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I think im too broken to ever have a relationahip/sex, ever again

(27 Posts)
Bullettoothtony Fri 11-Sep-15 17:23:49

I posted a couple of weeks ago about a man I had a crush on. The first time I had felt remotely 'stirred' since my divorce 4 years ago.

We had a works night out for someone's birthday last week and I was hopeful. Nothing happened, I got a good night cuddle is all

From my last thread, I've managed to accept this doesn't mean I'm hideous; just that he isn't interested. I'm so grateful for the advice on the thread, because I know I wouldn't have dealt with that disappointment so well without them

But I do feel pretty hopeless. Which has been fine in the past, but now I feel sad

RedMapleLeaf Fri 11-Sep-15 17:35:05

What do you feel is hopeless?

Bullettoothtony Fri 11-Sep-15 18:20:22

Up until I met this guy, I had no interest in men and felt sure I wouldn't have any kind of relationship again. I was happy with that.

Now, I really like him, I feel a real connection with him. He apparently doesn't feel the same and I'm left trying to suppress these emotions and behave as a friend towards him. I'm struggling with my self awareness; am I being appropriate? Or a bit too flirty etc? That's pretty exhausting

And I'm left with unfulfilled longing/frustration

I wish I could just switch it off once and for all.

My xh used to tell me I would never find anyone else/no one would want me. So that is in my head too

ShizeItsWeegie Fri 11-Sep-15 19:14:46

Bullet surely you are just finding your feet again, that's all? You have been seriously knocked, take that into consideration. If only there was a website for OLD that only contained decent blokes that would never consider sending a cock shot in a million years so you could safely dip your toe in the water again without it being savaged by the metaphorical piranhas beneath the surface eh? You ex sounds like a cock btw.

Bullettoothtony Fri 11-Sep-15 19:45:16

Maybe that's it. I dint think I've ever been out on 'a date' in my life, with an unknown. My relationships have always grown up out of friendships. And at this age and life stage, those opportunities are few and far between. So the realisation that I would in fact like emotional and sexual involvement grin feels really, a bit hopeless and sad.

Bullettoothtony Fri 11-Sep-15 19:48:46

I feel really comfortable with this guy. except I keep thinking I'm too comfortable...so I try to back off, so hhe isn't made to feel uncomfortable. I feel like a jibbery lunatic inside. I've no idea how I appear from the outside confused

brokenhearted55a Fri 11-Sep-15 19:50:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bullettoothtony Fri 11-Sep-15 19:53:32

Ah, broken it's sad isn't it? Have you any one you want? Have you tried 'dating' etc? I don't know what the answer is. I feel really lonely if I let myself flowers

brokenhearted55a Fri 11-Sep-15 19:57:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brokenhearted55a Fri 11-Sep-15 19:59:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bullettoothtony Fri 11-Sep-15 20:06:10

Do you think you choose the arseholes on purpose?

Due to something that happened to me when I was 17, I was doing that. I rejected all the decent men that treated me well or actually loved me. My disasterous marriage pulled me up short and made me realise what I was doing
This guy is the first decent man I have been attracted to since 1993!!

brokenhearted55a Fri 11-Sep-15 20:18:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ladylouanne Fri 11-Sep-15 20:28:21

Bullet, I'm in the same situation.

I was widowed over 4 years and went a long time having no interest in finding another man. Anyway, about 15 months I developed this massive crush on a man I know. He was flirty with me, but was never a realistic possibility and I found this really hard. Painful even.

Gradually, my feelings for this man faded and I only bump into him by chance now. I feel vaguely repulsed at the idea of physical contact with him now, strangely.

The really annoying thing however is that I have developed feelings for someone else. Probably a more realistic prospect, but like you, I am really conscious of my behaviour around him. I've no idea how 'forward' to be - I'm terrified of making a fool of myself, but equally don't want him thinking I'm not interested.

God, I don't remember this all being so difficult when I was in my teens!

Bullettoothtony Fri 11-Sep-15 21:19:30

lady I think you should tell your crush? I think I would tell mine/ask him out, if I didn't have to work with him
At least that way either something happens, or you know it's not going to and you can move on/behave appropriately!!

I keep building up the fantasy in my head. Even though it looks less and less promising, I can shine up any glimmer of hope...

CherryPicking Fri 11-Sep-15 21:48:53

I could have written your post OP, more or less. Since I split with my ex a year ago I've really only been attracted to one person who doesn't feel the same way. Like you, I try to keep a respectful distance now, as being around said person feels 'too easy'. I don't feel confortablr being friend zoned. I'm trying now just to feel at ease with the way things are, and to that end I've now arranged to get some counselling. Can't wait to just let it all out to someone who's paid to listen! Maybe you could do similar?

