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He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

(876 Posts)
ComeDownToMe Sat 12-Sep-15 12:55:49

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

ivykaty44 Sat 12-Sep-15 13:51:19

Walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you decide

Isetan Sat 12-Sep-15 14:35:58

I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt What a bizarre standpoint, how many affairs do you think led to no one getting hurt?

You're feeling icky because you've seen up close and personal what being betrayed by your spouse looks like and it's quite a sobering sight when compared to the explanation bullshit cheaters give to excuse their deceit and cowardice.

Whose to say that all the great things you listed above about your relationship, weren't hallmarks of your partners marriage, up until the moment he chose to betray his wife.

Haven't you asked what permissions he gave himself to betray someone he loved?

Flangeshrub Sat 12-Sep-15 16:26:40

You need to believe your lovely DP is not a cunt. Sadly you would be wrong.
HTH.

shutupanddance Sat 12-Sep-15 16:30:07

You do know theres a mistress vacancy now op? They usually do it again, you will probably see what a badtard he can be.

mrstweefromtweesville Sat 12-Sep-15 16:31:44

You accept that all people are capable of bad behaviour. You acknowledge that he has form. You keep a watchful eye and ear open and you get on with your life. Always have plan B ready. Have all the financial/legal information and documents at your fingertips and plenty of bags for when you have to pack his things and send him on his way. Then continue as normal until he makes a wrong move.

Lweji Sat 12-Sep-15 16:34:09

What does he say about his affair?

BertPuttocks Sat 12-Sep-15 16:43:14

I think that sometimes people like to kid themselves that a cheater only cheats because of some deficiency in their spouse/relationship. It deludes them into thinking that the cheater would never do it to them because their own relationship is different and special.

When the cheated-on person is someone who you know to be a good and decent person, the scales fall from your eyes and you see that the deficiency was with the cheater all along. The 'it would never happen to us' security has gone.

ComeDownToMe Sat 12-Sep-15 20:03:51

Ivy I don't quite follow what you mean. I know the saying but not sure how it's relevant. I hope I won't ever have to do that walk. He's not slagged her off as such.

Isetan I know several men who've cheated and their wives are none the wiser and so I don't think it's a given someone always get hurt. I don't automatically think someone is a bastard because they've cheated although it's not something I have ever done and I definitely don't condone it.

I think my DP had a fairly reasonable marriage and his ex is nice.

I do feel a bit differently now I've seen what it has done to my friend and am viewing it in a different way now.

Obviously we have talked about his cheating. He said it was no strings fun as the marriage had gone stale. He's not really dressed it up or tried to excuse it. He wanted a bit of excitement and wasn't getting it at home.

Lweji Sat 12-Sep-15 20:09:15

I think I'd worry in case my relationship got stale, then.
He might decide to have a bit of fun on the side without mentioning any problems with the relationship first.

Is that his attitude towards his cheating? No regrets?

cremeeggboycotter Sat 12-Sep-15 20:15:06

Your DP was a bastard. He treated his wife appallingly. He's not one now but back then he was.

SevenSeconds Sat 12-Sep-15 20:15:11

I know several men who've cheated and their wives are none the wiser - so you mean it's ok to cheat as long as you don't get caught?!

cremeeggboycotter Sat 12-Sep-15 20:21:29

SevenSeconds I think that may be how the OP justified it previously? Ignorance is bliss?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 12-Sep-15 20:22:12

"Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love?"

Yes, some can. Others believe that they won't get caught out, so aren't really doing any obvious harm. And the rest don't give a fuck.

The person who's behaved like a bastard in the past is still a bastard now.

CocktailQueen Sat 12-Sep-15 20:22:14

Wow, is that his attitude to cheating?? Did he talk to his wife and try to resolve it before he shagged around? Did his wife think the spark and excitement had gone? Didn't he think about ending the relationship before cheating??

No strings fun.

Op, he didn't chest because he'd fallen in live or anything like that. He just wanted his end away.

Don't lie to yourself - he'll do just the same to you.

