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is this a normal relationship (should I stay or go)

(11 Posts)
restlessat50 Sun 13-Sep-15 11:07:46

My H and I have been married for 23 years have 2 dtrs and run a business together. Like many other MC we have had our ups and downs especially w eldest DD during teen years where we did not see eye to eye but that is not what I want advise on

My h it seems has always had a higher sex drivevthan me and gets v fidgety if we don't have sex at least once a week (previously he was alot more demanding). If I don't oblige he has always got sulky and at times demanding so usually I give in to ke the peace. At times he has become quite bullying emotionally previously waking me up in the night demanding why I won't oblige him. He is always worse around his birthday and in the past has made certain requests that I have not always been comfortable with and have begun to dread birthday time. In the end he stopped these requests realising it wasn't the way to get what he wanted but left me wary

In the last 2 years we have been away on family holidays on his birthday but last year and this he became demanding around that date and last year despite me saying no proceeded to have intercourse (which left me shaken) thiz year a week after his birthday he asked I had had a difficult day so said could we reschedule and he coerced me w a hand job which has again left me upset. He realised he shouldn't have but says it's because he has no control over when we have sex. In my mind a loving relationship shouldn't be about control am I right in thinking that.

I am left v confused. Also of late I am quetioning if I love him enough he wasn't my first BF but I met him at a time when I wanted to settle down have kids etc and he was kind but there have never been massive fireworks on my side so I wonder if that is part of the issue. We have had counseling a year ago and things were ok afterwards but I am not sure if I want this to b my life for ever I am 52 and 1 dtr on the way out (who btw has a lovely BF and mkaes her feel v happy). The other is 13 and v close to her dad and would be devastated if we split up and probably hate me. Our other complication is we run a business together although I could probabley do something else

Otherwise we get along ok sometimes think we r more like brother and sister

Any comments advise gratefully received

OxfordCommoner Sun 13-Sep-15 11:17:16

He raped you. He will do it again. You need to leave him.

snowflake02 Sun 13-Sep-15 11:24:16

If you say no and they continue it is rape, no matter who they are. I know how incredibly hard that is to accept as I am still struggling to do that. The coercion and bullying amount to the same thing as you are not freely giving consent and he must know that is the case. And of course he can control himself.

Maybe give rape crisis a call?

magoria Sun 13-Sep-15 11:26:33

Sorry I agree with the other poster. If you say no to sex but your H did it any way he raped you.

You have posted here because you know there is something wrong about this.

If you had not had sex for 10 years he still does not have the right to ignore your no.

He betrayed you in the worst way possible as a husband and a man to a woman.

You are 52. You may have another 30/40/50 years.

Don't waste it on a man who feels he has the right to use your body for his convenience when he wants.

restlessat50 Thu 29-Oct-15 17:15:17

Thank you for your posts it is very hard to hear I have been seeing a counselor and she has confirmed it was rape. I have looked back over our marriage and realised there has been sexual coercion/bullying on and off throughout which is upsetting. He is now in spare room which is such a relief but he is being v. nice to me at present which is almost making things worse as I think he is hoping there is still a future for us. We have 2 dds who are finding the whole situation very difficult obviously I can't explain the real reason for the situation. I can't see any way back now but equally trying to ensure a smoothish ride for our dds (younger one 13 and adores her Dad). It is a mess but I know I can't go on in this marriage but not sure what is the best way forward particularly as financially I am not that well off. I have had lots of support from close friends but our lives are quite enmeshed with them socially which is making things awkward at times when they invite us both round for dinner etc. Seems so hard to disentangle oneself especially when we have built a network of mutual friends any advise welcome

restlessat50 Thu 29-Oct-15 17:17:44

Have you been in a similiar situation then I would be v interested to know how you have dealt with things or are you now on your own. Have you got kids, family, friends who can support you
One of things I have not mentioned any of this to my family as I don't think they would understand. My Mother has recently died so also coping with that it has all come at same time which is interesting

AnotherEmma Thu 29-Oct-15 17:26:34

He is sexually abusive and probably emotionally abusive as well. Please contact Women's Aid for advice. Do you have someone in real life you can talk to - a close friend or family member?

Sorry about your mother flowers

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 29-Oct-15 17:56:55

He's a sexual abuser and a rapist. This is really not normal or OK.

spudlike1 Thu 29-Oct-15 18:28:10

I feel for you op the relationship is over isn't it ? why should you take the blame due to the issue being so private. Refuse sex completely give him time to realise the relationship is over . Then announce it to family and freinds as a mutual decision that you came to together, which it should be.
Goodluck in your new life :-)
And don't allow him to blame you for this in any way, that is NOT an option, tell him that in no uncertain terms.

spudlike1 Thu 29-Oct-15 18:35:16

When you finally come to terms with the word rape and that he is one , have a frank conversation with him ..next time you call the police and from here on in he gets in line, particularly in the way you go about separating ..
I lived with a man like this its an awful thing to come to terms with .
Get as much support from everywhere

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 29-Oct-15 18:48:16

Why does it have to be your decison to stay or go?

Surely the situation here is quite simple. You don't like having sex with him. You were never that keen. After the bullying and coercion escalated to rape you knew that you would never enjoy sex with him again.

So, you tell him that there is no more sex with you ever for these reasons and that's that. Then you can discuss where you each get your jollies and whether you stay married and/or living together.

He might want to stay married but have sex elsewhere. You might want the same. He might prefer to live separately if he is going to get his sex elsewhere.

I rather suspect your title means "should I let him keep bullying me into sex acts I loathe and occasionally raping me or should I leave him?"

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