Hey everyone, long term lurker, occasional poster (under a different name). Have had excellent advice in the past from AF and others re relationship with DH. AF called him a bully, which I hadn't picked up myself and I addressed the various issues associated with this - his criticism of me/ kids etc etc. He doesn't criticise me anymore, this time last year I told him I would leave if he ever did it again (having asked him several times not to) and that worked. Simultaneously with personal stuff, DS age 11 was diagnosed adhd/ hfa. We have completed parenting course, altered our behaviour accordingly to accommodate son's behaviour which we now know was anxiety driven and things have improved for DS at school and at home.
This diagnosis and subsequently knowing more about the condition has turned my life upside down. We can see many ASD traits in DH dad and our other son has just started the assessment procedure - in many ways he presents much more typically and I think a diagnosis is just a formality. Although DH refuses to accept it, I can also see a lot of his behaviour could be considered archetypal of asd too. His obsession with routines, his catastrophizing (which comes across as relentless negativity), his seeming inability to get emotionally involved, social anxiety, his perfectionism (hence criticism of me and kids) - really I could go on and on. Either that or it is learnt behaviour from his own father.
For some reason, I now feel like a complete idiot - how could I not have known this all these years. I now know that things will never change or be different - he will never alter his behaviour to take my feelings into consideration - because he can't. He will always hide behind me socially - it's not that he needs to gain confidence or any of the other excuses I made to myself. The kids and I will always fall short of his expectations, even if he doesn't voice them to me anymore. I can see that he has destroyed the confidence of our eldest son, who is probably also HFA and who always needed extra support and love which he never got from DH who just projects disappointment at him.
What now? All I want to do is separate, move away with the kids so they don't have him adding another layer of stress to their lives. Every day when I come in from work I have to spend 30mins or so pouring oil on troubled waters - it seems to be my role in the family, calming everyone so they can be civil to each other, managing and explaining everyone's behaviour. This is never going to change is it, I feel it would be better in the long run if DH lived separately but was still involved in parenting as much as he likes. He is always telling me that having kids ruined his life but has also told me he will never move out. Are they better off with him around, he is very conscientious as a parent, obsessive about their food/ homework/ instrument practise etc but in a controlling way rather than a facilitating way - if that makes sense. For instance, when I supervise homework I often get the bag, check the journals, map out what needs to be done and check in with them from time to time. The adhd makes this level of involvement necessary imo. DH will nag every few mins, do your homework etc etc getting more shrill and annoyed but not doing anything practical to help. Eldest son gets so stressed out by this he hides from DH in his bedroom. Sorry this is so long, I could keep venting. Any advice on what is best for our kids would be greatly appreciated, thanks.
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Relationships
asd diagnosis impacting on relationship
6 replies
marietheresewalter · 05/09/2015 13:06
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