abusive parents and miscarriages, worried about becoming a mum

[lostandworried]

Sorry this is more of a venting type of post while I try and make sense of it all.

So I should probably start with my background. So my parents were pretty awful when I was growing up they favoured my older brother over me quite obviously he could never but a foot wrong. I was branded the bad child who was always in the wrong. Looking back I was a good kid really. I had lovely school reports, I had good grades, I always tried to be polite and I was desperate to please my parents but nothing I ever did was good enough.

My father had an awful temper and if I did the slightest thing he used to beat me till "I had learnt my lesson". He never hit my brother, sometimes he even encouraged him to join in. My mum was emotionally abusive as well if I tried to talk about me she would pretend to be upset. She would also withhold affection is she was disappointed with me and she would tell everyone who would listen what a horrible girl I was.
When I was about 7 my dad started to sexually abuse me. He convinced me it was normal and I believed him. As I got older I realised it wasn't but he told me that if I mentioned it to anyone he would tell them all I was a lair. He was very influential were we lived so I didn't doubt that they would believe him.

When I finished secondary school they let me apply for college then told me that they wouldn't support me and I had to get a job and start paying them rent. I got a job and they charged me half my wage. This meant that I struggled to buy stuff for college and there was no chance for me to move out because I couldn't afford it.

One evening I went out with a friend of mine and she had invited another friend who was visiting her. We really hit it off and started dating. My parents were really happy about this and they got on with my boyfriend well. I didn't tell my boyfriend about my parents at first.

Then one day my dad had finished sexually abusing me and when I tried to leave he got really upset with me and pushed me down the stairs and left me there once he realised I was seriously hurt. Luckily me boyfriend came round found me and got me to hospital.
He tried calling my parents but they didn't answer. In the end I told him everything. He was horrified and he let me move in with him and his young daughter straight away. (His daughter was adopted by him before he met me)

My parents and brother moved abroad, I don't know where but before they left they told everyone they knew including members of boyfriend's family that I was a liar and a horrible person.

So I married my boyfriend and I miscarried just after the wedding. I didn't know I was pregnant and we weren't really ready for a baby so it didn't upset us too much we just got on with it.
A while later we started trying for a baby. I got pregnant after a few months but the Miscarried a few weeks after we found out. We were gutted and I started worrying that this wouldn't happen for us.
Then I got pregnant again we were cautious at first but then we started to hope that it was going to work for us this time. We even told DD that I was going to have a baby. Then I had a late miscarriage and we were devastated and I was convinced it was my fault and we decided to hold off on having a baby.

Then I got pregnant by accident and we were very cautious and we didn't tell anyone untill we absolutely had too. But I am 8 months pregnant now and the baby is healthy. But the pregnancy has been really tough. I had awful morning sickness and as the pregnancy progressed I developed awful back pain and when I stand for a while my feet swell and become really painful. Plus I lost my job 3 months ago.

This means that I am pretty much homebound while he takes DD out during the weekend and DD is in school during the week now and DH is in work.

I am really struggling, all the time I am by myself (like now) I worry about this baby. I worry that I will be an awful mum and that I will mess up my child. I worry that something will go wrong before the baby is born or that I might do something to harm the baby. I worry that I don't deserve a baby and that I will be an awful mum or that this baby will be tainted in someway because it will share my parents blood. I worry that the baby will look like a member of my family and that I won't bond with it.

I haven't told DH because I don't want him to think that I am regretting the baby. He is so excited and I am just filled with all this worry that I will mess this up for us and DH doesn't deserve that.

[pocketsaviour]

Lost so sorry you have had such an awful time both in your childhood and with your pregnancy.

Have you ever spoken to a doctor or counsellor about how things were for you, growing up? I really think this would help you, if you can find the right counsellor for you. (You might have to try a few before you find someone you think you can build trust with.)

I had a late miscarriage and we were devastated and I was convinced it was my fault

I think that you are probably convinced that all manner of things are your fault - because your parents brainwashed you your whole life that you were bad, wicked, the cause of all bad things.

You did not cause your miscarriage. You did not cause the abuse you suffered.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Oh darling, I am so sorry. You don't deserve this at all. All the usual advice, like getting support from friends, seeing a doctor, perhaps a counsellor, and so on, apply....but on top of that, please keep telling yourself this mantra: not my fault, not my fault, not my fault. Because it is NOT. None of it. Of course you feel it is because you've been conditioned to believe you brought bad things on yourself, but it is not true. Abuse is never your fault and a miscarriage is a tragedy that can befall anyone, especially someone as vulnerable as you clearly are.

I had an abusive father, though not as bad as yours, and as I'm pregnant I'm also worried about the same things - being a bad mother, being distressed if he's like my dad, etc. As a result, I'm going to parenting classes and reading a lot of books on the topic, and talking to parents whose opinions I value. It's helping me to feel more prepared, and more confident. Maybe that would help you too?

Look after yourself.

[lostandworried]

I have had counselling in the past.
I just can't seem to shake these worries. I don't really have any friends that I can chat too about this.

[schlong]

You and your baby will be fine and if it's a girl you can start healing the little girl in you. You should try and pursue your heinous fucker of a father legally if you can. He's a criminal.

[lostandworried]

We don't know if the baby is a girl or a boy. To be honest I am worried about either gender.

I don't think they could find him even if I tried to find him now.

[worriedH]

Hi, this thread just caught my eye.

I am so sorry this happened to you. Your husband seems very supportive, could you try and tell him how your feeling?
I know you said he was excited but I am sure that if he knew he would want to support you too.

[lostandworried]

I don't know, I don't want to spoil it for h

[lostandworried]

Sorry posted too soon.

I don't want to spoil it all for him. He is so excited and it feels like I am spoiling this happy time in our lives.

[Fromparistoberlin73]

Oh my darling - your dad was a child Rapist and what he did was the most evil crime .

Frankly I am amazed at how far you have come - you are clearly a very strong person.

It's so natural that becoming a mother will bring it all back and out .

If you can please week therapy - wih your history you deserve it free on the NHS. It's so helpful to air your feelings and have some good impartial support
I am not in the least surprised you feel like this - now is the time to invest in yourself and get some support

I hate your parents for what they did - again your dad is an evil man of the worst type

Sending luck and love your way