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what would you do with friends like these

(7 Posts)
lemonhummingbird Sun 13-Sep-15 14:51:40

I read a thread the other day about friend based relationships, and I have a similar dilemma but hadnt posted before as thought it was only 'couple' relationships on here. Im new as well so i will try and give the right information..

I'm 25, and I was part of a group of frineds from school that were very close. after we graduated from school, (in portsmouth), we all went different ways, some to university others to travel. but we all kept in touch. i was quite good at it in fact. a couple of years ago, these friends all moved back to portsmouth, expect one who lives in leicester now. i am also 3 hours ish from portsmouth (wont say where as dont want to give that much away). the last 2 years have been cricial to my job and i actually had to take a job in a random uk location because it is so competitive to even get a foot in the door. im glad i made this choice as i enjoy my job mostly, and i have two very good friends living nearby who i made since moving.

since i moved, i have felt very isolated from the group. i was invited to things but obviously for many reasons i very often couldnt make it with the distance and also the fact that i need to plan big trips from a financial point of view. this led to a sort of vicious circle..they would be annoyed i hadnt been able to make it, then i would feel more awkward about going to the next event. it all came to ahead when i was unable to make one of the girls engagement partys... she sent me a long email about how i had been a shit friend and how i obviously choose my career over my friendshsips and would live to regret it. this email really upset me and i emaile dback saying that at no point had they offered to come to see me where i lived, nor had they even suggested meeting in the middle. she then replied saying i was ruining the best time of her life as she was on her way to married life. i didnt know what to say to this as i had offered to meet her when i was back at christmas (a few weeks after her engaement part), to make up for it and to have time with her. she didnt want to do that and said she needed space.

all this was out of the blue to me really..i knew we had drifted apart but had no idea that a polite decline of invite to this party would result in her essentially blaming me for the drifting apart. anyway fast forward 6 months later and i went to the wedding and it was obvious this girl had turned the group against me somewhat. i know this sounds very childish but it was honestly as if they felt awkward being around me because of the issue this one girl had with me, and the fact they clearly spend more time with her. i left feeling upset and hurt. this was 6 weeks ago and since then all over facebook and twitter are photos of the, as best buddies from high school, etc, with friendship quotes that obviously i am not part of.

i am not stupid enough not to see that their behaviour is not very nice and that i should rise above it, and if it was anyone else then i would, but as itis a group that i grew up with, it feels sad. i have other friends from high school that i talk to so that is nice, but i never planned to lose any friends as i grew up..i dislike conforntation and i much prefer to just get on with people. another friend said perhaps call this girl up and try and resolve it, but to be honest, i feel like she had created drama for no real reason, and slagged off my career that i worked hard for as well, and it leaves me feeling a mix of anger and hurt, and sadness for what used to be.

sorry, that was long than i anticipated. just feeling low and am not the type of person to want to fall out with anyone..not even sure how the fall out happened. as they all live back in portsmouth i also feel like they will badmouth me to other people i dont know so well too, which feels horrible.

honeyroar Sun 13-Sep-15 15:05:35

It's natural to lose a few friends as you go few life, just as it's natural to make new ones. People (some) get very stressed and over entitled in the run up to their weddings. For some people it's all they've got going on in their lives so they get upset if people don't attend engagements etc.

It's also normal that the other girls would be making more of a fuss of the other girl than you at her wedding.

I would perhaps give it one more try. Send a card/email saying that you had a lovely time at the wedding and it was really nice to see them. Invite them all up to yours for a visit. See what reactions you get, then either smooth over things or let things go.

lemonhummingbird Sun 13-Sep-15 15:08:53

sorry i didnt make that bit clear, it wasnt her wedding it was someone else comletely out of the group whose wedding it was. they were just all there.

thanks for the reply. smile

thisisnow Sun 13-Sep-15 16:22:59

I don't think you've done anything wrong to be honest. As we get older our lives move in different directions and to say you have prioritised your career over friendships is way out of line!

You sound like you've carved a great life for yourself and if they can't be happy for you then they are the one's with the problem I think!

springydaffs Sun 13-Sep-15 18:57:42

Wow, that's hurtful.

Are you not making much money re you said you had to financially plan for the engagement party trip. Tbh I'd make the engagement trip (work permitting) come hell or high water - perhaps she feels the same? Her email was OTT though - drama queen! Who does she think she is? OK she was hurt but she could own that instead of attacking you and your character.

You also say they have never offered to visit you or meet halfway - but have you suggested it, invited them?

It's a big thing to lose your place in this group and i'd try to hold onto it iiwy - though not at any cost. She has stirred up trouble (bcs she was hurt - emotionally incontinent?) Perhaps some humble pie on your part could placate her/them even though it's not fair bcs you're the loser here.

If she's the drama queen/stirrer then they'll all come in for it at some stage.

pocketsaviour Sun 13-Sep-15 20:04:57

They sound like twats, sorry.

Losing friends as you grow up is inevitable. You grow, you change, you release people from your circle who you no longer find mutual pleasure in their company.

(Sorry that was horribly grammatically incorrect but I'm too tired to correct it.)

springydaffs Sun 13-Sep-15 21:28:53

Grammar, shwammar, who cares. Got the gist!

They are being twats, certainly, but they're being gee-ed up by Ms flinging around DQ. I'd still have a go at salvaging it but, yes, you don't have to walk to Mecca on your knees: if they don't respond quickly enough then move on.

Hurts tho flowers

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