that he 'works hard enough' for a living (granted, his commute is substantial) without 'having to do my work aswell.' Looking after two children alone 24/7 is so hard and moreover, not just my responsibility. What will happen when I return to work in a few months, I wonder? No doubt nothing will change - I will just be doing a double shift.

On to the main point - sorry for rambling. Recently, things have become quite uncomfortable at home and he has escalated his abuse from emotional to physical. In the last six months there have been three major 'attacks' so to speak. Not satisfied with putting me down about my 'shit salary' 'useless housewifery skills' or 'pretentious friends' he has started to get a bit physical. In the past, he has hit me, but just the once. To be fair, he was drunk and he was going through an immensely stressful experience at the time (grief). For this, he was sincerely apologetic. I do believe people make mistakes and deserve second chances most of the time. Since having DC2, however, he has thrown things at me (mainly full cans of drink - one actually bruised me), shouted in my face, slapped my hands, kicked me and yesterday told me to 'fucking shut up' in front of the DCs (this made me really furious - I made it clear I would not tolerate being spoken to in that way ESPECIALLY in front of the children). Needless to say, we are currently sleeping in separate bedrooms and he has spent the day snapping at me and repeatedly telling me to go and fuck myself (thankfully he didn't say it in front of the children this time) and reiterating that he didn't want to see me all day so I should fuck off out with the kids (I did, and we had a lovely day without him).

What I want to know is, is there any way this relationship could be salvaged do you think? I know he dearly loves the DCs and claims he loves me too, but he takes everything out on me and I am not sure how much more I can take. I might add that I actually asked him to leave last night and he just laughed in my face and yes, you guessed it, told me to fucking fuck off myself. As I type this, I realise he might be more vile than I had ever actually thought possible. Hard, as if he said sorry, told me he loved me and promised never to behave this way again I fear I would welcome him with open arms. I know some of you will say I need my head examined but please understand I love this man and want practical advice above anything else.

Thank you for reading.

Morganly Sun 13-Sep-15 21:37:25

No it can't be salvaged and yes to leaving.

hedgehogsdontbite Sun 13-Sep-15 21:44:36

No it can't be salvaged because he doesn't love you. Go and see a solicitor to find out exactly where you stand and how you go about getting him out of the house.

pocketsaviour Sun 13-Sep-15 21:49:13

OP, please call Womens Aid and speak to them for advice. This man is escalating the physical abuse and it's getting worse. How long do you think it will be before he hits you in front of the kids, or hits the kids? He could already be hitting the kids behind your back (god knows my dad did.)

WA will have a list, hopefully, of local solicitors who are good with dealing with cases of domestic abuse. You will probably need to call 101 and report the physical attacks. This might give you a way to get him out of the house on a non-molestation order. But WA can advise further.

WillowB Sun 13-Sep-15 21:50:07

How can you bear to live like this? What damage is this awful environment doing to your children?
You really need to put plans in place to leave

cheapskatemum Sun 13-Sep-15 21:57:07

The physical violence would be the deal breaker for me. Because you put up with it, your DH will continue to cross boundaries. I see no reason why he would change his behaviour once you have returned to work. Imagine explaining bruises, or having to come up with excuses for not going in because of harm he has done you. Your DCs will also grow up thinking that this is the way relationships work.

Enoughalreadyyou Sun 13-Sep-15 22:09:35

You certainly need to do something. The disrespect is intolerable. He is behaving like a teenage brat. Regain power over yourself. You need to leave him. He should leave it will only get worse.

SilverBadger Sun 13-Sep-15 22:29:24

This man treats you with utter contempt. In front of your DC.

He has been violent towards you and got away with it.

There is only one way this relationship will go from now on. His behaviour will worsen and you and the DC will suffer.

It is completely unsalvageable. It will soon become dangerous.

You need to get away from this man as soon as possible.

See a solicitor this week. Others here will hold your hand and offer practical advice based on experience.

CalmYourselfTubbs Sun 13-Sep-15 23:05:25

No, you don't need your head examined. you have done nothing wrong.
Yes, you should leave him.
Yes, he will hit you again.
And again and again and again.
get help - Women's Aid or a solicitor.
please talk to someone and get yourself and the kids away for this poor excuse for a man as soon as you can.

CalleighDoodle Sun 13-Sep-15 23:10:15

Yes you need to Leave. No it cannot be salvaged because he has absolutely no respect for you and he is abusive.

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere Sun 13-Sep-15 23:14:52

No, it can't. Please leave.

tribpot Sun 13-Sep-15 23:20:40

You love what you think this man is, or could be, if he could just find a way to remove all the abusive aspects of his personality - in other words, become someone he isn't.

You are becoming desensitised to the abuse, whilst it is getting worse. Your yardstick (and I'm sure his) is the time he actually hit you. Now he doesn't need to to achieve the same effect. All the while he avoids actually hitting you again you feel you don't have a mandate to leave. You do.

