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Living a lie and need to be totally honest somewhere

(44 Posts)
Trurouge Sat 12-Sep-15 18:35:26

DH and I have been married for 10 years and in that time we've had 3 kids. I also have a DS from a previous relationship. DS no.1 had never met his father until around this time last year (he was 13 at the time). His dad had been in prison and well it's a long story but he was not in the right place to have anything to do with DS. The meeting was initiated by DS getting intouch with his paternal aunt over FB. I wasn't happy but allowed DS to meet his dad under my supervision. DH and I weren't in a great place at the time and this only really compounded the situation. Again, long story short I started meeting DS's dad on my own and quickly one thing lead to another. In January this year I found out I was pregnant and there could only be one father. I was totally honest with DH and we decided together to keep the baby and stay together. As the pregnancy has progressed I have become increasingly worried about people's reactions. I told MIL who took the whole thing really well and my parents are very supportive. I just worry that DH is going to struggle to bond with baby, due in 4 weeks, the same as he has with the others, including my eldest. My eldest hasn't seen his dad since Xmas and both of them seem happy with that arrangement. It's the practical things I worry about like DH not being on the birth certificate and people coming out with the age old comment "oh doesn't he look like his dad". I know it's all my fault and I'm really not looking for sympathy just needed to get the whole truth out somewhere.

AuntieStella Sat 12-Sep-15 18:38:05

If you need to get the truth out somewhere, that suggests you have not been totally open with your DH. Nor MIL.

What are you keeping back from them?

Trurouge Sat 12-Sep-15 18:42:37

I've told them everything, I think it's more that DH doesn't want 'people' to know. We live in a small village and everyone knows everyone but he doesn't want everyone knowing the story behind number 5. I know it should be me that doesn't want everyone knowing and that I should be the one feeling ashamed but I get the impression that DH thinks that people will I don't know pity him?

OurBlanche Sat 12-Sep-15 19:11:31

So, you are married? You just put DHs name on the certificate and get on with your life, don't you?

tribpot Sat 12-Sep-15 19:21:41

I am staggered to hear that your MIL has taken this well. Really?

I think your fears are justified - your DH may have agreed to raise the baby in the abstract but could find his feelings change when the baby is here and the situation is real. But that's something you should really talk over with him - presumably he is free to call time on this at any point and walk away?

What about the actual father, does he know? I guess not as you're not planning to put his name on the birth certificate. Is that justifiable? Whilst he was unable to be a parent to your oldest, is he in a better place now?

I don't think many people will think too much of the fact the baby doesn't look as much like your DH as the others did, presumably they've never seen your ex and similarities to your oldest ds can be passed off as being a resemblance to you. But if you want to keep this a secret, you are going to have to get used to lying. That's the deal you've made. I honestly cannot imagine how much this is going to fuck up your oldest ds if/when he finds out, esp if his dad has vanished from the picture again as far as he is concerned. (Which I assume he must have done or how else will you hope he doesn't get wind of the existence of this baby and do the maths?)

What a bloody mess. I hope somehow you can find a way through this, Trurouge. But be prepared in the end for the truth to come out.

Coolforthesummer Sat 12-Sep-15 19:28:36

It sounds like a fair few people know already. Are they all sworn to secrecy? What about other family members, do they know too? Has your husband agreed to bring up the child as his own? Will your child know who their real father is? What about your other dc? Does your ex know it's his baby?

Sorry for all the questions but there is a lot for you to consider.

Spartans Sat 12-Sep-15 19:34:46

Op I won't judge you. Your dh and mil (shocked by that too) have taken it well.
Please don't consider putting h on the birth certificate. That's not ok, imo. This child doesn't deserve to be lied to.

In reality you need a talk with dh and a plan. These things have a way of comin out and if/when it does it could create a shit storm. Your eldest will be hurt that his dad disappeared, again, when you stopped sleeping with him. The youngest will be hurt at not knowing the truth his life and what about the kids in between? They may take it really badly too, that you cheated.

My friend actually passed her child off as someone else's. Her DP knew it wasn't his. 12 years later, it all came out and it's never been the same since.

I really think you are all being naive thinking you can just sit on this forever.

Spartans Sat 12-Sep-15 19:36:14

I also never thought....what if your ex finds out you have a new baby and puts 2 and 2 together and starts telling people?

