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Daughter sleeping in the same bed with father

(149 Posts)
mountainlake Sun 13-Sep-15 17:23:06

My 9 year old DD visits her dad on Sundays and usually stays there overnight.
She sleeps with him in the same bed.
Now, it was OK when she was 6 or 7 but now I think she is getting too old for that. She looks older than 9 and already is very interested in all that teenage phase stuff, dressing up, make up. I find it just not appropriate to share a bed with a grown up man, even her own dad, when she starts changing into a teenager.
One more reason is the fact that ex sleeps in the same bed / bedding with his OW. When I discovered him cheating last year, I realised that I must have slept in the same bedding at least couple if times and it made me sick. To clarify that: we lived in separate houses then but were very much together, however didn't move back in together as ex didn't start addressing his drinking problem properly, which was my condition for full reconcilliation.
The thought of my child sleeping in the same bed where he f***s OW makes me cringe.
I tried to talk to him, using arguments that she is getting older and does need a separate bed, but he just laughs it off and says he is not going to change anything. He thinks there is nothing wrong with 2 of them sleeping together as she can have daddies cuddles then and that he is her father, not some pervert. He says I am ridiculous and only suggest it because I am still jealous of the OW.
I find it disgusting tbh, the fact that my girl uses the bedding with OWs body liquids... but her getting older and still sleeping with dad is my main concern.
He has a space in the bedroom to put a little sofabed for her. He also has another bedroom but took a lodger now as he needs extra money for his 'travel and entertainment'.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP’s posts: |
gamerchick Sun 13-Sep-15 17:26:17

You're projecting.

I find that usually girls tend to grow out of it themselves when puberty starts and there's nothing wrong with sharing a bed with a parent. My sons nearly 9 and loves a body to snuggle up too.

Oysterbabe Sun 13-Sep-15 17:26:58

She needs her own bed. I'd feel uncomfortable with a 9 year old sharing with her father.

RedMapleLeaf Sun 13-Sep-15 17:27:08

What does your daughter say?

lovelyconverse123 Sun 13-Sep-15 17:28:26

I wouldn't be at all happy with that. both the bedding from OW (ugh) and the father/daughter bed sharing. I feel its inappropriate for both of them.

AuditAngel Sun 13-Sep-15 17:29:34

DS has shared with us a few times recently. He is 11. He has just transferred to secondary school, is anxious and finding it hard to sleep.

Also, when on holiday, for the first few nights, DS shared with me, while the girls (8&4) shared with their aunty.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sun 13-Sep-15 17:30:26

I'd share a bed with my DSes. They're teens.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sun 13-Sep-15 17:30:31

I still share with my 10 yo DS on occasion, like when we go to visit friends. There's noting wrong with sharing a bed provided the child is comfortable with it - you are massively projecting about 'fluids'.

However when parents split up I do think it's extremely important for children to have their own bed/space at the NRPs house, if they're ever to feel like more than a visitor.

What does your daughter think?

mountainlake Sun 13-Sep-15 17:34:20

And one more thing. When she visits him, she spends majority of her time at his friends place who live next door. I don't mind that as such, as they are nice people, but she only sees her dad once a week for a couple of hours. And he happily limits that time even more. When she goes to his around 4, she will maybe have dinner with him and goes to the neighbours around 5, then come back around 7, have supper and bath, a bit of reading and then sleep. And then he takes her to school on Monday morning. No real quality time together. No homework, no chores, no bringing up. Just fun times, ideally with his limited input. He takes her outdoors maybe once a month, more often to fastfood places for food so he doesn't need to cook for her. And if they go anywhere, there is always one of his female friends with kids as an extra babysitter. Whenever I suggest that he needs to spend more time with her and her only, he gets angry and tells me I have no right to tell him how to spend time with his daughter.
He used to be a good, active and hands on dad, we used to spend a lot of time outdoors, and they were very close... it makes me very upset that she is missing on it. She often complains about dad not doing much with her and seeing him not often enough.

OP’s posts: |
mountainlake Sun 13-Sep-15 17:40:39

She doesnt mind sharing a bed with dad because she doesnt know about the OW. If she knew, I am sure she would mind as she met her before as a 'friend' and didn't like her.
She notices things like her father having erections or blood on the bedding. She told me that, hence my worries as well.
I wouldn't mind if it was occasional situation, like holiday or visiting someone... but not as a regular thing. She does sleep with me sometimes but I dont sleep semi naked (her dad sleeps in pants only), I don't have erections and I would never ever let her to sleep in my bed with sperm/blood on it, it's just disgusting.

