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I don't love my fiance anymore and it's breaking my heart

(32 Posts)
CrossRoadedMoira Fri 04-Sep-15 09:43:03

Been together around 4 years. Always had lots of issues. He tried to cheat on me with hook up sites early in our relationship which was the first nail in the coffin. That destroyed a lot of trust and respect I had for him straight away and that's where, in hindsight it should have ended.

But I gave him another change (well, 2 other chances to be fair - I'm a mug).

From then on it's been a roller coaster of amazing times and outright awful times. Sometimes even the awesome times have been blighted by his awful attitude - like our last major holiday. I was upset about something - he turned it into a huge row and just would not let it drop. In a normal relationship, it wouldn't have got as ridiculous as it did, I know this.

He's controlling, constantly whining at me about housework. When I'm cooking he comes into the kitchen shaking his head and muttering about how I should tidy up as I go along. I feel like I have my dad constantly watching over me.

He feels guilty about his kids (I was NOT the OW) so over compensates by treating his 20 year old like a small child. Running off to pick him up for 'access weekend' every saturday, running upstairs with drinks and snacks for him - all of which I could handle through gritted teeth if it wasn't for the fact that he argues with me CONSTANTLY because of his kids. If he sends his son a message and the kid doesn't reply, he takes it out on me (although not obviously and would never admit it). Anything his kids do wrong, it's my fault. Anything that his kids say, is my fault.

Anyway apart from all that, it's been a bad few weeks. He totally ruined a night out I had with my friend who I'd not seen in ages (and the first night out I'd had in ages) by going mental and drunk ranting at me about something absolutely ridiculous. Made me cry, upset me so much I ran off at 1am to get away from him, ended up in a field in the pitch black lost - I know that was my own stupid doing and I'd had a bit to drink but I've never felt so alone.

A few nights later he ruined another night out (which was our 'date night') by ranting at me over a daft joke I made about the house being haunted. In a normal relationship it would have resulted in a "can you not say about the house being haunted? it bothers me" and I would have listened and stopped. That would have been the end of it. In our relationship it was "for fucks sake, I've had it now with your stupid comments about the house! I'm so sick of your bullshit and it stops NOW. You're a fucking adult and you're taking the piss out of a house, its doing my fucking head in and I want to hear no more on it!" .... followed by lots of head shaking, follow up comments - next day saying the night was going ok until I ruined it by going on about haunted houses ... you get the picture.

Anyway these past few weeks I've been slowly coming around to the idea that I will never be happy with him. Furthermore, I feel myself starting to distance myself from him. Sex is awful now too, I feel almost nothing.

I even inquired about a rented house earlier this week. Its still available and I can't stop thinking about it.

But then there's everything else. My poor kids having to witness yet another of mums long line of fuck ups. My eldest is just about to start college which he's really excited about and my youngest is about to go into GCSE year and he struggles at the best of times.

Also, a bloody wedding is booked!!!

I don't know whether to just knock the whole thing on the head and draw a line under it or lay it on the table for him, tell him I'm not happy and X, Y and Z needs to change for this to work.

Honestly feel like just doing a runner. FWIW, we're actually getting on ok at the moment which is even worse = because now I can't put my negative feelings down to argument.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 04-Sep-15 09:53:11

OMG - people have told you time and time again.
End this.
Do it now!
Call off the wedding.
It's really not rocket science.
He's a cock of the highest order.
Tell him to fuck off and never come back.

I'm not sure what more you want.
Others have told you this but you aren't listening.
We aren't going to tell you to stay and give it a go.

Get him out of your life FOR GOOD!!!

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 04-Sep-15 10:04:12

"But then there's everything else. My poor kids having to witness yet another of mums long line of fuck ups"

Who is more important ultimately; you and your children or this man you've shackled yourself too. You still have a choice re this man, your children do not.

A relationship with great lows from the beginning is a recipe for disaster as has been proven with further reading of your post.

If someone else wrote this what would your counsel be to them?.

What do you think you are teaching your children about relationships here, surely this is not what you want to be teaching them?. They are learning a shedload of damaging lessons from the two of you. Which makes me wonder what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up.

I think you need to ask yourself some difficult questions namely what you get out of this relationship (you have stayed to date, why?) and why you have given him repeated chances at all given his past behaviour.

People call off weddings all the time and you can and should do the same; marrying him will truly be a monumental error on your part. He needs to be gone from your lives as of yesterday really.

PrimalLass Fri 04-Sep-15 10:32:05

Honestly - is this STILL going on? Have I got it wrong or have you been posting about this man being a dick for years?

CalleighDoodle Fri 04-Sep-15 10:35:37

Get the rented place.
Cancel the wedding.
Make your new home an amazing exciting adventure for your children.
Stay strong, get help (not from your children) when you cant.
Dont look back.
Stay single for a while.
Have some counselling.

pocketsaviour Fri 04-Sep-15 10:53:13

Did you post about this earlier this week, OP? The haunted house things rings a bell.

