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Should I trust him after possible infidelity

(165 Posts)
lydiajane01 Fri 11-Sep-15 21:55:54

At the start of the year I saw some messages between my husband and a female friend from work. They seemed to be discussing his potential infidelity not with her but another woman in their department. Husband swore blind that he hadn't actually gone through with it just had his head turned by this woman.

The female friend he was chatting to about it is someone I know. I wouldn't say we are as close friends like she is with my husband, as they spend time socialising as a group with some other friends from work, but I would say we are friends. She's invited me out to her birthday's and some "girly nights" over the last few years

Husband and I almost split up over it but we decided to work through the issues. There was a lot else going on at the same time which lead him to say he felt neglected by me and when the OW had started to "come on to him" he'd felt flattered and enjoyed the attention.

The things he was telling his female work friend was fairy graphic but I do believe him that nothing actually happened with OW. He admits he didn't intend for me to see their messages, he said he used to delete anything that wasn't purely innocent friendly chat, so I would like to believe that he didn't physically cheating otherwise he would have given his female friend the details in that conversation

I was very angry and became rather jealous of his friendship with his female friend because a) he was discussing his potential cheating with her b) that he was obviously confiding in her over me on a rang of other issues. I've never had any problem with their friendship before as she is very nice and friendly but as part of the getting through what he'd done I asked him to talk to her a bit less until I was over my jealousy.

My issue comes now that although he did stop talking to her so much for a while he's been talking to her an awful lot again recently. He's open with his Work laptop (another condition of us not splitting) and I admit I had a look a few nights ago. His email account is full of emails from them! some work related but others are obviously just long chatty emails. I felt a tiny bit jealous again but was prepared to let it lie until I noticed something slightly odd. In a few of his emails he says things like I will text you or check your whatsapp. At first she questions why and he makes it clear whatever it is he wanted to say isn't appropriate for email at work.

Husband took passcode off his phone at my request after I saw him talking about cheating. I took the chance to look at his phone and found hundreds of messages between him and his female friend on whatapps. It looks like they message on it during work, most evenings after work and occasionally on weekends. Now they are good friends so I would expect the to chat a bit but I now feel very insecure and jealous about the amount he talks to her! I read a large chuck of the messages and they are all totally innocent but it just really bothered me.

I checked his normal text messages because my Husband specifically mentioned that she should read her text messages in an email he sent last week. I may be being over suspicious or paranoid but I definitely feel like he's been deleting some of the messages. I also got the impression from one conversation just before the bank holiday they were meeting up somewhere. It was a bit odd as it was clearly during the day at work. He said he was leaving now and she said see you in 5 minutes. I don't really see why they would need to go meet up somewhere as they sit near each other

I can't decide if I should believe my husband or not when he says he didn't actually cheat. I also don't know how much I trust his friendship with his friend. Its clear they are still very very close and talking all the time and although the chats are very innocent I have this gnawing feeling that he's deleting messages again. He would only be doing that if he had something to hide. He's very open with his phone, laptop and work laptop which makes me feel like I must be being silly. If he was cheating he wouldn't let me near them surely?!

In all their chats I've seen no mention of the original OW so I fully believe him when he says he cut all contact with her but this last week I've been questioning his "friendship" with this female friend. I feel like they are too close but he obviously has no intentions of giving up his friendship with her

She is in a long term relationship, engaged with 2 daughters

I realise this was very long but I really needed to get it off my chest

bjrce Fri 11-Sep-15 22:18:59

OMG!, Constant checking of phones, laptops emails etc. that's no way to live OP.

He's up to no good, why on earth do they need to have as much contact as they are currently. Even if there was nothing going on its highly inappropriate at the very least.
I am sorry based on his previous form, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him, he knows you check his emails, phones and at the moment it like a case of cat and mouse, him scurrying round, posting mails, texting and then deleting so you don't find any incrimination evidence.
From you very first paragraph, why is he swearing blind nothing ever happened with OW to her, whats going on there? its as if he is trying to appease her. Theres an awful loy of shit going on behind the scenes.
I wouldn't have the energy for it.