Ladylouanne Fri 11-Sep-15 22:15:07

Bullet, I'm not sure I'm brave enough to say something outright, however we have been messaging each other and we may be meeting up later this weekend so I think I'll see how it develops. Still no sure if he sees me as just 'friendzone' material. The problem I have is that I feel I have the 'rules' of 25/30 years ago stuck in my head as that was when I last dated. As a result I tend to overthink who should be texting who first, should I ask him out or will he back off etc.

I'm also not sure you should give up on your chap just yet. He may also feel awkward about the work connection, just be shy etc. I think sometimes we assume men will be confident ones but honestly, I'm starting to think that they need leading sometimes!

Good luck

RedMapleLeaf Fri 11-Sep-15 22:36:08

I'm not too sure what's hopeless about this situation. You've rediscovered feelings that were lying dormant, opening all sorts of new possibilities for the future and you've realised that you're not hideous.

Bullettoothtony Sat 12-Sep-15 09:39:26

I've been brooding on this. How do you even do dating when you are a SP?

Like, obviously you wouldn't introduce the man as a boyfriend for sometime. But do people introduce them as a friend? Otherwise how do you ever spend time together? What about 'sleepovers'??

Also, I feel really boring. I can talk about 'things I used to do' confused

It seems a bit insurmountable

Dowser Sat 12-Sep-15 13:25:45

I don't know if this all helps but I had my first date with my new man after being with my ex 34 years and he was the same.

Things just progressed nicely. Not too much contact, not too little. He lived in another town but we started to see each other at weekends once or twice in the weekend.

Then he wanted to see me during the week so he dropped his class so that he could free up some time to do that.

Nothing was forced, no angst, no soul searching. He just saw me as the independent woman I am, enjoying her life and decided he wanted a bit of that.

Five weeks in when it was a really awful night and the roads were flooded I stayed over. It was nice. Nothing sexual happened. We just cuddled . We'd both missed that we both also knew that this was getting serious.

We never rushed things. He kept his own place going for 3.5 years and then moved in and he's been here ever since.

Just nice, easy plain sailing.

We connected through old and corresponded for 6 weeks before we met . We were mid fifties and now early 60 s and get married next week .

fuzzywuzzy Sat 12-Sep-15 13:35:52

Oh OP you will find the right person, when you're in a good place mentally is the best time to be honest.

I spent eight years after my divorce not wanting to be with anyone, it took me personally that long to heal from a horrendous marriage.
Twatface also told me I'd never be with anyone else, that I was used goods, that I was ugly (I'm none of those things completely the opposite actually).

I took time to find myself, I did things that made me happy, learning to enjoy being in my own skin. Made my own little world with DC, doing crazy fun things together which twatface wouldn't allow us to do.

I quite by accident met DP at work, he's the antithesis of twatface and incredibly kind.

You will find the right partner, be kind to yourself do things that make you feel good, make friends, enjoy being with your DC.

Squeegle Sat 12-Sep-15 13:40:52

Congrats Dowser, that's great!
And also encouraging!! I'm 49, and feeling a bit ancient. 2 kids usually at home work ft, loath to go out!! But I guess I need to to meet someone smile. Sorry, don't want to hijack thread OP, just to say... You're not alone. Sometimes I feel sad coz those who met partners nice and early and still get on, seem to have it so easy - not just in terms of relationships, but financially, and with child care and everything. But I guess that's not the whole tale and we all have to keep on trying if we want good things to happen in our lives.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sat 12-Sep-15 14:00:49

Bullet, I can really empathise with you. The gap between me splitting with XH and meeting someone new was a lot bit shorter than yours, but I too had feelings for someone who I think just saw me as a friend.

I used to meet up with him and his DCs (he was a SAHD) while I was married and we got on well, but no hint of anything inappropriate except in my mind In fact, I'd tried to set him up with a friend of a friend as he was such a nice guy I wanted him to meet someone lovely.

He had recently separated from his DW and once I split from XH of 14 years, I went for a drink with this guy, talked about our situations and ended up snogging him at the end of the evening. However, I now realise this was more led by me than him and, despite his promises to take me out after that, nothing more ever materialised.

