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Please give me some help with accepting being alone and learning to be happy by myself

(13 Posts)
Pinksparkles383 Wed 09-Sep-15 20:40:21

Can anyone give me any advice / strategies for coming to terms with a series of marriages / relationships which have not worked out?
I'm in my 40's and seem to be panicked by the prospect of being alone, I mean absolutely panicked, not sleeping and really terrified that no one will ever love me again (who I want to). I've met so many unsuitable men but just seem to go along with it which ends in tears for me.
I've started some counselling sessions and have identified some of the issues but somehow the sessions end up focusing on other issues which aren't really tackling the problem.
Please help me, tell me how you've coped with being alone.
I know I need to be happy with myself to meet someone right but I can't deal with my panic of being alone and that's keeping me in the wrong relationships.

HolgerDanske Wed 09-Sep-15 20:43:47

You do it in tiny steps. Day by day, learning to find joy and strength and resilience within yourself.

You are the strongest rock you will ever have, you just need to learn to access that strength.

You do it by learning to love yourself, so you don't need to look for that love from someone else.

But it takes time and it takes work, and it takes sticking with it through the pain of being alone, so you can get through to the other side.

HolgerDanske Wed 09-Sep-15 20:45:22

Oh, and flowers for you.

Be kind to yourself.

Think back to the things you used to love to do as a child, the things that really made you happy. Find a way to do those things now.

Iwasworried Wed 09-Sep-15 20:45:35

Read some of the threads on here about what godawful wankers men can be and thank your lucky stars you're not one of the poor women who are getting treated like shit.
Works for me anyway.

Coolforthesummer Wed 09-Sep-15 20:53:47

I always went from one relationship to the next without a break and could never be alone. I have been on my own through circumstance not choice for a year now, and you get used to it. I can also see a bit more clearly and I think having some headspace is good for you.

It is not as scary as you think op. You will need time to adjust and if you get panicky it helps to keep busy and then you sleep because you are so tired.

I used to hate sleeping in a house on my own, really panicky about burglars and even ghosts (yes stupid) but now I don't bat an eyelid. It was just time that helped really.

Greenfaith Wed 09-Sep-15 21:03:02

Hello, I'm not sure if this helps at all but I felt this way it will be 8 years in December. My husband left me pregnant and went off with a younger women then tried to have a baby with her. He just up and left, then put the house up for sale and I had to move back in with parents until I could afford to do it alone, ( which you can never really do) I felt so low and felt no one would ever love me, and I have found some of these years difficult. I had never been alone before that time and I was so very very lonely having no family really around me. In time you learn that it's ok to be on your own, and you can cope, yes you want love and a cuddle but I would rather be alone then with someone who doesn't truly love me. The right person will come along but don't rush it, step back and get on with your life and the right one will come alone. Maybe try and make a friend, maybe online or not, that you can talk to you might not feel so alone then. When you don't expect it you will meet someone great for you. Stop panicking. : )

LovesPeace Wed 09-Sep-15 21:07:51

I have lived alone for the past three years or so (I've lost track), although I am dating someone now.
I suggest a few things;
1. Get your house exactly how you want it. Think about doing nice things for yourself - for example, I feel the cold so I'm going to buy an electric throw to warm up with.
2. Consider company - a lodger maybe, or a cat or dog (pets really make a house feel lived in).
3. Think what activities you enjoy doing - running, sewing, baking, mountaineering? Then make time in your life to enjoy them - join a club.
4. Build a social network - friends, family, but also clubs, and meet up groups perhaps. There's 'Spice UK' for example - have a Google. Or you could volunteer for a charity (surprisingly good fun).
5. Plan a holiday - plenty of singles holidays (Spice above does them).
6. Date casually - don't move them in with you until they've stood the test of time (I've been dating mine for nearly 3yrs and he wants to move in - too soon!)
Hope this helps.

Pinksparkles383 Wed 09-Sep-15 21:22:59

Thanks for the advice. I really wish I could stop panicking. I'll really try some of these things.
I've probably had a lucky escape from a few wrong guys, if I look at it differently I guess.
It's the loneliness and uncertainty that I find difficult.

Greenfaith Wed 09-Sep-15 21:47:48

You will find someone, you just have to dig through the bargain bucket to find anything worth taking home.

Join a dating site maybe, an innocent flirt, and a chat might take up some time and make you feel better.

OiledBegg Wed 09-Sep-15 22:19:15

Watching with interest as I am now finding myself alone. I'm 29 and was in one serious relationship from age 16-27, then with my now exP from 27 to a few days ago. I've never really been single and it feels so so so odd to not have a 'someone'. Will take on board all the tips above!

Atenco Thu 10-Sep-15 04:30:23

Some really good advice above. Personally what helped me was remembering my ex. Anytime I felt that I was hard done by being alone, I pictured him and thought about my lucky escape.

Pinksparkles383 Thu 10-Sep-15 07:05:36

Your messages really helped me last night. I'm taking it all in.
I've looked back and decided I really wouldn't want to be back with any of me ex's so I can only go forward. I suppose I do want some time alone as this will be the first period of time on my own when my ds hasn't been young so I've actually got time to do things I want in my own time.
We've also got a cat now so that sort of helps.
I'm starting a new job soon so really want to focus on that and not be stressed and upset when I start which is why I really want to get more relaxed.
Last night I wrote a list of all the reasons why I wouldn't want to be with dp in the future and a list of all the things I deserve so feeling better. Just got to keep on like this and get rid of that stomach churning feeling that comes in horrible waves!!!!!
Also got to get rid of the picture of me as an old lady all alone out of my head!!!!

Atenco Thu 10-Sep-15 15:28:17

Glad you are feeling a bit better, OP. I know lots of single elderly ladies who have wonderful social lives, just contrast that with some of the stories that come on mumsnet of elderly women stuck in abusive relationships.

My motto is better alone than in the wrong company.

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