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Cheating, debts & a toddler. What have I done?

(5 Posts)
KatsMother28 Mon 07-Sep-15 03:07:06

What a f*ckin mess. I have been with my husband for 16 years and for at least 14 of those been unhappy for various reasons. We lived with his mother for the first 8 years and have had debt problems from the word go. He has anger management and finance control issues along with continuous cycles of depression.

There's always been a reason (excuse) for me not to leave, either things looked as though they may one day get better or simply that deep down underneath all the crap I still loved him.

We got married 6 years ago (which at the time I knew was a mistake but couldn't see a way out & felt it was 'expected' of me) and had a daughter 4 years ago who is the only real bright spot in the whole relationship.

Things have been getting steadily worse over the last couple of years with us sinking further & further into debt but things came to a head a few months ago when I found he'd spent almost £4k on one credit card in the space of a year (£800 in the last month alone).

This has forced my hand and we are now in the process of setting up a DMP which should see us debt free in 5 years with just a mortgage and secured loan to pay for. So far so sorted.

Now comes the messy part. This weekend I slept with someone else. I am not proud of it, over the 16 years I have had many opportunities to cheat and never have. But for some reason this weekend something snapped and I crossed the line. It's made me realise how unhappy I am in this relationship and how desperate I am to get out.

What's worse is that my husband is currently signed off (unpaid) for 2 weeks so far through depression and so this is at the worst possible time.

I spoke to him last night & confessed all including how I no longer love him or desire him and haven't for months. I have been putting on a brave face but despite saying to him several times I am not happy, to him this is out of the blue.

Until recently we were even discussing having a second child, but on my part this was because I wanted my daughter to have a sibling not because I thought it would fix things for us.

My husband is now in bits at home, my daughter is with his mum at her house and I'm in my friends spare bed, hating myself for being so selfish and for not doing the decent thing years ago when we weren't so far entangled.

I should mention that the £29,000 debt is mostly in his name with just 2 overdrafts (caused by bailing him out) a credit card (<£1300) and a joint 'consolidation' loan of £4500 in mine or joint names.

Any advice, please?

Cabrinha Mon 07-Sep-15 07:14:08

Well, firstly, at least you've done the hardest part and you're out. Do not go back.

I would say, don't progress the DMP any further. I don't know how that works in terms of joint responsibility - but you don't want to end up transferring debt in his name into yours.

Speak to one of the debt charities like CAP and find out what they advise during divorce.

Then you must see a solicitor so that you understand your financial options. For example, this is a man who is controlling with money and bad with money - so I'd try to get as much equity as possible, knowing that child support could be sporadic. Do you have any equity in your house?

Get your daughter back ASAP. Is it safe for you to be in the family home? You mention anger management issues?

When you divorce, even though the debt in his name stays in his name, it will all be considered joint debt for the purposes of dividing assets.

I would have a think about what is fair. If the debt is truly "his" - a credit card full of tat that you didn't want, I'd get the solicitor to try to push more debt to him. If it was something like paying for the wedding they you agreed to, I think you should play fair and take half of it.

But you need to talk to a solicitor about all that.

So - priorities:
1. Don't finalise the DMP
2. Get your daughter back
3. See a solicitor

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 07-Sep-15 07:16:43

What she said ^
Yes you have behaved badly but it is a crisis that has forced an issue that should have been dealt with a long time ago as you admit. Don't go back to him whatever you do and don't agree to be liable for half his debt if you aren't. Legal advice pronto.

spudlike1 Mon 07-Sep-15 07:34:50

You've finally done what deep.down you wanted/ needed to do for years ( leave him) don't be hard on yourself take all the practical advice you can and plan for your and your daughters future. His issues are not yours.

Isetan Mon 07-Sep-15 08:02:59

Unfortunately, cheating appears to be the only thing to force you out of your stupor and stopped you from bringing another child into this mess.

Let your guilt and embarrassment be a catalyst for better decion making. I can not fathom the thought process in brining another child into this and 'giving your child a sibling', is 'supposedly' a noble sounding excuse to cover up selfishness and laziness.

Do as Cabrinha suggests and also seek counselling because it sounds like you need support in making beter decisions.

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