Trurouge Sat 12-Sep-15 19:39:59

This is the thing there are so. Any things to consider and all I can get out of DH is that he has made his choice and will bring this one up just the same as the others, including eldest. Baby's dad is fully aware and wants nothing to do with baby or eldest. This will be baby number 8 for him and he sees none of them so it came as no surprise! MIL has been amazing and although DH had a very short conversation with her early on he never really spelt it out to her and left that for me, I was nervous but as it turned out she simply sees it as her grandchild regardless of the circumstances around it all. Most of the family know already and as far as I'm concerned I'm not too fussed if the whole world found out. I know what I did was wrong but the people that matter have been supportive and to me that's all that counts. No one is sworn to secrecy but the chances of it coming out are slim as our family all live quite a way away. DS1 knows the story as I felt it was only fair to tell him from the off and let him be part of the decision process, after all it's his full relative. He sees DH as his dad and now he has met is father has no interest in seeing him again.

monkeywrench Sat 12-Sep-15 19:44:33

A family in the village i live in (not UK) had a baby about 2 years ago, they already had 2 or 3 kids 12/13 yr age. The family are all caucasian and the father of the last child was a black man she was having an affair with. there is no disputing the fact that the child is not the husbands. however, they are raising the child within the family and the couple are still together, and recently i saw the child with the man who is obviously his father. Not sure i could do that, but my point is that if there is complete honest with everyone and you can have the trust back within your marriage, then anything is possible, but there would have to be total honesty with all parties for it to work i think.

Spartans Sat 12-Sep-15 19:45:32

Well quite a lot of people know, so it's just a case of deciding what your reaction will be if it's brought up in front of you. I would be tempted to ask the family to respond with something that makes it clear you won't be discussing it with anyone.

How old are your other kids? Are you telling them?

Am I also assuming you will be open with the new baby about the circumstances come as thy grow up.

Tbh while I imagine you feel awful. I don't think you need to worry that much. your dh and mil is supporting you as is the family. No one else really matters. I would concentrate on how lucky you are that everyone is supporting you and supporting dhs decisions.

monkeywrench Sat 12-Sep-15 19:46:37

cross post, well then it looks like it will be just fine for you all, it is really nobody elses business but your family and if you are all happy that is what matters.

lunar1 Sat 12-Sep-15 19:48:39

Will you make sure your baby know as they grow up that your she is not their biological dad?

Spartans Sat 12-Sep-15 19:51:11

Oh and just remembered my cousin and his wife have 2 children. The first was conceived while she was in another country, they had split and she was abroad. They got back together when she was 8 months of. My cousin has never explained this of any of us and brought the child up as his own. He doesn't need to explain it. He decides the child is his, even though he isn't and she is a child of the family.

Our family has never put much emphasis on blood tbh. My uncle is stepfather to two of his kids and father to the other two. But we all think of him as dad to them all.

We don't even really think about it. To the point that the youngest of my uncles children didn't know her older brothers were her half brothers until she was 22. No one had kept it secret, we all just think of him as their dad so no one thought to explain.

I think things will be ok for you op.

quicklydecides Sat 12-Sep-15 19:51:42

How was your eldest party of the decision making process??
That sounds massively inappropriate..

Trurouge Sat 12-Sep-15 19:51:47

This is my point, I don't want to keep anything quiet or lie to anyone. DH on the other hand seems to think that burying his head in the sand is the way forward. There's a lot of back story with DH but basically this is how he has been brought up, I on the other hand have always thought that if the truth is out from the start then no shit storms can occur. I wouldn't put DH on the birth cert although he did suggest it. My eldest didn't realise that DH wasn't his dad until he reached an age where I thought it appropriate to tell him and personally I would do the same with this one. DH in his own words just wants a quiet life, but I can't seem to explain to him that getting it all out in the open now is the way to achieve that.

Spartans Sat 12-Sep-15 19:55:58

But it is out in the open. You have told the people it is most difficult to tell. Your dh and his mother! Tell anyone else you feel you should and leave it there.

Yes people will know, but it's not their business. How would you make 'everyone aware' anyway? You can't put a sign up outside the house or and ad in the paper.

You say you are living a lie. Who are you lying to, because I can't see it myself.

tribpot Sat 12-Sep-15 19:59:07

Hmm I can understand your dilemma with ds1. But now all it will take is him getting the hump about something (which, I believe, teens are prone to do) and it's round the village like wildfire.

I think you do need to have a conversation with your DH about how he'll deal with that if it happens. He clearly doesn't want to talk about it again but this is unlikely to be permanently possible.

Cabrinha Sat 12-Sep-15 20:26:31

How was your 14yo child involved in any decision making process?! shock

Your husband has accepted you cheating on him, and has accepted raising this child. So he doesn't want you shout it from the roof tops... Isn't that fair? He's doing a LOT here, staying together, accepting this child. But wants to keep it quiet. That sounds fair. Yet it seems you want to be louder about it? Seems unfair to him. And posting here that you need to tell the truth when it seems everyone knows (your son, your husband, his mother...) all know. Honestly, that seems quite attention seeking. Is that the case? Do you want attention? Do you want 'punishment'? Do you actually want your husband to 'man up' and say no, actually this isn't acceptable?