CocktailQueen Sat 12-Sep-15 20:22:34

Chest - cheat
Live - love

summerwinterton Sat 12-Sep-15 20:30:35

so you are dating a cheat. What makes you think he will stay faithful to you if things get a bit stale?

mylovelylife Sat 12-Sep-15 20:34:32

"marriage was a bit stale" - This would worry me, most relationships go through stressy or 'stale' periods because a relationship has to be kept alive by both parties. Breaking his vows for this reason seems very selfish.

How old is he? Was the marriage a long time ago? I think you are wise to take this as a red flag..I think that the 2 year mark is when you start to know someone and potentially the newness of the relationship wanes.

My dh's ex had affairs in her 1st marriage (to DH) and affairs in her 2nd husband, she is onto her 3rd marriage..I think the tendency to affairs can be a character trait - i.e looking for a thrill when the relationship isn't exciting anymore.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sat 12-Sep-15 20:36:12

Obviously we have talked about his cheating. He said it was no strings fun as the marriage had gone stale. He's not really dressed it up or tried to excuse it. He wanted a bit of excitement and wasn't getting it at home.

Jeez op. Did you really just type that and do you really feel ok about it? What happens when your relationship goes stale - like they all do, at some point. The excitement doesn't last forever. My DM has just been diagnosed with cancer - believe you me, it is NOT very exciting round our house right now. That's life though. If I thought DH would be putting it about because of that...

You've essentially had a wake up call. Remember that old MN standard 'when someone tells you who they are, listen.'

cremeeggboycotter Sat 12-Sep-15 21:05:09

Obviously we have talked about his cheating. He said it was no strings fun as the marriage had gone stale. He's not really dressed it up or tried to excuse it. He wanted a bit of excitement and wasn't getting it at home.

Reading that, does it not make you worry? What if you go through a stale period? What if you're ill or highly stressed? Do you not feel you have to keep working overtime to ensure it isn't stale? I'd be asking him if he plans to tell you when he finds things stale, or will just have ONS.

mrstweefromtweesville Sat 12-Sep-15 21:35:45

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love
Yes, and so can women. But I'd question how far they actually 'love' the wronged partner.

SanityClause Sat 12-Sep-15 21:41:51

Wow, you've been told, haven't you?

"Don't you let this relationship go stale, or I will feel entitled to have some no-strings fun, elsewhere. Mkay?"

goddessofsmallthings Sun 13-Sep-15 06:39:56

He wanted a bit of excitement and wasn't getting it at home

Your dp has proved himself to be more than capable of compartmentalising and, if you want to retain his interest at all times, all you have to do is make sure that you're providing him with more excitement at home than he can find elsewhere.

You may need to book tap & ballet lessons so that you can become an all-singing and dancing entertainment centre. If you also take up lap, pole, & belly dancing, chances are he won't stray for long.

Btw, it would be particularly unwise for you to have dc with this man outside of marriage as even the most talented entertainer will struggle to perform when they're suffering from sleep deprivation and leaking boobs and are subsumed by the demands of a small person.

Hoppipolar Sun 13-Sep-15 07:02:13

Firstly, women also cheat!

Secondly, I am a firm believer that people can change. The human race is highly complex. However, him saying things had gone stale at home was probably to make you feel less guilty. That obviously worked. When you and him go through a period that isn't all sunshine and rainbows he may well do it to you. People who start a relationship the way you did rarely work out.

Saying you weren't judgemental on men having affairs before paints you as being quite a cold, uncaring person. People always find out, people always get hurt, and they are never ever the same again. When you are the victim of an affair it makes you change as a person. You question everything about yourself, your relationship and your life. It scars you forever. This is what you both did to his poor wife. However, once she emerges from the pain and sadness she will likely be a much stronger person than you'll ever be, and she deserves so so much better than your oh.

I am also a firm believer in karma being a bitch.

cailindana Sun 13-Sep-15 07:09:27

So he told you that he went and shagged someone and destroyed his marriage to a decent person just for a bit of fun and that had no impact on you?? He's clearly an arsehole, pity it took you so long to get a bit of sense.

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