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I'm so stupid - of course there was another woman. I'm losing the plot

(160 Posts)
WavingNotDrowning Mon 07-Sep-15 07:12:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 07-Sep-15 07:14:15

Have you got legal advice regarding the house and finances? You must do that urgently.
You will be ok flowers

Cabrinha Mon 07-Sep-15 07:17:24

Why on earth are you left with the debts?

Why is it not in the kids interest for you to insist he has longer access?

flowers for your discovery, that must hurt so much sad

Aussiemum78 Mon 07-Sep-15 07:20:43

He gets to leave you, but he can't leave his debts, children and responsibilities.

You need to use the anger you have to get fair treatment financially, with custody and child support. Get legal advice and don't back down.

He should be doing more than seeing the kids weekly. Even if they live with you, you both work full time so he should do his share of taxi driving to sports, appointments etc.

He is acting like a fool. If it makes you feel better, people will have noticed and think he's an idiot even if they don't tell you that.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 07-Sep-15 07:23:23

Ah Waving - so sorry to hear that.

Got to ask though, why have you absorbed all the debts? Are they in your name, or joint names?

He is doing the classic ML crisis shit, pretending that his life before was all a mistake/dream/not his responsibility - so tedious and predictable.

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through with this and wish I had some better practical advice - but think your best bet is to hit him as hard as you can, legally, with the divorce. sad

ptumbi Mon 07-Sep-15 07:23:49

He's said he can't afford to give me the money anymore and I have to sell up. - you know it's not actually up to him, don't you? He can't just say 'I can't afford it' and walk away?

Get legal advice for this. You may be abke to get Spousal maintenance as well as 6 x child maintenance.

You can only be mid-40s too - you are definitely NOT past it! It's early days yet and things are still raw, so stop beating yourself up!

But you are right - he is a sad, middle aged cliche. And everyone will be able to see that too.

Penfold007 Mon 07-Sep-15 07:27:49

What a horrible man, time to get angry and sort things out formally. Contact CSM today and start a claim. Formalize access arrangements, you need a break and he needs to parent his children.

Thebirdsneedseeds Mon 07-Sep-15 07:36:02

Op I'm so sorry, you'll get good advice here and the support you need and deserve.

From me - the man is a complete cockwomble. You are not washed up. You are a strong woman and one day someone will see it. You know what, ultimately your 6 children will see him for what he is and they'll admire you for your working ft etc.

flowers and an ear to listen

WavingNotDrowning Mon 07-Sep-15 07:40:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rozalia Mon 07-Sep-15 07:52:07

Waving so sorry to hear this. You must be so exhausted and stressed. At least your children have one parent putting them first. As you might know, you'll get the best of advice and support in MN, 24/7. First thing, get good legal advice. He doesn't get to make all the decisions. Maybe he knows that, just hopes you don't. He is bullying you and you need to stop him.

Do you have RL support? Someone to talk to? Please don't let him grind you down, get legal advice and support and know there is always someone on MN to listen. thanks

Penfold007 Mon 07-Sep-15 07:56:35

Waving if he can afford New clothes, yoga and the theatre he can afford to support his children. Make sure access is away from your home or get someone to supervise. Stop letting him abuse you.

coveredinsnot Mon 07-Sep-15 08:00:00

Wow I'm shocked at what an absolute shit he is! You must be thoroughly exhausted. Do you have supportive family? Friends? Are you going to seek legal advice? Can you take some time off work with stress to get this sorted out? Your kids sound young as well. I don't know how you're managing.

MrSlant Mon 07-Sep-15 08:01:52

Find your ROAR Waving, all those debts are part of the family pot if you are married. They go into one pile with any assets (house/cars) and debts (mortgage) and then the total left is split between you. Make sure you have a fantastic solicitor and when you have both done your full financial disclosure make sure to get his properly checked. If he is shagging someone else and you are still married you divorce him ASAP for being unfaithful. He is a dickhead and will look like a fool, I am betting you are a beautiful, strong woman who will come out of this an amazing person.

<piles and gum disease> <sniggers> Bet the 30 something loves that aspect of her older man grin

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 07-Sep-15 08:54:40

waving - you need a shit hot solicitor on your side. I can think of a couple of lovely ladies on here who've had such a solicitor, maybe they'll be able to point you in the general direction of theirs, if they're local enough to you.

Hopefully they'll find this thread by themselves but if not, I can direct them here. smile

He really is a cliché, isn't he. Shit that he's treating your DC so badly though sad angry]

Pixiemixie Mon 07-Sep-15 09:46:15

Get a solicitor. The 34 year old, it will not seem so luvvy duvvy when reality hits both of them and six children are visiting for overnight (if he introduces them to her). You are still young, and will be brave, and if he doesn't wake up to his responsibilities (both financially and to you and the children) then the divorce judge/ solicitor will soon wake him up to it! flowers

Inexperiencedchick Mon 07-Sep-15 10:22:42

I don't understand this 34 yo. Why can't she find someone younger?!

You are really better off without him.

Stay strong, x

LurkingHusband Mon 07-Sep-15 10:54:20

I don't understand this 34 yo. Why can't she find someone younger?!

She will.

WavingNotDrowning Mon 07-Sep-15 11:10:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WavingNotDrowning Mon 07-Sep-15 11:11:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha Mon 07-Sep-15 11:14:56

Don't name her in the divorce petition - it will slow things down, the papers will have to be served on her.
You can still divorce for adultery without naming - I did, because the names I had for XH's women were things like "Sexy Huni" and "Cream Pie Slut" hmm
As long as he doesn't contest the adultery, you don't need to name her.
I might play hardball and threaten to if he doesn't admit it though. Get your solicitor's advice.

And remember there's just no point in focusing on her. She may be an immoral bitch, but just as likely she's been fed a pack of self serving lies by him. It's pointless making her the focus of any anger.

Cabrinha Mon 07-Sep-15 11:16:19

Ooooooh, I know it's not right for your son (hope he's calmed down today!) but god that made me chuckle, the thought of all 6 pitching up and telling him they want to live with him!

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 07-Sep-15 11:17:01

Oh I'd let him try, Waving - guarantee that it would last less than a week. sad

WavingNotDrowning Mon 07-Sep-15 11:21:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jonicomelately Mon 07-Sep-15 11:22:28

You poor thing wavingnotdrowning

Tbh though, I feel sorrier for the OW than you. You will get over this but she'll be saddled with a 45 year old haemorrhoid and gingivitis suffering, inappropriate clothe wearing fatty grin

Hope you dc are ok though. It must be tough for them.

Cabrinha Mon 07-Sep-15 11:24:20

Focus on the too tight jeans.
I still an cheered up by the sight of my cheating XH dropping our child off wearing double denim or RL polo shirts with the giant oversized horse on.
He just looks like a wanker.

One day, you really will be happier without him. It's the hard part now though. Good luck x

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