Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I want to move but my husband doesn't?

(11 Posts)
WinterForest Sat 12-Sep-15 00:26:50

I really wanted to ask this for a long time. Basically before my husband and I decided to get married we both always discussed where we would eventually move. We had all kinds of ideas (some silly, some serious) but the main one was that one day we'd move back to my hometown where I grew up because all my friends and family are there and it really is a beautiful place. He had nothing against this and seemed excited about it. He always said "yeah I don't even like my job at all, and I just want to get out of this area". We visited there all the time and had the time of our lives. I found myself so happy and smiling and laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. That doesn't seem to happen here. Because I am alone here.

Neither of us have friends or family here and it's been a hard struggle to live here (it's really expensive and the transportation is so horrible I feel isolated all the time). I became pregnant with my son who is now 10 months old, and so we put our plans on hold for the last year and several months. For the time being we moved to a bigger apartment and didn't talk about moving back to my hometown. As time went on though, my desire to move closer to my friends and family became strong again mainly because my grandma is dying and I want to move close to her to see her and let her be a part of her grandson's life. My best friend also lives there with her son, and she's always happy to see us. Also it's SUCH a beautiful place that is pretty much the ideal picture of a great place to raise kids (I know because I grew up there and I wouldn't mind the support of family/friends).

I talked to this with my husband but recently notice he has no interest anymore. He growls at me and gets really angry if I bring it up in the slightest. This has really gotten me down. I was so looking forward to being close to family again and living there again (I even dream about living there). My husband's been really miserable recently because he works 15 hours per day on average. He never ever has friends over or sees any friends...and if I want to visit some old friends now he gets jealous and doesn't allow me to go.

I've been stuck in this city for 7 years now and never intended to stay here forever. Meeting my husband here made me stay. He says things like "you just have to appreciate the fact that we have a place and I'm the breadwinner, and there's a roof over your son's head" he makes me sound like I'm crazy, like I'm not thinking logically. He doesn't want to give up his job now. I feel sort of like I've been hit in the back of the head with a baseball bat or something, like all of a sudden this means my future is now here.

I can't follow my dreams now, I can't ever leave, I can't ever be around my family and friends ever again. I've always wanted to move back there with a passion and he knew this...and now I can't. It's made me rather depressed. Sometimes I even feel like if I never met him I'd be long gone by now, but I don't want to think like that as I do love him a lot. I feel so torn.

Isetan Sat 12-Sep-15 07:39:54

Hmm interesting, he told you what you wanted to hear to maintain the status quo and now that you have a child he thinks that you're trapped. He can dispense with non committal crap and can employ the put up and shut up crap.

You have choices, you've always had choices but instead you've allowed the decision to be kicked so far down the road that you feel trapped by your choices made in the intervening time. That 'baseball bat to the back of the head' feeling, is the realisation that you surrendered a lot of power to someone who was on a different page to you and who was prepared to deceive you in order to stay on that page. What was the reason for delegating something so important to you (possibly a deal breaker) to someone who, at best, was meh about it?

A compromise is dependent on how much you want to move vs how much he wants to stay and the existing dynamic between you (where he gets the casting vote), changing. How are decisions usually made between you?

Before you talk to you H you need to first understand how you got here and your H possible deceit, is only part of the story.

category12 Sat 12-Sep-15 08:20:20

What do you mean, he won't let you see friends? That's not right, that's a massive problem.. He isn't the boss of you.

You don't have to stay. You can take your baby, pick up and go home. I think you should.

Hoppipolar Sat 12-Sep-15 08:39:52

Hmm he shouldn't stop you from seeing your friends, that's wrong. However, he can't just leave his job and move without getting another one.

You can be proactive and look for a job there for yourself. You could then tell him you're making money too and you want to move. Could there be a compromise of living somewhere inbetween? Does he have hopes and dreams?

Tbh if I was working that much I'd probably feel too tired to think about moving! And jealous if my oh was visiting friends etc rather than looking to help financially. How far away is your home town? I don't think taking your son away would be right as it's his baby too (I assume).

There needs to be a compromise. You're both clearly unhappy. It sounds like he's under a lot of pressure but he shouldn't tell you what you can and can't do.

tribpot Sat 12-Sep-15 08:48:00

I'm the breadwinner, and there's a roof over your son's head

Wow. Your son? So, not his, then? (I know that of course your son is his son). His language says quite clearly: I am earning the money that keeps you and therefore you do what I say.

The fact that he doesn't want you to see friends is a bad sign too - he's effectively trapped you and now he's shutting down your emotional support.

Time to decide what you want to do. You can take him at his word and go back out to work so that you are also the breadwinner and therefore you actually get a vote in what the family does. You can leave and move back to your home town (with or without him). You can agree a reasonable time frame for him to find another job. You can ignore his attempts to isolate you from friends and go and see them anyway.

magoria Sat 12-Sep-15 09:20:32

He doesn't get to not allow you to go and see people.

You have the right to go and do that when you want. Make the arrangements and spend some time with family and friends.

He is your H not your owner or master.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet Sat 12-Sep-15 09:42:45

The friends thing is a red flag and needs dealing with.

However, do you really expect him to quit work and move with no money? How will you fund a new house with no salary.

If it means that much to you, find a job in your hometown and become the main earner. He can then follow or choose to stay.

I don't agree he trapped you, you choose as an adult to have a child, move to a different place in the same area and become financially dependent on him.

Isetan Sat 12-Sep-15 11:18:25

I didn't see the bit about 'not letting you' you choosing not to see friends because it's easier then listening to him moan about you seeing your friends.

When did he become the boss and why did you let him?

Twinklestein Sat 12-Sep-15 11:33:25

As he doesn't 'let' you see your friends where you are - I wonder if part of the motivation for not moving is that he doesn't want you around your friends and family. Is he quite insecure? Has he always been this controlling?

Trapping and isolating someone is not the way to make the relationship work.

In your situation, I would tell him you've compromised for 7 years, you want to move back home, and you're looking for a job in your home town.

He can look for a job in your home town or not, it's up to him.

Joysmum Sat 12-Sep-15 12:10:52

Threads like your always amaze me.

That starts as an thread about one issue proves to be the tip of the iceberg with the real deal breakers not even being mentioned!

amanda5434 Sat 02-Sep-17 23:28:51

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now