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Marriage falling apart and I don't know how to stop it.(9 Posts)
So I'll start with saying that I know my relationship is not that bad. I've been reading this board and AIBU for years so I've seen plenty of stories of women in terrible positions. The problem is my expectations are high and I don't know how to/want to adjust them.
I have been with my DH 10 years, married for 7 of them. In that time we have never had a bad patch, I've never had any doubts. He was the most supportive and loving husband. We argued occasionally but we'd resolve it and move on. We've never had a period of prolonged tension in our relationship.
Since the birth of our second child 8 months ago I've felt him become more distant. He admitted that he has been feeling unhappy and isolated. This was due to several life changes (new baby, new job, new home). He said he wanted to reconnect with his friends and I agreed that was a good idea. I did feel angry with him though as I am the one doing all the nights etc and feeling exhausted, I felt that he was being negative when I really needed him to be positive and keep me going.
In the last few weeks he's been out every weekend. This is really unusual for him as throughout our relationship he's only gone out occasionally. I feel like I'm at home too exhausted to go out so if he has the energy to go out so much he should be doing more at night with the baby. When he goes out he always comes back later than he says which results in me having a disturbed night wondering where he is and him being tired and grumpy the next day. We have argued a lot about this in the last few weeks and he knows that I am feeling that he is not prioritising me or the kids. Me getting upset with him changes nothing though, tonight he went out and said he would be back by 1 as he was going to local pubs. He came back at 3.30 stinking of drink. The kids will be up for the day soon and everything will fall to me again.
For the most part things are ok, he does lots with the kids and we get on well. It's just that our relationship has always been so good that I am struggling to get over my hurt and resentment about how he has changed. Lots of his friends are like this (out every weekend, leaving all the responsibility to the wives) but he never has been and it's not the relationship I wanted.
Someone please help me try to figure out how to adapt before my family falls apart.
That sounds rough. You need to talk to him, as soon as possible, and let him know how you are feeling. He sounds like a good man who is losing his way a bit and would turn things round if he realised what he was doing to you.
I have spoken to him, I've been upset and cried and told him just how alone I feel. That's what hurts so much, it's like when he goes out he forgets about that and just thinks about what he wants. He's never been like this before. I just want my husband back.
have you explained to him how his actions impact on you. Eg - when you come home later than expected I wake up & worry where you are. This results in me being tired all the next day. Please can you text me to let me know you are safe?
Sometimes he does, other times
I think he avoids it because he knows I'll be angry and doesn't want to deal with it. When he's going for a big night out I've asked him to stay at a friends house because then I'll sleep better and not get so angry with him. It's the nights that are supposed to be a quiet pub night when u get most frustrated as I'm expecting him back. It's not helped by me not feeling able to go out or have a late night because I'm so exhausted. When we had our first baby I was back at work by now and the responsibility felt much more equal. Now I feel like the little woman sitting at home, it's not me at all, I've always been the more sociable one of us.
Is this both weekend nights or just one?
I can understand him wanting "time away" but not at the expense of alienating you and ignoring your feelings.
I would feel completely disrespected if this was me and not a priority to him, I would also be questioning whether there was something more to it as well.
What's his behaviour like towards you the rest of the time?
Have you explained that in the name of fairness, you deserve the same amount of downtime as he has. So if he has a night off, you're entitled to one even if you don't actually go out. She if he does Saturday one week, you take it the next week.
Then from there you need the talk of how to look to have fun together as a couple and devote as much energy by to that as he does to having fun with others.
If he can't see that time apart, time for you and time together should be at least equal in time and effort then he's selfish and you can't stop your marriage falling apart because you'd be the only one committed to that and both of you need to change your attitudes to save your marriage.
Our relationship in general is good, until something like this happens then I just feel so hurt and angry with him. I was worried that he seemed quite disconnected but that has improved in the last few weeks. He was quite down but seems more his usual self.
He said he felt that a lack of companionship since I have been going to bed early because of unsettled nights so we have been trying to spend more time together in the evening.
I feel like I've been really clear with him about how the lack consideration makes me feel but he keeps doing it so I'm not sure where that leaves us. Do I just accept that this is how things are now and get on with it? It's not the marriage and family life I wanted but it's not that bad. If I do decide to just accept it then how do u deal with the anger I feel with him for not being there for me like he always has been?
I think he is training you to shut up. You are being trainined to think that this selfish, disrespectful behaviour is 'not that bad' and that you don't deserve more. It is happening already OP. You are considering settling for this, when you know that it is actually pretty awful.
You have been clear with him. You have set out how his behaviour makes you feel and he is continuing to do it. What this tells you is that he has zero respect for you. If he had any, he would be changing his behaviour and might perhaps be slightly horrified at his own attitude in the past few months, and wait for it, might even apologise sincerely for making you feel hurt and alone.
Don't accept it. Don't suppress your anger - I think it is healthy that you still feel it. He is making you responsible for his awful behaviour - telling you that he has felt a lack of companionship! Fuck me, that would be funny if it wasn't such barefaced hypocrisy! Please don't settle for this. If he gives himself permission to treat you like this now, when you are still vulnerable with two young children, it will only get worse and he will make everything your fault.
Before this slides into abuse - and I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt here- you need to set very firm boundaries about what behaviour you find unacceptable. Lack of respect, failure to pull his weight with parenting your young children, going out on the piss and disturbing your valuable sleep and then probably disabling himself with a hangover for the next day is completely unacceptable. You need to make that very clear to him and back it up with an ultimatum about the state of your marriage. If he carries on like this, you won't want to continue in the marriage. I know it sounds extreme, but he is threatening your marriage with this. I sympathise OP, and you totally deserve better.
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