Boyfriend DOSENT want babies!

[Misszh]

Hey everyone so I had that special conversation with the boyfriend today and dropped the B Bomb on him...I want babies!! We have been together for some time now.. There's a 20 year age gap and he has 3 kids already.. YES I like the older man... When we first got together it was agreed he knew I'd want them at some stage and said we would wait a few years...well that time is up... And Nope.. His mind is set.. He DOSENT want anymore!
I don't know what to do ladies.. I want a child so badly it's killing me inside, would it make me selfish to leave him over it? Do I stick around for him to change his mind?

[ToGoBoldly]

If you have a partner 20 years your senior who already has 3 and doesn't want any more, he is not going to change his mind. If you want children you need to move on and find someone else. It's not selfish, you just want different things.

[HirplesWithHaggis]

Leave him. He won't change his mind, he's done the baby/toddler/school age dc (maybe even through to adulthood?) thing three times already, he knows the reality and the day to day grind of it all, and he doesn't want to do it again.

I can't say I blame him, tbh!

But you want babies, so you need to leave him, grieve for what might have been, and find someone who does want babies.

I'm hoping you're in your 20's and he in his 40's, so you still have time?

[BastardGoDarkly]

I can't see him changing his mind either, and your feelings wont go away, I don't think there's any solution except splitting unfortunately

[2Retts]

Sorry Misszh, agree with the others, I think he is unlikely to change his mind.

It certainly does not make you selfish if you leave him over this. It is a huge deal and he acknowledged that you would probably want children at some point, he simply chose not to raise it again and only let you know his true feelings when you brought it up again.

Of course he may have hoped you would not develop a strong desire to have children (some women don't), or he may only have made a firm decision when you told him you didn;t want to wait any longer.

At least you know now and can make an informed choice.

[goddessofsmallthings]

How long is 'some time' and are you living together? Presumably he'll be doubling up on condoms and booking himself a vasectomy to make sure he doesn't father any more dc?

In any event, you're best advised to end this relationship and find a loving and caring guy who wants to marry and make babies with you.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"When we first got together it was agreed he knew I'd want them at some stage and said we would wait a few years"
He wasted your time, he knew from the start that he didn't want any more children. Pretty selfish of him.

" Do I stick around for him to change his mind?"
He won't change his mind. If you stick around, you will remain childless .

[Misszh]

He told me when we met he wants one more.. Which I accepted one is good enough for me.. But when I brought it up again he said he don't and has already had a vasectomy!! So don't know whether to believe him or he's trying to get out of it? I love this man to pieces.. And breaks my heart to think of my life without him...

[Shutthatdoor]

He wasted your time, he knew from the start that he didn't want any more children. Pretty selfish of him.

Not necessarily. He is allowed to have changed his mind.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

He told me when we met he wants one more.. Which I accepted one is good enough for me.. But when I brought it up again he said he don't and has already had a vasectomy!! So, he lied then or he had a secret vasectomy or he's lying now? Umm, not sure I would want a relationship based on that.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"has already had a vasectomy"
Did he have that before you got together, or since? Before, he's been lying to you from the start. After, he chose not to tell you knowing it would end the relationship. Either way, shitty behaviour.

[HirplesWithHaggis]

He may have thought he'd like one more when he met you, in an abstract sort of a way. Faced with the reality, he realised he doesn't.

But the vasectomy story doesn't fit with that (although they can be reversed, a friend has 3 dc with an older man who had a reversal for her.) When did he have it done?

I'm really sorry, but if you want dc - and you do - you need to leave this man and look elsewhere.

[Misszh]

He said he had one after he split with his ex wife.. But don't know if he's lying to me about having it done because he don't want children or he has had it done.. I feel that he's promised me the world and now taken it away, am I stupid for being with him?

[Shutthatdoor]

When did he have the vasectomy?

Maybe he did think he wanted children. Vasectomys can be reversed. I have a beautiful niece and nephew proving this. If he had the vasectomy when he met you, maybe that was his thinking that he would get it reversed?

I think your DP is getting a bit of an unfair bashing here.

The reality is he doesn't want anymore children, which is just as much his progitve as it is yours to want them. You have to decide if you can live with his decision or if you leave.

[ToGoBoldly]

If you are struggling with trusting his word it isn't the most solid ground to conceive a baby on anyway. If he has promised you the world and taken it away, he is not a suitable person to bave a child with. If he said he wanted a child before and has now changed his mind, that's his prerogative, and he is still not a suitable person to have a child with.

Whatever his faults may have been in the run up, at least he has told you he doesn't want another baby before you actually started trying for one. Your not stupid for getting to this point, but you would be stupif to continue with this man if you want to have a child, when he clearly doesn't.

[HirplesWithHaggis]

So he had it before he met you? I'll be generous (because you love him) and say he may have thought about a reversal, but tbh it's not looking good for him...

You're not stupid for being with him. But you'd be daft to stay with him now.

I'm really, really sorry this has happened to you.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"don't know if he's lying to me about having it done because he don't want children or he has had it done"
Whichever it is, the end is the same - he is telling you that he doesn't want children. Really really doesn't want them.

What really matters now is what you want. Do you want children with a man who also wants to have children with you, or do you want to be childless with him?

[2Retts]

You're only stupid if you continue with him with a strong desire to have children when he has made his desire not to have children patently obvious...unless you want him more than children despite the fact he has apparently lied to you about his ability to father more children

So sorry Misszh, you seriously need to reevaluate your situation with this man.

[Misszh]

Breaking my heart knowing the best thing that ever happend to me... Can't give me the thing I want the most, I've been through so much heartache I probley wouldent want to find anybody else after him... Sounds silly atm to look into doing this on my own without a partner... Ai?

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Jesus fucking Christ you poor thing. He is quite a prick isn't he

I think it is easier to find a (nother) partner than it is to give up the dream of a baby.

IMO there are lots of people you could quite happily spend your life with, but only very few babies of your own you could ever have.

Good luck OP.

[HirplesWithHaggis]

How old are you, Misszh?

[Misszh]

22

[Misszh]

I'm not saying I want children now.. But I'm going to want them at some point x

[ToGoBoldly]

If you are 22 and he is 42...move on.

I say this as someone who met a manipulative 42 year old when I was 22, and wasted most of my 20s on this total loser and am still trying to untangle myself from the mess 9 years later. 22 is very very young, the ocean is big.