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Finding the dating world so hard !!

(21 Posts)
moonie70 Fri 04-Sep-15 15:08:08

sorry for the moan just needed to vent . why oh why do guys on Tinder show interest , message you , then ask you out then disappear to reappear then tell you there genuine and honest and would love to go out , to then go quiet again but are online on whatsapp and just ignore you !!
If this is what dating in the 21 century is like I don't like it at all , it's a mine field .
You really do need the skin of an elephant to survive you really do .
Has anyone else found the same to be true , just want to know it's not just me argh ��

fairyfeatures Fri 04-Sep-15 15:38:56

Sorry no experience but a little advice...

Don't 21st Century date! GO back to the 20th Century, meet people in real life, make friends, go on dates. It's the only way that you can tell whether a person is genuine or not.

Absolutely baffles me that people would like to be selected by another person for a date based on whether they think your profile picture is good enough or not....

pocketsaviour Fri 04-Sep-15 15:43:08

Tinder is for hook-ups, not dating, IME.

However, it's just part of dating. People often have a pool of possible dates, and if someone higher on their priority list shows interest, they will drop you for a bit, then come back when things don't work out. (Or not come back at all.)

Try not to take it personally, it is a numbers game.

ToGoBoldly Fri 04-Sep-15 15:49:41

No you're not the only one, it's really bleak. You hear of odd success stories but there is a lot of chaff and not a lot of wheat on things like Tinder. They are entertaining for a bit but chances of success are not necessarily high.

I met someone on some dubious dating site (I forget which) and he seems nice enough thus far, so it can work, but it's literally the luck of the draw. There are many people pissing about on Tinder and the like just because they can, so having high expectations will only leave you disappointed. If you're prepared for that fact, OLD can be a bit if fun to pass time and you might get the bonus of meeting someone for a date or more. But if you are trying to use it as a means to an end rather than a diversion, it can be frustrating.

The trouble with 20th century dating is it is not the 20th century anymore, so it is harder to find people willing to do the legwork. They still exist, but there are a lot of people who aren't that fussed about trying to woo someone when they can just swipe away on an app. It's like online shopping, why would you spend a Saturday traipsing around Asda when you can just get a delivery? But if you make an effort to go to the store you may find a rare gem not advertised online...

It's hard. I've only found it fun once I let go of any expectations, which probably isn't very healthy! But as long as you only lower your expectations, not your standards, it should be OK.

niceupthedance Fri 04-Sep-15 15:52:31

My experience of tinder was if you don't make a plan to meet up within say, three days, you won't end up meeting. Bear that in mind when messaging or you'll just end up on the 'maybe' pile.

And actually the couple of people I met from that app were looking for relationships, but I wasn't sufficiently interested in them to continue dating. Good luck.

rouxlebandit Fri 04-Sep-15 15:55:47

"Tinder is for hook-ups, not dating, IME."

Showing my age & ignorance, what's the difference if it's the first meeting & you don't know how you'll get on?

ToGoBoldly Fri 04-Sep-15 15:58:44

Hook-up = casual sex

Dating = old fashioned style courting, seeing where things go, not necessarily looking to meet for immediate sex

The two are quite blurred in my experience

rouxlebandit Fri 04-Sep-15 16:05:45

Thanks TGB. I thought it was something like that. So when you're arranging to meet do you actually use the terms "hookup" & "date"?

rouxlebandit Fri 04-Sep-15 16:10:50

Sorry Moonie, I'm not helping you. This OLD fascinates me & it's a pity it wasn't around when I was young & single.

TheGingerBreadWoman Fri 04-Sep-15 16:11:50

OLD is a bit of a nightmare! you really have to have a thick skin or it will wreck your head!

It is like a meat market, and you are parading yourself around for the men to pick and choose. The men are bigger drama queens than the women (IME) and they prattle on about manners and politeness then never reply to you! lol

Going out and meeting people in RL is the best way to really get a feel for who they are (tho that said I'm sure we;ve all met someone we thought was grand then turned out to be a bit 'not grand'!)

Getting out is not that easy when you have small kids either!