MajesticWhine Fri 11-Sep-15 22:25:42

I don't see why you should trust him. He has to earn that trust back. I don't think it's appropriate for him to be very close to the female friend and personally, I wouldn't be comfortable with it. You might never know whether he really cheated or not, so you might need to decide if you can live with that. But if you want to move on from this, then I think he needs to create some more appropriate boundaries with this female friend.

cozietoesie Fri 11-Sep-15 22:39:48

It sounds as if he's playing games with you. Is that the sort of relationship you want?

lydiajane01 Fri 11-Sep-15 22:41:44

I asked him to take off all his password etc to prove to me he had nothing to hide. At first I checked a fair bit but over the year I'd been less inclined too.

I was just tempted when I saw his work laptop just sitting there emails wide open.

I thought I was at peace with the idea he hadn't cheated and it was all just talk but over the last few weeks I've had that feeling in my gut. I didn't want to make him end his friendship with with his female friend. I guess I didn't want to be that kind of wife but I now feel he's over stepping boundaries again and its making me really jealous. I could deal with them being good friends because they have been for years but something in my gut is telling me its not right.

I think I'm mainly questioning why they are meeting up when they work next to each other practically.

bjrce I feel like I don't have the energy for it. He totally disrespected our marriage by even thinking about cheating but to sit and discuss it so brazenly with a friend just seemed to me a horrible thing to do.

I feel in turmoil and I'm questioning everything right now. I really Don't want to split up my family but don't know if I can carry on like this

Havalina1 Fri 11-Sep-15 22:56:49

I wanted to comment just on the fact he uses whatsapp and meets his work colleague "leaving in 5 mins" etc and you asking why they would do that - in our company we are so aware of company-appropriate emails and what you say/don't say in them - generally opinions on work related stuff or work people would never be committed to awoke email - that's like work suicide. I had a super male friend and I'd often head out for quick coffees or lunch with him - it was never inappropriate and we talked about EVERYTHING - I always asked about his fianc?? even though is only let her the once - but to outsiders people thought there had to be more going on and there 100% was not, never ever crossed that line.

But you saying that "gnawing feeling" sets alarm bells off in me, that resonates. There is something out of kilter and you are looking for the explanation. You may be barking up the wrong tree but something is out of synch. Don't ignore your instinct. Your eyes are already open so just keep watching.

I am sorry you are left feeling like this.

cozietoesie Fri 11-Sep-15 23:09:38


Would this 'everything' that you discussed have included 'graphic' details of your own sex life?

lydiajane01 Fri 11-Sep-15 23:09:45

Havalina1 what you're saying about work emails and also meeting up for lunch and coffee makes perfect sense and I know that will most likely be the reason but there is just something fishy about it that's makes me feel like throwing up

I started off worrying he was in contact with the OW again, then I just started being really jealous of this female friend. He rarely mentions her name around me over the last few weeks because I get annoyed and make rude comments.

They all went out for work drinks earlier in the week and she posted a selfie of husband her and two other men they work with. It made me get really cross for some reason and he wasn't even sat next to her

I can't decide if I should confront Husband again and tell him that I think he's playing games, deleting messages, hiding something and needs to cool his friendship with this woman or if I'm being utterly ridiculous seeing issues where there isn't any

cozietoesie Fri 11-Sep-15 23:13:18

What are the practical aspects of your relationship, lydia ? (eg house ownership, financials, DC etc )

goddessofsmallthings Sat 12-Sep-15 03:53:34

The rule of thumb has it that you ignore your gut feelings at your peril.

Coming so soon after your twat of a husband confessed to 'having his dick head turned' by a female colleague, it is singularly inappropriate and highly insensitive of him to have formed a close friendship, if that is all it is, with yet another female colleague.