You haven't said what he went through in finding out and deciding to stay. But I know when I have gone off someone I've had to fight the urge to be quite mean to them, before splitting. I'm not proud of that. But you've cheated on him, and now it's almost like you want to rub his nose in it. Are you trying to see how far you can push him? Is he unbearably passive and you want a reaction?

I note you say he didn't bond with his own kids either. I'm imagining an emotionless man that you're unhappy and frustrated with and just want to push push push.

OK, I'm really imagining a lot here! But something about this doesn't sit right with me, I can't work out what's going on - but he's accepted you being pregnant with your ex's child and yet you're complaining he just wants to keep his business private? When it's pretty embarrassing for him. He'll get judged by some as a total sap for staying with you, and bringing up another man's child. Yet you won't spare him that it return for his forgiveness?

Whatifitoldyou Sat 12-Sep-15 20:36:04

I agree with cabrinha. You seem to want everything to know.

lavenderhoney Sat 12-Sep-15 20:38:58

You have everything you want - your dh is going to raise the child as his own, his mother is on the face of it ok. The child's father wants nothing to do with any of you. There doesn't seem a problem to me, tbh. Unless you actually want drama and misery in your life, and your family's life.

Just give the child your married surname and get on with it. Put his real dad on the birth certificate. No one looks at those anyway. It's no ones business.

See a lawyer about getting your dh parental responsibility or whatever it is. Your ex will have to sign I should think to hand over all decisions to you. You could circumvent all this by putting your dh name on the cert, but that depends on your ethics and if your ex is looking to make trouble, which he won't from your description.

I think your dh is right and it's not something to be gossiped about and do you really want to be the subject of that? And your DC? And your mil, and your dh? You're in the pink at the moment. Don't push it.

Trurouge Sat 12-Sep-15 20:58:55

I'm not trying to push anything I just worry that DH will be more upset if it came out later down the line, like when baby starts school. Neither of us have been perfect in our relationship but yes I have everything I want now and should be happy with that. DH is quiet and always has been an I know how lucky I am to have a man who wants what's best for me above all else. He did vent his anger in the first instance which landed him with a criminal record (caution) something he's not proud of. I'm in now way looking for attention and only posted on here as it seemed to be the only place I didn't need to mind what I said for the sake of DH. I'm quite happy to save his embarrassment if that is truly what he wants its just sometimes it feels more like burying his head than making a choice. I can't make it all go away and just worry about DH

Spartans Sat 12-Sep-15 21:11:19

But who is it that you think needs to know to save your dh anymore hurt.

Are you going to call the school you are planning on putting your child in, in advance? Who exactly do you think you need to start telling.

That's what I don't get. You have told everyone imporatant in your lives. It's not under a rug.

Say dh changes his mind and agrees with you, how are you planning on anouncing to the world.

What do you want to do?

Cabrinha Sat 12-Sep-15 21:15:54

Burying his head? I should imagine that most people's active choice would be to keep their private business private.

I don't understand WHAT is going to come out later? There will always be new people coming and going in your life who will find out your little bit of gossip (which is all it is, to anyone else).

I think the person whose business it us most is the unborn child. I suspect he'd rather know himself, but not have you shouting it from the rooftops. Plenty of children accept a step parent as their father when the bio father is absent.

I daresay if someone says "is that your dad?" at school pick up, he'll happily say "yeah" and choose not to start telling everyone "well I call him dad but actually my mum had an affair with my oldest brother's dad, who is my real dad, but I've never met him and anyway I feel like my real dad is the dad who raised me". Not because he's ashamed or embarrassed but because it's too complicated and too Not Anyone's Business. So why do you want to tell everyone? (whoever everyone is?)

My friend's a nanny, always got "oh he has your eyes!" type comments when out. She just said "do you think? smile"

You don't HAVE to bludgeon people with the truth, to not be living a lie.

In your shoes, I'd be far more concerned that I was staying with a man who didn't bond with any of his kids and who (it sounds like?) has been violent.

You did something pretty shitty to him, but still - most men don't end up with a caution.

Trurouge Sat 12-Sep-15 21:22:01

I can't say I'm planning on any big announcement but certain conversations have already come up, for example a couple of friends were round a couple of weeks ago and the conversation turned to babies in general and before he even thought about it my husband announced "well I had the chop 3 years ago so I can't see me having anymore". We all noticed but said nothing. I know that generally speaking this will always be the case, that even if something does inadvertently pop out then most people are too polite to start questioning I just hope that hubby feels the same.

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