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Giving DM set day for visits.

(15 Posts)
Nottalotta Wed 09-Sep-15 07:55:10

DS is 7wks old and my first child. Bit of background. My sister is a single mum to two children close in age. Mum has been involved a LOT. Sister living withbthem on and off, mum doing childcare (sis doesn't work) bailing out financially, see each other daily. Mum at both births.

I am married, work full time and much less involved, always have been. Mum moaned to sister that she wasn't 'involved' in my pregnancy (??!) and was worried about being 'left out' once baby was born.

DM likes everything to revolve around her and the family home. She is unbelievably disorganized. Several times in her visits to me and DS she has left the kitchen in a real mess having brought lunch for me - to help. She is late, says she'l be here at a certain time then text with a massive reason for running late such as internet company coming round, had to go to Drs, phonecall for an hour from someone etcetc.

So, after a few weeks and her getting the hump when i said 'don't worry about coming today then' or if she phoned and wanted to come that day and i was already busy (different. Visitor or appointment somewhere) I suggested a set day. Then we both know what to expect and can plan other stuff accordingly. Saves any disappointment for her and annoyance for me.

Except week 2 of this and she's made other plans for 'our' day. I have a busy week but have kept that day free. And she has made snarky comments to another family member about booking a time slot and being given a day. MIL has not been given a day as she works varied shifts and is capable of organising a visit and not being annoyed if i say no.

Just wondering if giving mother a set day was the wrong thing to do? DHthinks so.

bonzo77 Wed 09-Sep-15 08:06:06

I think that whatever arrange bet you attempt to make with her she'll play some kind of game that leaves you let down and feeling emotionally blackmailed. So stick to what works for you (nothing will work for her) and if she really wants to spend time with you then she'll have to toe the line. Or miss out if she doesn't.

diddl Wed 09-Sep-15 08:13:51

What's easiest for you?

Does she want you to be upset & begging to rearrange asap then?

She's essentially making it revolve around her by cancelling & "calling the tune", isn't she?

I used to have a set day for my parents as mum worked & I had a couple of commitments, so it was essentially to fit around that.

I'd be tempted tp leave for a few weeks tbh.

DoreenLethal Wed 09-Sep-15 08:33:38

Please don't fall into the trap of cancelling the set day to facilitate her - she will just run rings around you.

I wouldn't have called it a Set Day but I'd have said 'I am free on Wednesdays at the moment so if you want to come over that's fine' and if she cancels/doesn't show by the arranged time plus 30 mins - then make plans/go out so that you are not just sat there waiting...

diddl Wed 09-Sep-15 08:39:21

Just looked at OP again.

Is she "rebelling" because MIL doesn't also have a set day?

Why does your husband think it's not OK?

If you want to see her every week, it's often the easiest thing to do.

HSMMaCM Wed 09-Sep-15 08:48:49

My mum used to come over the same day each week. If one of us couldn't make it, we cancelled. Simple. It's just not what she's used to.

Nottalotta Wed 09-Sep-15 08:49:52

She doesn't know about MIL. She had arranged something for today so text to say she can come tomorrow instead. I have two health appointments tomorrow and am keeping Friday free for me and the baby (having been overwhelmed with the constant visiting)

I am not bothered about her not coming. Its her reaction that is a bit annoying (bloody infuriated). I just wish shed take responsibility for it 'sorry i can't come today , I've made other plans. Is there another day that you're free? No? Ok will see you next week then!'

Instead its ' oh i can't come, i forgot, i'm doing this and i forgot, i'll come tomorrow. Oh, you're busy? Oh. :-( oh ok then. :-( :-( :-( (poor me etc)'

DH thinks she should be able to make reasonable arrangements and keep to them without having to have it done for her.....

fastdaytears Wed 09-Sep-15 08:53:57

She's trying to play some stupid games about this but you're doing brilliantly. Of course it's not unreasonable to have a set day and if you want to keep Friday free for some down time then do it.
flowers congratulations on the baby

diddl Wed 09-Sep-15 08:57:01

Perhaps enough times of being put off until the next week & she will get the message!

fastdaytears Wed 09-Sep-15 09:04:27

Do these sorts of mums get the message ever?

OP you're not your sister and while that sounds like quite a good thing to most of us, your DM would rather you were totally reliant on her so this is uncomfortable for her. Just keep on as you are.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Wed 09-Sep-15 09:09:01

My mum always comes to see DD's (nearly 2 and 8 weeks) on a weds afternoon as it's when we're both free. Suits everyone, we all know what's happening and no need for complicated arrangements and to-ing and fro-ing. A 'set say' sounds sensible to me.

Nottalotta Wed 09-Sep-15 09:10:50

Thanks all.

Spot on fastday I get in well with my sister but we are so different. Ironically, mother is always boasting to other people about me (how independent, self sufficient, head on shoulders, doesn't need 'rescuing' like sis etc)e, but doesn't like the reality.

diddl Wed 09-Sep-15 09:13:35

"Do these sorts of mums get the message ever?"

Maybe not as it sounds as if she has already missed some chances to visit due to being disorganised!

It makes me so sad & so angry when GMs have the chance to regularly see GC & don't seem to attach importance to it.

fastdaytears Wed 09-Sep-15 09:16:53

Notta at least you can see what's going on! I'm sure your sister is lovely btw sorry if I sounded disparaging!

Nottalotta Wed 09-Sep-15 10:10:27

She as indeed missed chances to visit.

Re my sister, yes she is lovely but I am not blind to how she is, she is heavy reliant on my parents, she's in her 40's btw. Hasn't worked properly since her mid 20's (long before DC and no health issues)

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