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Should I continue with this younger man or is it a recipe for disaster?

(41 Posts)
mrscleaver Sat 12-Sep-15 21:23:29

Way back when I first signed up to Tinder I started talking to a young guy. At the time he said he wanted a no-strings relationship as he is working full time, skint, sharing a flat and studying for his masters degree and can't put a lot into a relationship.

On the basis of that, plus him being a decade younger I turned down a date when he asked me out.

However, we stayed in contact and he became quite a friend. We chatted through my dates and his and he was always been a bit flirty and frequently asked me out, but not asking me for naked photos like most of them and we just got to know each other a bit.

I recently was a witness to an accident and was quite shaken up and he was really there for me, taking me through it and to be honest in many ways seemed more mature than the men 15 years older I have been dating. Talking to him on the phone that day made me feel safe and I decided I wanted to meet him.

I agreed to meet him finally and we ended up in bed together. Prior to that I was really just enjoying the attention and wasn't really thinking anything would ever happen but it just felt really normal when we were together.

He was very romantic, affectionate and we had a great chat into the night about something interesting and he's clever and I really like him. Also possibly the best sex I have ever had.

Compared to the men older than him he was more of gentleman, is not broken down by baggage, has bags more energy and he just generally made me feel fantastic.

He's too young for me I feel, I mean, I am a Mum with a child and own my own company and he is just starting out in life and shares a flat and goes on lads weekends and lives a very different life to me. That said he's not a young Romeo or anything - quite studious and I'd imagine not a lothario.

He has said he wants to continue seeing me and I don't know what to do. What he is oferring me is time together when I don't have DC, and he says he is happy with whatever I can give, dinner dates, cuddles in the cinema, him making me breakfast in bed, cuddles and great sex but not a relationship.

I do want to meet someone that's "forever", to have a family and hopefully another baby and he said he was fine if I kept looking.

I feel like he is being very honest with me, and in a sense I quite like the idea of a no-pressure affair but if I am honest with myself I want to see him, would actually like to date him if age / circumstances weren't a barrier and have taken quite a liking to him and I am not sure if i am making a mistake and will end up hurt or will end up hurting him.

Is this asking for trouble and should I knock it on the head?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 12-Sep-15 21:25:11

I think you could end up feeling very hurt indeed as well as perhaps somewhat used.

Knock this on the head and find someone who is willing and able to give you what you yourself want. Do not sell yourself short.

mrscleaver Sat 12-Sep-15 21:37:31

I thought potentially that might be the case, but I think he's trying to convince me that we can enjoy each others company while I wait to meet someone more long term. It does make logical sense in a way (sex is great) but I am already feeling a bit blue in a way.

pictish Sat 12-Sep-15 21:43:33

I agree. He would be using you for sex and while I think you fantasise about having a torrid affair with a younger man, I'm pretty sure the reality of being a place to park his bike would soon grow old.

BrucieTheShark Sat 12-Sep-15 21:43:52

There are people that can make hay while the sun shines in a situ like this. And people that can't.

I definitely couldn't - tried it a couple of times. I clearly had poor taste in men, though luckily it improved or my luck did.

Which type are you? From what you describe, you are getting a great deal out the relationship-type stuff he's doing, e.g. being kind, caring, supportive, available on the phone etc. Not just the sex.

So when that stops or is intermittent - and he's telling you it will - how will you feel? I think you should stop it now tbh.

mrscleaver Sat 12-Sep-15 21:48:00

Well, it's come at the end of a long year of attempting to date suitable men and them treating me quite badly and it's been nice to have the attention and someone around who always wants to listen and chat to me about my day.

I have missed sex (have been not having sex with my dates) and have also felt lonely for cuddles and physical affection.

Being honest, I am probably the type who can't make hay while the sun shines. I suppose for me to like someone enough to want to have sex with them and spend time with them it follows I will also want an emotional connection.

It's just hard to give up someone giving you 50% of what you want when the alternative is 0% but I suppose I wouldn't have posted here if it wasn't already stressing me out.

Yes, he is telling me it will stop and that will hurt sad

thehypocritesoaf Sat 12-Sep-15 21:49:42

I would carry on seeing him until I met someone more suitable, without question, but if you don't think that will work for you, don't.

loveyoutothemoon Sat 12-Sep-15 21:50:07

It probably wouldn't work out in the long run, can you not just enjoy it while it lasts, try not to get emotionally attached. Think of it as just good sex?

mrscleaver Sat 12-Sep-15 22:04:09

I just read that very sad thread of the man who missed his wife who passed away, and I think it just confirmed to me I want love and not just sex. Poor chap, but how lovely that they loved each other like that. I want to find that sort of love.

