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He changed his mind about living together.

(84 Posts)
Saffy101 Wed 09-Sep-15 14:03:27

We are in our 50's. After a couple of months together he started to talk about me moving in and also to propose. At first I laughed it off as it was way too soon but as the months went by and we are so well suited I began to make plans to move myself, my business and my belongings. We discussed this and the advertising required for my business move, the local radio station came to start the ball rolling with writing the first advert.

After 10 months together I told him that in another 2 months I would be about ready to make the move and didn't get the expected reaction. He told me that I had misunderstood, that wasn't what he had meant. I asked what he had meant as there was little else he could have meant and didn't get an explanation. I asked when he wanted us to live together and was told maybe in another 2 to 3 years.

Another time I mentioned the proposals....there were many over a period of over 6 months, he said he had no recollection.

This is now nearly a year ago and he has - just remembered, says he felt excited about our relationship back then.

My problem. What to do. I feel pretty much as I did about him, I do still love him BUT I do not feel the same about the relationship. What do we have? I am really unsure. We stay with one another once or twice a week. We row often since the "rejection" which is how I feel about it, possibly because I think I am a more prickly person to be with since then and don't feel as if I am important to him. I certainly don't come first in his world.

He has a teenage daughter who stays with him every so often and older children. The teenager comes first whatever our plans, they are dropped in her favour, she is 16. I am asked to join activities and if I find I can go, the day will suddenly change to one I cannot make - no apology and I am in the wrong if I complain.

If I ask what he wants the reply is...I want to "end up with you."

I feel as if he has exactly what he wants, no less and no more, I have been manouvered into this and it isn't what I wanted. He says if I'm not happy I should finish with him.

The annoying thing is - I didn't ask to move in together in the first place it was his idea, it is the change of mind that really matters, plus the lack of explanation.

He was married for over 15 years, his last girlfriend moved in and they lived together for a few years.

TenForward82 Wed 09-Sep-15 14:05:24

Sounds like a tosser, IMO.


eddielizzard Wed 09-Sep-15 14:08:31

doesn't sound great does it?

Jan45 Wed 09-Sep-15 14:09:03

End up with you - how romantic, so what happens in the meantime, is he still window shopping?
The fact he got you excited about living together and now has pulled the plug is a massive red flag, see him by all means but be aware he's really someone you can trust right now.

Jan45 Wed 09-Sep-15 14:09:28

can't not can!

LeonC Wed 09-Sep-15 14:13:13

Yes agree with Ten. He does sound a bit of a tossed.
I suggest you back off a bit (or a lot) and see how he behaves towards you. Let him pick up the reins and then have a think about where your relationship is heading.
He sounds a bit of a user.

BathtimeFunkster Wed 09-Sep-15 14:16:57

He's right - you're not happy, so finish with him.

He's one of those knobheads who loves deep and meaningful seven there isn't enough history for them to be deep or meaningful.

He's treating you like shit and letting you down.

Dump, move on, and never again agree to move your business for the sake of some bloke you've recently met.

Lweji Wed 09-Sep-15 14:23:00

Carrot dangling comes to mind.

Unless you were happy with the way things are, I'd break it off. His behaviour is not on and either he has a degenerative disease or it sounds like gaslighting (making the proposals and now denying them).

goddessofsmallthings Wed 09-Sep-15 15:19:44

He says if I'm not happy I should finish with him

As you are clearly not happy - and who would be with a man who blew hot and turned cold when you took him at his word? - I suggest you act on his advice.

This may result in more lavish promises from him in which case, if you so desire, you can negotiate a continuance of the relationship on your terms which will be those of a FWB arrangement that leaves you free to date other men as, regardless of what he may say, there is no way this one will commit himself to you in any meaningful manner such as marriage or living together either now or at some distant date in the future.

If you end it and he doesn't come running, you will know exactly where you stand and should give consideration to placing a cosmic order for a man who wholeheartedly returns your affections before putting yourself 'out there' again.

Fwiw it's entirely fitting that his dc come first but, in deliberately excluding you from events/activities he shares with them, he's making it plain that your relationship is not only secondary to their needs but also that it's second rate.

Furthermore, if you were to extract a firm commitment from him and/or moved in with him at this point in time, your relationship won't be worth having as any minor disagreement will result in him claiming that you forced or coerced him into it.

The fact that you've allowed this unsatisfactory situation to drag on for a year since his about face has inevitably eroded your self-respect and self-esteem. Salvage as much as you can from the ashes of this ill-fated union by determining that you are not a woman to be trifled with and that you have the strength of mind to end relationships which don't come up to scratch.

niceupthedance Wed 09-Sep-15 15:43:23

"he was excited about the relationship back then"? Charming.

