Bullet, I can really empathise with you. The gap between me splitting with XH and meeting someone new was a lot bit shorter than yours, but I too had feelings for someone who I think just saw me as a friend.
I used to meet up with him and his DCs (he was a SAHD) while I was married and we got on well, but no hint of anything inappropriate except in my mind In fact, I'd tried to set him up with a friend of a friend as he was such a nice guy I wanted him to meet someone lovely.
He had recently separated from his DW and once I split from XH of 14 years, I went for a drink with this guy, talked about our situations and ended up snogging him at the end of the evening. However, I now realise this was more led by me than him and, despite his promises to take me out after that, nothing more ever materialised.
I now realise that this was a transition - it was me waking up to the fact that I was still a sexual being and capable of being good company, despite being labelled frigid, boring and past-it by the ex. This man was really a bit irrelevant in the whole thing, it could have been anyone (well anyone NICE) really, it was a bit like having a crush on your teacher or best friend's brother at school - practice for the real thing later on!
I've been brooding on this. How do you even do dating when you are a SP?
If you don't have friends/family you can swap babysitting favours with then find a reliable teen to help you out for a few quid a night. You deserve a social life, especially as a lone parent, and if your ex has the DCs at all then try to arrange dates for his nights, but if not you need to have some back-up childcare for your own sanity!
Like, obviously you wouldn't introduce the man as a boyfriend for sometime. But do people introduce them as a friend? Otherwise how do you ever spend time together? What about 'sleepovers'??
I introduced my DP quite quickly by MN standards. He used to sneak in and out at night in the beginning so they didn't know he'd been here overnight, but that can't go on for long, so you just have to be confident that he's worth committing to and then make that decision. There's a big hoo-ha about leaving it a year or whatever, but that's not sustainable for most of us. Obviously nobody is recommending a string of men traipsing through the house, but if you meet someone you like, with whom you can see a future, who is keen to meet your DCs and be part of family life, then I think it makes sense for them to meet and see how they get on.
Imagine meeting someone you love, who is the perfect partner, you spend a wonderful year getting to know each other and then decide to introduce him to your DCs and they don't get on. It's a deal breaker. Seeing how someone interacts with your (and their own) DCs says a lot about your compatibility and if you're already emotionally invested in them, having spent many months together, you're more likely to ignore any warning signs.
Also, I feel really boring. I can talk about 'things I used to do' confused
You do need to do some things for yourself too - make time for hobbies, I know it's a cliche, but even being able to say "I just started Tae Kwon Do" or something, makes you sound like a more interesting person than telling someone what you did before you became a mum! I know it sounds easy, but making time to do things you enjoy is valuable both for your own happiness and for your 'appeal' as a partner. It doesn't even have to be out of the house if that's easier, there are plenty of hobbies you can do at home, but just trying something new gives you things to talk about.
It seems a bit insurmountable
One step at a time. It only feels this way, but it really isn't. I was nearly 40, fat and frumpy, fed-up and my self-esteem was on the floor. Luckily the stress of separation helped me lose a couple of stone - the self-esteem wasn't so easy to fix. However, starting some new hobbies, getting out there on dates and valuing myself has led me to meet someone absolutely wonderful who thinks I'm pretty awesome! After years of feeling like a failure as a wife, not really fancying sex and just existing as a housekeeper/mum, I'm now having an amazing time, my DP is really involved with my lovely DCs, is a generous and attentive partner and my ex's prediction that nobody else would ever want me could not be more wrong!
Not gloating, just trying to give you hope that it's not all over, it's just beginning.
Sorry that was loooong!