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Should I have of left him? I feel so guilty

(21 Posts)
WWYD2 Sun 13-Sep-15 14:11:21

Just to give some background.

I was with DS dad for 7 years, it was an abusive relationship, after two years of us splitting up, with some counselling, DEX going to perpetrator classes and so on, I decided to get back in a relationship with him.

DEX ( DS dad, who is now an ex) and I always had problems when it came to sex. He has a higher sex drive and I and wants sex constantly. Also, in the past, DEX use to highly pressure me into sex and I always use to give in so that he could remain happy. But once I started to stand up for myself and say "No" or " I don't feel like it" etc, this has created problems between himself and I.

We only have sex twice a week (which is a huge problem for Dex), we don't live together by the way, but the reason why we have limited sex is because I get so busy, the huge majority of the time I care for DS and so on. Not only that but Dex puts me off sex. As an example, he came with me to drop off DS at his mothers house, when we did, Dex really wanted me to have sex with him in the tower block. Now, I know some couples get the thrill of having sex in public places etc. But this is not the case, Dex would want to have sex anywhere whenever he is feeling horny.

I also feel that whenever he takes me out to restaurants, any place nice, he expects me to give him sex as a reward for the day and of course when I say no, he gets into a tantrum.

As you can imagine, this puts me off, I feel like I have to have sex with him just so that he can remain happy in the relationship.

In a recent event, I was very busy one day as I had to go to a meeting concerning DS and arranged to meet an after school club provider later on that day. I had a call from Dex, I grumble as I know why he is calling me, and after all the useless chit chat, I quickly say that I'm not able to see him today (for sex) as I'm so busy with XYZ and he completely blows his top off. He began to say " I hardly have sex with you"...." I take you out and it doesn't change"..... " Why don't you want me?". So I tell him that I was bored with the relationship ( not bored with him iyswim) and that I felt what I used to felt in the past that I had to have sex with him just so he can remain happy and I don't want to be that person anymore, I don't want to feel like that again. He then told me that I was "Ugly"....that he could get "more sex with his ex", I cried and then told him that I wanted to end the relationship and I was sick of this.

But then I look at past threads on here, some women complaining that they don't get enough sex from their partner and I feel bad, that it is my fault. But for me, it was a control thing, I always gave in to having sex with Dex even if I didn't feel like it, I would be tired and he wouldn't care. So when I realised that I could say "no" and shouldn't feel guilty, he really didn't like this.

Oh! I don't know. I'm so confused.

PacificDogwood Sun 13-Sep-15 14:15:23


It's controlling and abusive, his demand for sex.
I am also confused, are you or are you not in a relationship with him?
Or rather, if you see him regularly and are having sex with him, by are in a relationship with him, and a deeply dysfunctional one at that.

bunique Sun 13-Sep-15 14:17:08

I don't think his perpetrator programme was very successful.

magoria Sun 13-Sep-15 14:18:20

His perpetrator class didn't work very well did it.

He tantrums and accuses until you have sex with him. He does things for you not for you but to get sex from you. He is nasty, puts you down compares to you to his ex.

I can't think why you don't want sex with him he sounds a peach!

WWYD2 Sun 13-Sep-15 14:19:41

Hi pacificDogwood

Yes I am in a relationship with him. But I broke up with him a week ago. I thought it was all my fault, as I would see past threads on here saying that they hardly get sex from their other half and so forth.

mummble Sun 13-Sep-15 14:20:26

I do understand that when you're inside a situation it's hard to see the wood for the trees, but really, truly and honestly, you do not have to service this 'man'.

tribpot Sun 13-Sep-15 14:21:21

So to be clear - this is a man who was abusive before, has pressured you to have to sex with him for years, has called you ugly and has a tantrum if you won't have sex in a public place.

Whilst he was doing his perpetrators' course (which appears merely to have taught him non-violent ways of controlling his partner, incidentally) were you doing the Freedom programme or similar? I can't imagine how you can have been, since the red flags are waving all over your post.

Now that you've ended the relationship you've done yourself a massive favour. Don't go back this time. Mismatched sex drives can be an issue even in healthy relationships but this is most definitely not a healthy relationship.

Rainuntilseptember15 Sun 13-Sep-15 14:21:34

Please don't be confused anymore. He is bad news and a terrible example for your child. It sounds like you've come a long way in yourself - don't let him drag you down again.sad

WWYD2 Sun 13-Sep-15 14:25:40

Thank you everyone. I'm in tears, I thought it was all my fault.

I've never been on a Freedom programme, but I did go to Domestic Violence classes, but I've never told anyone about the sex issue.

WWYD2 Sun 13-Sep-15 14:31:51

I did tell him that I was bored with the sex, which resulted in him calling me ugly.

PacificDogwood Sun 13-Sep-15 14:34:00

It does not matter how much or how little sex anybody on this forum is having - what matters is that he is coercing you to have sex when you are not keen.
At the very least sex should be fun, something you want to do, not a chore or something you submit to.

Please have a look at the Freedom Program - it's available on-line, but RL courses can be even better.

WWYD2 Sun 13-Sep-15 14:46:15

Thank you pacific. I'll definitely look into the Freedom Programme.

honeyroar Sun 13-Sep-15 15:26:18

The sex doesn't done into it.c it's about the fact that he doesn't make you happy generally. It's not a good relationship.

AlfAlf Sun 13-Sep-15 15:35:13

Stop feeling guilty, you definitely did the right thing.
Pestering you for sex and demanding sex and basically treating your body like a commodity to be used is nasty and abusive.
It's not you, it's him - I very much doubt many woman would enjoy sex on those terms.

Please, please don't get back with him.

Londonmummy01 Sun 13-Sep-15 16:34:49

Gosh OP I was reading this wondering if you've been dating my ex dp! Mine used to expect if he'd taken me out etc that I would deliver the goods that night and if not the sulking would start or warning me that I should be careful as other men would stray if they are not looked after, accuse me of being unusual because of low sex drive or comparing me to his previous partners. When I think back now or read posts like yours I can't believe of much I'd lost my self esteem to listen to his bullying and often cave in to his needs. The fact was I think my sex drive sometimes decreased because of his constant pawing and pestering for sex. I hope you are able to stay strong and away from him I know it's very hard I'm only 2weeks split from mine and temptation to go back to what you know is still there.

IonaNE Sun 13-Sep-15 16:42:33

Next time he raises the question of sex I'd pretend to be surprised and say that since he had said you were 'ugly', you thought that was the end of the problem - after all why would he want sex with someone 'ugly'?

mrstweefromtweesville Sun 13-Sep-15 16:52:22

Sack him.

Fairenuff Sun 13-Sep-15 16:58:28

You should never have gone back to this abuser.

KevinAndMe Sun 13-Sep-15 17:01:43

No you have the BEST thing you could do by finishing this relationship with him.
He might have done the freedom program but he hasn't change that much. The situation is still the same. He is controlling and still is using 'force' (emotionally) tio get what he wants. he is using sex as a power trip when he gets you to have sex with him even when it's clear you don't really want to.

And btw, it has nothing to do with people witholding sex to punish someone etc etc. It's OK to say NO I don't feel like having sex just as you would be happy to say No just now I don't want a cup of tea but I might want one tomorrow.

Carry on the good work and please do NOT get back with him again.

UncertainSmile Sun 13-Sep-15 17:02:18

He sounds like a right cunt.

daiseehope Mon 14-Sep-15 00:51:36

Never ever go back to this foul abusive excuse for a man. Be strong xxxxx

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