I would actually tell him to piss off.

Saffy101 Wed 09-Sep-15 16:25:54

Thank you all SO MUCH for taking the time to think about this and answer me.

I have been giving consideration for a good while to making myself much less available and this is what I shall likely do - and see what gives. Then to use one of his more romantic phrases....time will tell.... Sadly I expect I will end up finishing it in a few weeks but I will give him time to understand that I am not going to be messed with.

Fortunately I have a good business, a nice home and some very good friends, so I am not short of the trappings needed to enjoy life, however it is always nice to have "a partner."

At the moment I would no longer want to live with him and couldn't envisage moving in, this is I suspect a symptom of having my roots shaken, I need a rock in my life and not shifting sands.

UrbaneFox Wed 09-Sep-15 16:34:51

sorry, it sounds like he was mad about you when you were new and now he's relegated you to a back burner plan. ''in a few years''. He wants to "end up with you".

Carrot dangling.

ImperialBlether Wed 09-Sep-15 16:39:33

He's messing you around. You're clearly a successful business woman - would you tolerate this in a business partner?

You can do so much better than this guy.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 09-Sep-15 16:44:44

While it may be nice to have "a partner", you haven't got one.

At best you've got a part-time lover and at worst you've got the humiliation of knowing that you fell for the promises of a man who had no intention of making good on them.

Get smart and get rid. There are far too many intelligent and capable women such as yourself in thrall to substandard relationships because they don't feel complete without 'a partner'.

Please don't become subject to the pity/derision of those who can see that you've sold yourself short out of desperation to have 'a man' in your life.

BerylStreep Wed 09-Sep-15 16:51:55

This guy has told you loud and clear where you are on his list of priorities. At the very bottom.

Where is your dignity and self esteem?

Personally I would have left him after his change of mind a year ago.

Please, you can do better than this.

brianbennettfan Wed 09-Sep-15 17:30:43

You certainly can do better than this. Out there somewhere there is more than likely a smashing guy who would love to have a committed relationship with someone like you - someone who will offer you so much more than the wishy-washy crap that this fool is offering you. I wasted 10 years on a twat like this. Do yourself a favour and sack him off.

Saffy101 Wed 23-Sep-15 19:23:02

UPDATE - Well its been a couple of weeks.

I have realised how controlling and manipulating he is.

The weekend before last he was having a meeting at his place, we agreed that I would go for a walk whilst it happened but then just before the meeting he changed his mind. I HAD to go to his choice. I didn't want to and there was a row, so I went, he took me in his car. Just like last year, same meeting, same people!!! This time he was touchy after when he fetched me AND he had had a shower?! I can only think of one reason for a need for a shower all of a sudden! Don't know if he had a shower last year but he was certainly touchy.

SO - I'm not one to do things in haste, I've given this and other things that have happened thought and last night I told him I didn't feel the same about him as I used to, I used to love him very much and now I don't, I am not the right woman for him and I hope he finds the right one, good luck for the future and goodbye.

Thank you all for the input.


tribpot Wed 23-Sep-15 19:26:08

God it all sounds exhausting and crap. I hope you are soon feeling like a weight has been lifted from you.

Stillunexpected Wed 23-Sep-15 19:28:03

Well done, it sounds like the right decision. There is a better person out there for you.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 23-Sep-15 19:33:01

Well you took control and made the decision not to put up his crap. Well done.
Has he responded yet?

Nonnainglese Wed 23-Sep-15 19:34:29

Good on you!

Doesn't sound like much of a loss to me, especially if he told you you 'should finish with him'!

You're worth far more than that.

cozietoesie Wed 23-Sep-15 19:36:25

Well done.

eddielizzard Wed 23-Sep-15 19:41:10

wow. well done. i think you're well rid.

Saffy101 Wed 23-Sep-15 19:58:31

He did ask why I was doing this...I didn't bother to answer the question, there have been SO many rows, usually he does something that I really don't expect and don't like and I ask why and he gets angry, says it is my fault we row. I didn't want another row, I just wanted out and finished the call asap. I did try to finish it a few days ago but he did the crying thing and I caved. So this time I rang up, something I wouldn't usually do and did it quickly on the phone. But he is so manipulating it was the only way. I have recently learned a little about his past loves and think they had a hard time finishing it as well. Hopefully I won't waver, I don't think so as I am much less attached than I was a few months ago.

Nonnainglese Wed 23-Sep-15 20:01:13

If he can't see why then he's really got a problem.

Here's to a happier future for you x

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