Coolforthesummer Sat 12-Sep-15 22:39:12

If it's meals out, cinema, cuddles, breakfast in bed and sex - that's a relationship isn't it?

notinacton Sat 12-Sep-15 22:56:54

He seems like he is giving you conflicting signals: he says he doesn't want anything serious, yet he has connected with you in a way that goes deeper than the superficial level one would expect of a man who says he just wants something casual. The fact that you have been in contact for some time and he wants to see you again also don't point to a casual thing.

At the same time, he has told you he doesn't want anything serious, so if I were you I wouldn't let things go further on this basis. You would basically be giving him a get-out clause for any bad behaviour. You would never be able to object to him seeing other women, not calling when he said he would etc etc because he would be able to point out that he has always made clear that he just wants something casual.

I am wondering why he is sending these conflicting signals. It may be that he feels he has not much to offer you - you have a child, a 'real' life, responsibilities ... whereas he is living a student lifestyle. He may feel he has nothing to give you. Men like to feel useful smile It may be easier for him to say he wants something casual than to get into a relationship and end up feeling that he can't give you what you need.

But then, all we have is what you have told us in your post - perhaps he really does just want something casual, and perhaps this is just the way he connects with people.

I think it warrants a conversation. You could say that you are not interested in a 'no strings' affair, and that you are a bit confused because while he says that's what he wants, that is not what he has been signalling through his behaviour. He can explain ... and then you will be in a better position to judge whether you want to become more involved.

mrscleaver Sat 12-Sep-15 23:02:54

Well I suppose he's saying there's no long term future. He will want to wait 5 - 10 years to have children and I wouldn't be able to have them then

goddessofsmallthings Sun 13-Sep-15 06:55:43

None of us know what the future may hold and if you accept that the discrepancy between your respective ages means it's unlikely that you'll have a long future with this guy, there's no reason why you should pass on what could be a very satsifying fwb arrangement. .

Why not regard it as keeping your hand in until Mr Long Term Prospect appears?

Think outside the box. If you can't be with the one you're destined to settle down with because you're yet to meet him, love the one you're with.

magiccatlitter Sun 13-Sep-15 07:05:38

If you are getting too attached to him, I would end it.

My current marriage started off like that. He's 19 years younger. I made it clear from day 1 I couldn't have more children.

Things were pretty good until 10 years later he announced out of the blue he now wanted children and not with me ( no adoption or surrogate).

It's devastating.

Protect yourself first. These young guys aren't mature enough to really think about the future and the consequences and you can't count on him to have your best interests in mind.

ShrewDriver Sun 13-Sep-15 07:50:09

I wanted to say "just enjoy the present", etc., but I have to agree this sounds emotionally very risky. Be the one to (kindly, firmly, openly) put an end to it now. Seeing him whilst also keeping your eye out for longer-term prospects is unlikely to work as your attachment to him will distract/confuse you.

springydaffs Sun 13-Sep-15 07:52:29

He's made it clear you're his current squeeze and no more.

Dead attractive but he's not into a LT relationship, just a bit of fun. Ending up in bed together on your first date located exactly what he wants. Which he has been honest about.

The time will come when he finds exactly what he's looking for - not you. NOt that there's anyting wrong with you just he'll want soeone his own age and he'll want to do the settling down thing.

Sorry to hear this has happened to you, magic. Devastating flowers (especially as he married you sad )

Fadingmemory Sun 13-Sep-15 07:55:12

He wants sex, fun, comfort but not any form of emotional attachment. You want all of those things. You could end up being very hurt. I doubt he will finish his Masters and then suddenly be ready for the "full works" with you. You want more than he will give. Decision time - try to protect yourself from what could happen.

RedMapleLeaf Sun 13-Sep-15 08:16:52

I agree with those saying it's not just a case of being involved with him until you find something "better". He may find someone else sooner than you do.

I'd want to do it, but I know I couldn't.

mrscleaver Sun 13-Sep-15 10:01:43

Magic flowers I am so sorry, what an unfair and awful situation.

I think he is giving me conflicting signals because he is also lonely himself. He doesn't just want sex, he wants dating as well and someone to give affection to and he's not had much luck with girls his own age. Like I said, he is cute and sweet but no stud (more nerd). The last couple of girls his own age really messed him around.