OP’s posts: |
Oysterbabe Sun 13-Sep-15 17:47:12

Erections and blood.
shockshockshock

Joysmum Sun 13-Sep-15 17:48:54

Our daughter has turned 13 and likes to kip in with us. So sad that people think this is wrong.

mrstweefromtweesville Sun 13-Sep-15 17:49:40

Hmm. The dad has a lodger? So she sleeps in a house with two men? This would worry me. Where is the dad's partner when the dd is bed-sharing with him?

You are hung up on how he relates to your daughter - I understand that, I had an ex who wasn't a good father. Moaning about fast food and fun won't get you anywhere, though. You can't force him to be interested in her. Talk to your dd, and ask her what she wants, going forward. You might need to change the access arrangements formally.

I'd also get her some counselling. I wish I'd thought of that for my daughter.

Blackcloudsbrightsky Sun 13-Sep-15 17:50:17

How does she notice her father has an erection? shock

DistanceCall Sun 13-Sep-15 17:50:46

She needs her own space. And your ex is a disgusting slob. Urgh.

DistanceCall Sun 13-Sep-15 17:51:37

Joysmum, presumably your daughter has her own bed she can go to if she feels like it too?

mountainlake Sun 13-Sep-15 17:56:16

Joysmum I don't think it's wrong to have a bit of cuddle at bedtime with parents, no matter what age. But not sleep the whole night in situation like his. Her father sleeps a lot, he often goes to bed after drinking, I remember him smelling with alcohol when we slept together. I know he still drinks, my daughter tells me that daddy sometimes smells with beer but just a bit. Also, waking up and seeing daddies hard on... not really appropriate! He has means to arrange a separate sleeping arrangement for her, just chooses not to, as it is easier.
His lodger is a female, she seems to be OK and keeps herself to herself so I dont worry about her.

OP’s posts: |
mountainlake Sun 13-Sep-15 18:03:21

The thing is, she loves her dad so much and misses him, so whatever shit he comes across with, she accepts it. She told me recently she is not happy with certain things but doesnt want to make daddy upset!
To be fair I know that he can be a good and caring dad but so many times he just chooses not to, despite promises he will make sure our child is always our priority.
And re erections... hmmm I remember her being younger and noticing that dad has something 'there'. She gave it a name and sometimes she tells me that dadddies thing is really big in the morning when she wakes upconfused... I told him that she sees him with hard ons when she wakes up earlier and he said he will be wearing pjs for bed now. Well he doesn't!

OP’s posts: |
Twinklestein Sun 13-Sep-15 18:14:14

It's totally inappropriate.

One thing I learnt seeing various people go through eating disorders is that some girls are more sensitive to sexual signals from parents than others. They pick up on really subtle, barely perceptible signals.

Partly because of that, I believe it's really important to preserve clear boundaries & respect of personal space even when children are young.

Hard ons around her is not ok at all. She's old enough to understand what they are, but not old enough to know they're nothing to do with her. It could really mess with her head.

I understand that some people are fine about sharing beds with their kids, but as a child it's not something I felt comfortable with past a certain age, and as a parent I felt like 7 years was the oldest that felt ok. Our kids sometimes get into our bed in the mornings, but that's not the same.

TracyBarlow Sun 13-Sep-15 18:16:03

I think in principle there's not really anything wron with bed-sharing. However, as she's told you 'she is not happy with certain things but doesn't want to make daddy upset' hen he should be providing her with an alternative bed in case she wants to use it, and directly telling her that she has a choice and he won't be upset if she wants to take it.

The least he could do is wash the sheets tbh.

SlaggyIsland Sun 13-Sep-15 18:18:44

If he's naked then it's definitely too much. I went through a stage of sleeping in my dad's bed age 12 (mum was working away) as I was going through an anxious phase, but it was a) my choice and b) he certainly wasn't naked!

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Sun 13-Sep-15 18:28:25

Nice drip feed OP! If he is waking up with a hard on in bed with his daughter then, yes, inappropriate.

PurpleDaisies Sun 13-Sep-15 18:30:02

Every new post seems to reveal something worse...

PurpleDaisies Sun 13-Sep-15 18:30:34

Posted too soon. If he is sleeping naked that's not on.

Joysmum Sun 13-Sep-15 18:35:01

Yep, she's got her own bed too. I would not feel it appropriate to have to share if she wanted any time with her father.

The rest was a drip feed of more and more.

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