He's disrespecting your marriage again as it should be you he's sharing his deepest/darkest/lightest thoughts with and the only way you'll be 'ridiculous' is if you let this disquieting situation continue as it will only be to your detriment if he doesn't cease his attentions to a woman who's proved she's no friend of yours as, from what you've said, she seems to have been more than willing to condone his potential infidelity.

Wtf is this woman doing now? Drying his tears at having been thwarted in his plan to get his adulterous leg over? Or has she decided she fancies her chances with him because he is so obviously up for it?

Along with cozie, I'm interested to know what your financial position is and I'm also curious to know whether your h and his female colleague do any actual work amongst their constant messaging.

ShizeItsWeegie Sat 12-Sep-15 04:38:42

Is there not a fair chance he left the emails 'wide open' as a deflection? Your attention is drawn to that whilst he has a secret mobile perhaps?
How do you feel about him? Do you want to stay? He would have lost my trust completely and with the continued inappropriateness (if that is even a word?), I would see that as him treating me with no respect and I would LTB. Actions speak louder than words here OP.

AyeAmarok Sat 12-Sep-15 08:53:58

Hi OP. Tricky one, this.

One thing I don't understand is how the messages to this 'friend' were graphic about the OW

Havalina1 Sat 12-Sep-15 09:00:04


Would this 'everything' that you discussed have included 'graphic' details of your own sex life?

Ha, not really, maybe to a small degree, but I don't discuss my sex life with anyone really. I'm too old for that!

AyeAmarok Sat 12-Sep-15 09:02:48

Sorry, not sure how that posted early...

Graphic about OW if he hadn't done anything? Do you mean he was saying graphic things he wanted to do to OW and was telling the female friend this? If so, that is really bizarre behaviour, on both of their parts confused.

Secondly, I'm not sure that forcing him to cut contact with FF will work. He needs to understand that this FF is not a friend of your marriage, and his contact levels and topics of discussion with her are damaging to your marriage. And he needs to want to put your marriage first and protect it from outside perils, not invite them into it like he has been doing.

If he doesn't understand the damage he's been doing to your marriage then that would be the death knell for me.

Havalina1 Sat 12-Sep-15 09:47:11

Lydijane no I agree with you that something is not right I am just saying it might not be in the place you are placing your suspicions.

I know that sick throwing up feeling it's rotten.

Puzzledandpissedoff Sat 12-Sep-15 11:41:08

I thought I was at peace with the idea he hadn't cheated and it was all just talk but over the last few weeks I've had that feeling in my gut

And that's exactly the point - it doesn't go away, does it?

This really isn't about whether or not you should trust him; it's whether, given his past choices, you can. His job - if he's prepared to do it - is to do whatever he can to earn that trust so that you can genuinely move forward

Personally I agree with PPs that you'd be unwise to ignore your gut instinct on this; it's there for a reason and is rarely wrong

lydiajane01 Sat 12-Sep-15 13:04:56

I tried to reply last night but the sight stopped working for me when I pressed post message

cozietoesie we have a House (joint mortgage) we have a joint account and savings account. Husband also has his own current account. We have two DCs I would like a 3rd but Husband doesn't seem keen. I work PT and Husband works Full time.

goddessofsmallthings I don't really understand why he was telling her. I think it was because she was the only person he could tell and he wanted to talk to a friend about his feelings for OW. They were just talking like he was a single guy discussing some girl he wanted to sleep with.

ShizeItsWeegie I did wonder but as far as I know he only has the one mobile which along with his work laptop and home laptop now have no codes on. I'm starting to think he just deletes messages then leaves phone or laptop open so he looks as innocent as possible. I did want our marriage to work and to stay and he seems to be doing everything I asked, apart from talking to much to Female friend again, but still I feel like i'm missing a piece of the puzzle.