Your lovely house in the country sounds pretty impractical with you returning to work anyway - and since he clearly won't leave, I think you should get yourself out. Is there somewhere you can go - parents?

FWIW, he sounds like he is drunk a lot more than you realise. However, don't fall down the rabbit hole of imagining that drug or alcohol abuse is at the root of it and again if he/you could just sort that out all would be well. This is a man who neither loves nor respects you. He is becoming increasingly violent. It's time to get out.

whateverloser Sun 13-Sep-15 23:30:02

I agree that you have become desensitized to the abuse. It is incredible what we can get used to and what we can put up with. If someone had told me as a young woman, what I would end up tolerating from my xh, I would never have believed them. You have made excuses for his violence to yourself- blaming his grief, and you are trying to normalise it, when it isn't normal. I did exactly the same thing. He left me in the end and has been a very nasty man since ( I have a thread on here atm). Leave and regain control of your life. No one should tolerate abuse.

OneDay103 Sun 13-Sep-15 23:40:24

You love this man who is abusing you and damaging your children. Do you not realize your kids are already absorbing what's happening at home. He loves his kids you say? The same man who expects caring for them to be your job only.
No This can not be salvaged.

molyholy Sun 13-Sep-15 23:42:20

You need to leave. He has zero respect for you as a human being, never mind as a life partner and mother of his children. Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this? It will get worse as the dc's get older. You do not want to bring them up with him as a role model, seeing how he treats you as normal.

UsedToBeASize10 Mon 17-Apr-17 21:37:07

Looking back on this thread 18 months later has been interesting and enlightening, to say the least. Guess what? In December 2015 he contracted an STI which fortunately for me (not so fortunately for him), showed up on me straightaway. He was furious when I suggested he must have cheated. As ever, I parked the issue and stayed silently seething into the start of 2016. So, nothing much had changed at that point, really. However, as luck would have it (yes, I now realise it definitely was luck), he finally flipped a few weeks later and ended up strangling me before launching me down the corridor and into a door frame. I found the courage to call the police, have him removed and honestly, I've never looked back. Whilst I wanted to forgive him, this man was (and still is) utter scum and I am thankful that he is now somebody else's problem. Ultimately, he couldn't and wouldn't help himself and still maintains (to this very day) that this is all my fault. I feel nothing but sympathy for his new girlfriend (who, by the way, was on the scene very soon after the incident). I know what she has in store and have alluded to his past in the very brief conversations I have had with her. Still, it's her choice. I wish her luck. She will need it.

And what happened to me? Well, I stayed single for a while whilst I had a minor breakdown, took a month off work and allowed myself to grieve the loss of the life I thought I had lost. Then, when I felt ready (some 8 months later) I happened upon a lovely man who was sincere, kind, gentle, loving, thoughtful and absolutely doted on me. Naturally, I treaded with caution for the first six months or so, keeping him away from my DC'S while I sussed him (and 'us') out. The absolute last thing I wanted was to confuse them. But do you know what? He waited for me, went at my pace, met my children in time and is now showing himself to be a wonderful, positive influence in all of our lives. And today, I finally admitted to myself that I might just be a little bit in love with him. There's something I could never have imagined happening just a year ago.

So what's the point in this comment all this time later on? Well, here it is: you were ALL right - my ex's behaviour escalated and guess what? I honestly 100% believe that he'd have killed me in a fit of rage eventually had I have hung around. If just one woman reads my story and recognises herself in my words (and as a result, finds the courage to leave) then I consider this a success. It is painful and it is extremely hard but I promise you, whether you find someone else or not, life IS better out of such dangerous and controlling partnerships. I have no idea if my new relationship will last - there are no certainties in life - but I do know that his influence has so far been great and extremely uplifting. Believe you are worth it. YOU ARE. Please, if you ARE my old story, I urge you to leave. If you do, the next chapters of your life could look very different indeed.

Starlighter Mon 17-Apr-17 21:44:49

Oh OP! What a harrowing story but so happy that you found a way out! Wishing you all the best for the future flowers

pudding21 Mon 17-Apr-17 21:46:01

Wow!! What a great update (not the shit part obviously) and kudos to you for keeping on keeping on and leaving. Your new partner sounds lovely. Your strength is incredible flowers wine

kerryob Mon 17-Apr-17 21:48:30

So glad to hear you were able to escape & have a better life with your dcs x

AbiWanKenobi Mon 17-Apr-17 21:53:21

What a lovely update. Wishing you the love and happiness you deserve smile

SleepFreeZone Mon 17-Apr-17 21:55:16

Delighted that you got away OP xx

JK1773 Mon 17-Apr-17 22:05:10

Fabulous update. Absolutely good for you

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