I now realise that this was a transition - it was me waking up to the fact that I was still a sexual being and capable of being good company, despite being labelled frigid, boring and past-it by the ex. This man was really a bit irrelevant in the whole thing, it could have been anyone (well anyone NICE) really, it was a bit like having a crush on your teacher or best friend's brother at school - practice for the real thing later on!

I've been brooding on this. How do you even do dating when you are a SP?

If you don't have friends/family you can swap babysitting favours with then find a reliable teen to help you out for a few quid a night. You deserve a social life, especially as a lone parent, and if your ex has the DCs at all then try to arrange dates for his nights, but if not you need to have some back-up childcare for your own sanity!

Like, obviously you wouldn't introduce the man as a boyfriend for sometime. But do people introduce them as a friend? Otherwise how do you ever spend time together? What about 'sleepovers'??

I introduced my DP quite quickly by MN standards. He used to sneak in and out at night in the beginning so they didn't know he'd been here overnight, but that can't go on for long, so you just have to be confident that he's worth committing to and then make that decision. There's a big hoo-ha about leaving it a year or whatever, but that's not sustainable for most of us. Obviously nobody is recommending a string of men traipsing through the house, but if you meet someone you like, with whom you can see a future, who is keen to meet your DCs and be part of family life, then I think it makes sense for them to meet and see how they get on.

Imagine meeting someone you love, who is the perfect partner, you spend a wonderful year getting to know each other and then decide to introduce him to your DCs and they don't get on. It's a deal breaker. Seeing how someone interacts with your (and their own) DCs says a lot about your compatibility and if you're already emotionally invested in them, having spent many months together, you're more likely to ignore any warning signs.

Also, I feel really boring. I can talk about 'things I used to do' confused

You do need to do some things for yourself too - make time for hobbies, I know it's a cliche, but even being able to say "I just started Tae Kwon Do" or something, makes you sound like a more interesting person than telling someone what you did before you became a mum! I know it sounds easy, but making time to do things you enjoy is valuable both for your own happiness and for your 'appeal' as a partner. It doesn't even have to be out of the house if that's easier, there are plenty of hobbies you can do at home, but just trying something new gives you things to talk about.

It seems a bit insurmountable

One step at a time. It only feels this way, but it really isn't. I was nearly 40, fat and frumpy, fed-up and my self-esteem was on the floor. Luckily the stress of separation helped me lose a couple of stone - the self-esteem wasn't so easy to fix. However, starting some new hobbies, getting out there on dates and valuing myself has led me to meet someone absolutely wonderful who thinks I'm pretty awesome! After years of feeling like a failure as a wife, not really fancying sex and just existing as a housekeeper/mum, I'm now having an amazing time, my DP is really involved with my lovely DCs, is a generous and attentive partner and my ex's prediction that nobody else would ever want me could not be more wrong!

Not gloating, just trying to give you hope that it's not all over, it's just beginning. flowers

Sorry that was loooong!

Robotgirl Sun 13-Sep-15 19:24:13

Hey Bullet
How do you know this guy at work isn't attracted to you? He might be just as terrified as you about this dating lark.
What's brilliant is that you have identified those feelings of attraction and are thinking about getting back on the dating train, which is great. It's difficult when your self esteem's taken a battering isn't it?
Why don't you ask him if he wants to get a coffee one lunchtime?
What's the worst that can happen?
You sound great by the way. wink

Bullettoothtony Mon 14-Sep-15 19:29:57

That's for all the replies. That is such a lovely story dowser, congratulations. Hope your wedding is lovely.

Did you meet up with your man at the weekend lady?

robot I'm not sure he doesn't like me; or at least might consider it a possibility. I'm just too scared to ask him directly as we have to work together and I'll feel a fool. But if this feeling doesn't ease up a bit, I will have to. It is very distracting!

Ladylouanne Mon 14-Sep-15 20:44:31

Yes, I did Bullet. We had a lovely day (at least I certainly did!), went for a walk and then for something to eat. It all still felt like friends stuff - peck on the cheek at the start and end of the day - but we talked and laughed the whole time. He did drive over an hour to come to mine, so who knows.

The problem is, I'm so bloody impatient. After all this time, I can't bear the messing about and not knowing. I just wanted to scream 'oh FGS, just kiss me!!!!' But on the other hand, felt like I wanted to faint with nerves at the very prospect.

Dowser - yours is a lovely story, the way your relationship sounds perfect.

Bullet, maybe the way forward is just to enjoy the distraction when you see your chap at work. After all, it must be quite nice to have something to look forward to going into work for! Just enjoy the feeling while waiting to see if anything develops.

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