Anyway onward and upward sad

moonie70 Fri 04-Sep-15 16:13:26

Thanks for the good advice , I have heard tinder is a hook up site but thought I'd try it just to see , it's so shallow that your judged on your picture.
I've used Pof before and not really had a problem with it ,as in the times I've been asked out on dates they have wanted to meet me and even progress to a relationship , but Tinder seems to be a whole different ball game .
One guy said would you like to go out this weekend , I said yes ok , he said right I'll let you know later on in the day when I have sat down with my x wife and gone through our diaries about when I have the children , I'm currently minding my children at my x wife's house cosy on the sofa while she is at work , this didn't sit right with me , it was rubbish he was playing me along to see if he could get a better offer and go through our diaries wtf really , just speak on the phone or txt , seemed off , needless to say I won't be bothering oh and he said I'm only 5 ft 4 inches haha , not that it bothered me really but he def wasn't for me .
The whole whatsapp thing makes you feel bad when you can see their online and just choosing not to reply to you , if your not the most confidant of people it does not help with the old self esteem .
I'm not really in the right mindset to date to be honest , I'm a little on the sensitive side at the moment and not long since ended a relationship , I'm just in that feeling lost stage where I miss my x but know it's over for the right reason's as he drained me emotionally , think I need me time to build up my confidence and I need to fill my time doing something constructive not scrolling through a dating site .
I work and have children so it's not like I don't have my hands full I do but I'm just trying to deal with the loss of expectation of another failed relationship at the age of 45 . why do some women meet the love of their life early on and go on to have a happy life and others just go from bad relationship to another , I guess I'm just picking the wrong ones .im to young to give up hope though .

TheGingerBreadWoman Fri 04-Sep-15 16:20:50

Never give up hope!

I'm in exactly the same situation as you...its tough out there

rouxlebandit Fri 04-Sep-15 16:20:58

So sorry to read this Moonie.

ToGoBoldly Fri 04-Sep-15 16:24:59

roux, in my experience it's kind of an unwritten rule, no one actually uses the terms "hook-up" etc when conversing. But it seems an unwritten rule that Tinder is for hookups, Guardian Soulmates is for pretentious twats bohemian thinkers who are still just looking for hookups but it would ruin their carefully cultivated image to admit it, eHarmony is for people who just want to be loved... It's quite fascinating. Frustrating if you are actually looking to date, but an interesting study.

OP I think one reason I went for the guy I am dating at the moment is that he doesn't have a smartphone! No agonising over what's app and no penis photos.

If you get to the stage where it's depressing you, take yourself out of it. Don't blame yourself, meeting people who would make suitable partners is like, whether on or offline. It's not you, so don't be hard on yourself.

pocketsaviour Fri 04-Sep-15 16:26:33

If you're looking for hook-ups, it's more likely to send a one-word message e.g. "Hey", "Hi sexy", "DTF?" (Down To Fuck)

Or you check their profile and it's a pic of them bare-chested, possibly with sunglasses (so probably cheating), and they've just written "Hey pretty ladies" or something.

The ones that actually want to date will have filled out a profile with actual information about them as a person.

If you're not sure, asking about arranging a meet will usually make it clear when they say "Do you want to come to my place" or "Shall we get a hotel".

There are a lot of blokes who want a relationship but will go for casual sex if they think it's available.

pocketsaviour Fri 04-Sep-15 16:28:32

Tinder was originally referred to as "the Straight Man/Woman's Grinder" - Grinder being a hookup site for gay men. So it still has that reputation.

ToGoBoldly Fri 04-Sep-15 16:32:35

Ha I've never had "DTF?"

But yes, pocketsaviour has a point. I only ever reply if someone says something about me, rather than "how's you?". Likewise if I message them first II refer to something about them from their profile

niceupthedance Fri 04-Sep-15 16:33:29

People don't say they're looking to hook up, they say they're looking for 'fun'. Bleurghh. So twee.

ToGoBoldly Fri 04-Sep-15 16:46:18

Niceupthedance I may in the past have put I was looking for "fun" thinking it would be interpreted as walks in the park, video games etc blush not so naïve now! I'd rather someone just said "I'm looking for sex", at least then everyone knows where they stand at might actually get some takers.

It's a minefield. Full of odd codes.

moonie70 Fri 04-Sep-15 16:53:30

Thanks everyone , Im quite new to mumsnet and I have to say I wish I had found it sooner a lot of good advice to be had and mostly always positive and helpful , and it's easier to let of steam on here than in RL thanku again

HelenaDove Fri 04-Sep-15 19:55:11

Agree with fairyfeatures 100%

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