AyeAmarok He was graphically describing the OW and how turned on she made him. He was also telling his FF what he wanted to do to OW. It realy felt like two single friends talking about people they wanted to sleep with. FF made a few jokes to husband in response. I knew they were close but not close enough to discuss their sex lives with each other. That's another thing that bothers me one of the conversations via whatsapps was them talking about their favourite sexual things. Not suggesting they should do it to each other just discussing what really turns them on and what top 3 sex acts they enjoy the most. Part of me is shocked he's talking like that with a FF but part of me things i'm being unreasonable because i've gossiped to my close friends about stuff like that before so am I silly and getting cross about it because she is female??

cozietoesie Sat 12-Sep-15 13:46:31

I'm sorry then, lydia, because the two DCs (sorry that I don't know how old they are) make things more complicated initially for you on a practical level.

Someone up thread referred to aspects of his behaviour with this FF as 'bizarre' and I would agree. He has been discussing graphic sexual details about another woman with her and then they continue to see each other and maintain a 'close' (and possibly escalating) relationship? With her seemingly willing to so do and to ignore your possible feelings?

I'm afraid that man or woman, that would be a line in the sand for me. I still think he's gaming you. He sounds as if he's rather enjoying having two women in his life to worry about him and dance attendance on him.

I would not, under any circumstances, have another child with him.

lydiajane01 Sat 12-Sep-15 14:19:37

cozietoesie He is very against another child. It was a bit of an issue between us for a while. When i found the initial messages about OW he said part of it came from me pressing him so hard for another child that he felt neglected because I was only interested in that. Thats not true but I can see how that may have come across.

Husband has plans to go out with FF and some other work friends for dinner and drinks (they socialise a lot) I'm tempted to ask him not to go and see what he says and does.

I'm not sure if I should ask him why he needs to talk to her so much. Its making me jealous and adds to the bad feeling I've been getting

Optimist1 Sat 12-Sep-15 14:28:11

Just a thought - is it possible that OW and female friend are the same person? (I'm thinking your DH might have started a conversation "There's someone at work I really fancy." FF : "Well I never - is she sexy?" DH : "Oh yes, and what I'd like to do to her is ..." ) See what I mean?

Optimist1 Sat 12-Sep-15 14:31:52

Just a thought - is it possible that OW and female friend are the same person? (I'm thinking your DH might have started a conversation "There's someone at work I really fancy." FF : "Well I never - is she sexy?" DH : "Oh yes, and what I'd like to do to her is ..." ) See what I mean?

cozietoesie Sat 12-Sep-15 14:38:59

...he said part of it came from me pressing him so hard for another child that he felt neglected because I was only interested in that...

Uh Huh - blaming you for his own behaviour? You sound completely on the back foot in this whole thing. 'Gee honey - it was only because you did xxxx that I went elsewhere.......' Please tell me you didn't accept all the blame in that conversation?

But as I said, I'd not have another child with him - not because he doesn't want one but because the very last thing you need is to be pregnant and frailer at a point when your relationship is dodgy to say the least.

I still think he's gaming you. I could be wrong of course but I can't conceive of someone behaving as he is doing in a loving and solid relationship.

lydiajane01 Sat 12-Sep-15 14:40:01

Optimist1 They referred to the OW by name in a conversation so I don't think they are the same person. You could still be right I guess, I hadn't really though about it like that

lydiajane01 Sat 12-Sep-15 14:43:06

cozietoesie I told him what he said was unacceptable just because I wanted another child didn't mean he should start looking for his kicks in another place.

I don't know what he's up to any more. I really did think he wanted to save our marriage and by doing things like removing all his passwords he was showing me but I guess I may have been wrong.

He said I looked stressed out so took the DCs out for the day so I can "rest up"

cozietoesie Sat 12-Sep-15 14:48:04

Out of interest, you said that he said 'part of it' was etc etc etc. What, if anything, did he say the rest of it was?

(In my experience, a careful 'arguer' will often use a filler word like 'part/partly', see that what follows has an effect on the other person, and then concentrate on that to the exclusion of all else. Did you actually get round to discussing any other reasons?)

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