What do you want to get out of this thread, OP? Are you looking for practical advice, hand holding, moral support? Someone to tell you what to do? It sounds like people have given their advice and opinions on your situation many times before. What's different this time?

Scarydinosaurs Fri 04-Sep-15 10:57:43

Yes, you still need to leave him.

QuiteLikely5 Fri 04-Sep-15 11:04:24

Do you like going round in circles? I think you must.

Marat and you will continuously be going round that circle - reaching the same destination time and time again.

Things just aren't going to magically change. They just won't.

You need to wake up and face reality.

By all means see this man still but do it from a distance, get your own place.

Marry him and you will regret it.

Your kids? You should be worried about what they are exposed to right now not worry about getting them away from it. I think once you get out you will get a gentle pat on the arm from your children along with 'thank god mum, we hated him'!

BerylStreep Fri 04-Sep-15 11:05:47

Well allowing your children to witness his verbal abuse to you and getting married to an abusive loser is more of a fuck up than leaving him.

Were you the poster who went on holiday and he screamed and sulked throughout?

How financially dependent are you on him?

goddessofsmallthings Fri 04-Sep-15 11:20:42

When's the wedding?

Much as I'd like to think that you will act on the sound advice given here and spend the next few years making it up to your dc for the past four, that's unlikely to happen.

The haunting is only the ghosts of various of your deceased relatives come to warn you not to tie the knot with him, but you won't be listening to them, will you?

As you'll go ahead with it for some flimsy reason or other - 'it's all booked and the dc will enjoy dressing up and having a party' - I'll save you time posting while you're on honeymoon by telling you that you can't begin proceedings for divorce until a year after the date of the nuptials.

PenguindreamsofDraco Fri 04-Sep-15 11:25:15

This is you again? What are you getting out of posting the same thing, getting the same responses, disappearing, changing name, rinse and repeat?

LovesPeace Fri 04-Sep-15 11:26:23

God, I'm bored ready about this dysfunctional relationship. You're not 'good enough' for him - hence why he was looking for someone else, criticises you constantly etc.

And he certainly isn't good enough for you - get shot of him and move on.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 04-Sep-15 11:35:06

Your last line is all I needed to read, tbh - you feel like doing a runner, then do one. Seriously.
If you feel like this before you're married WHY would you go through with it?!

Sack it off NOW and stop wasting your time.

gamerchick Fri 04-Sep-15 11:40:39

It's time man. You're thinking about the house because it's an opportunity for you to get your kids out of there.

Just do it TODAY before you change your mind again and go back to sleep.

springydaffs Fri 04-Sep-15 21:12:18

You'd break my heart if you stayed with him.

DO a runner already!

category12 Fri 04-Sep-15 23:10:57

Yes, dtmfa. Really same advice as last time.

fastdaytears Fri 04-Sep-15 23:16:43

The haunting is only the ghosts of various of your deceased relatives come to warn you not to tie the knot with him, but you won't be listening to them, will you?

Goddess I might love you a bit.

Honestly OP the advice you've had has always been consistent and nothing in your latest post makes me think we've all misunderstood the poor chap.

He's treating you like shit. Is it better for your DC to see that or to move house. What sort of partners do you want them to be and have when they are older? You are showing them what's normal.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Fri 04-Sep-15 23:20:43

Marrying him would be a worse fuck up for your kids than staying with him

But seriously, the endless threads on the same topic? Advice isn't going to change.

thecolourpink Sat 05-Sep-15 09:47:16

LEAVE HIM for gods sake! He sounds awful. It is much better to be single than miserable in a relationship.

Bakeoffcake Sat 05-Sep-15 09:53:21

Leave him for the sake of your kids. I expect they will be very relieved to not have to live with this abusive, aggressive wanker!

cosytoaster Sat 05-Sep-15 09:56:48

Take the rented house and LTB. Your kids will suffer more if you stay. Then work out how to be happy on your own so your kids don't keep having to witness your fuck ups.

BerylStreep Sat 05-Sep-15 10:34:42

Honestly feel like just doing a runner. FWIW, we're actually getting on ok at the moment which is even worse = because now I can't put my negative feelings down to argument.

You know you don't need to have a deal-breaker argument in order to leave? You can just say it's not working for you anymore and end it. You do know this, don't you?

FeelTheNoise Sat 05-Sep-15 11:07:27

Is there a reason why you and your children must leave the house?

tribpot Sat 05-Sep-15 11:10:54

My poor kids having to witness yet another of mums long line of fuck ups

They're doing that now. Have some self-respect, move into the rented house, and let your ds get on with his GCSE year without all this going on around him.

Rarity08 Sat 05-Sep-15 11:13:25

Get away from this twat, now.

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