I think we are both being practical in terms of discussing long term future. I am 37 and would like another baby. He is 27 and not even finished his schooling. It's really been me, more than him, saying "this is never going to work" from day one and he's just been honest in saying he agreed he is too young to commit to a family and the sort of life I want in the next 2 - 3 years.

The night we went out, I had basically said to him I was up for a one night stand, and asked if that was okay with him and he said "one night is better than zero nights", but really as soon as he was here and we were together he was saying he wanted more and wanted it to happen again and I was enjoying myself so said yes.

If I am 100% , if he came to me now and wanted an LTR I would not be up for it with someone so young. I'd be embarassed to be dating someoe so young. I'd be worried about someone so young having contact with DC, I'd be worried people would think I was a cougar or something so it's definitely me also. All of that might sound shallow but he is just so bloody young it feels a bit of cliche.

All of that said...I didn;t expect to love being with him, to love talking to him so much, to like kissing him so much and could hapily have spent the day watching movies and eating pasta and cuddling up -which was what he wanted to do and I asked him to go as I was worried someone would pop over and catch me at it! I have a very nosy and judgemental family.

After he left I started wondering what he was doing that night, if he was texting anyone else, if he was going to call (he didn't) and so it's me creating mixed messages for myself as well.

I sent him a message last night after posting thread to say I loved the night we had together but that it was silly to let it go further and it was best to leave it as a one night thing. He's read he message last night and not replied so I feel like I have probably hurt him and feel really bad.

JeanSeberg Sun 13-Sep-15 10:14:05

How long since you spent the night together?

mrscleaver Sun 13-Sep-15 10:15:52

Friday night! It already just mde me feel unsettled. It didn't feel like just felt like I wanted him round afterwards and that wasn't what I intended.

JeanSeberg Sun 13-Sep-15 10:22:15

27 isn't that young, I thought you were going to say 19/20. But you want different things and I couldn't handle a FWB situation either.

It's a bit rude that he didn't contact you afterwards but it sounds like you practically threw him out afterwards!

SanityClause Sun 13-Sep-15 10:41:51

There is some evidence that the oxytocin released in our bodies during sex promotes bonding and trust.

You may feel like you want a relationship with him, partly because you have now had sex with him.

This may also be why it is very difficult for many people to have a FWB relationship. While it may seem a good idea, in principle, people's hormones may be "programming" them to bond with this person, rather than keeping the distance needed to remain "just friends".

So, like you, I would be very wary of having any relationship with him, unless it is a type of relationship you really want.

(TBH, I think most of your objections could be overcome, but if you are 37 and want another DC, and he is 27, and wants to wait, that's pretty insurmountable.)

goddessofsmallthings Sun 13-Sep-15 10:42:18

A FWB won't work if you're emotionally needy or feel so lonely that you want someone around all the time.

It will work if you don't allow yourself to become emotionally invested to a point where you're visualising houses with roses round the door, white picket fences, and marrying the object of your affections.

You can become extraordinarily fond of your FWB and enjoy all the usual intimacies within the relationship while recognising that it won't be forever.

You may feel sorry when it ends but, having accepted that it was never going to be anything other than a rewarding fun relationship for both of you, you won't be devastated as it will have served its purpose.

mrscleaver Sun 13-Sep-15 10:44:38

My last LTR was from 30 to 35 and I really wanted anothr baby and he said he did too but put it off, put it off and ended up leaving me when I was 35. I feel a bit like he cheated me out of something that as very important to me and wish I had left after 3 - 4 years when it became clear he didn't want the baby.

I suppose I don't want to fall in with this 27 year old and end up in a 1 - 2 year relationship and wake up one morning to find my chances of a baby are gone.

My first baby (who I love beyond words) wasn't born into love -he was born into quite an abusive relationship where Ihad to throw ice water on his drunk Dad when I was in labour to get him to wake up and help me.

I suppose a big part of me really just wanted to one time experience what it was like being pregnant with someone I loved, being happy instead of scared through that experience and feeling loved and for baby clothes, painting the nursery and having someone hold my hand through it.

I guess I want a family. Always have, and I feel like if I make the wrong choices now I won't ever have that.

I guess I did practically throw him out afterwards. He wanted to make me breakfast and stay for a few hours. I think I made him go at 8.30am and he was asking for a coffee and a quick shower. I think he knew I was just nervous of him being here rather than not wanting to stay with him though.

I am lonely I suppose...very lonely for sex and affection and so tired of the dating game and being let down. It's not a good place to be in I think and I'm sorry to admit I feel that way.

I just thought at my age I'd have a family and someone to share life with.

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