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Questioning my Marrige(10 Posts)
I barely know whether to write this or where to start, but I will try as I would really appreciate your thoughts.
I have been married for 4 years and have two children. My husband is not a horrible person but over the course of the last few years I have started to feel very unhappy. Certain situations occur where I don't feel his actions towards me are those of someone who loves and cares for me. This has recently lead to me considering what it would be like without him.
I am unsure whether I am making a mountain out of a molehill but equally I don't want to totally disregard my feelings.
On a regular basis my husband makes disparaging comments about the way I parent our children. It's clear he thinks I am too lax on them, with him it is black or white. I negotiate with them and give them choices. That said, if he has made a decision, even if I think the punishment is too much or the tone too harsh I try and support him so as not to undermine him. Just writing this I feel like a terrible parent, not putting my children first and thinking of their needs. He never hurts them or anything, just can be abrupt and angry over little things. Whilst I am trying to look after our children if I make a choice he doesn't like he will huff or roll his eyes or just make a decision against mine. At these moments I feel so desperately alone and unhappy. I feel like even when we don't agree we should support one another and see that the other person is trying their best.
Last year he was diagnosed with depression and I have done my best to support him through this, despite also returning to work and juggling childcare for our children. It feels like a constant thing hanging over us, and is used against me if I am ever in need of support myself. It has been so hard, dealing with paranoia, mood swings, but I have tried to put myself to one side and ensure that he feels everything will be ok.
As the years go on so many things about him annoy me, silly little things that I feel I would overlook if I truly loved him. He has a habbit of talking on and on about things even when people are trying to move a conversation on, he judges other people (especially their parenting), and often just shows no compassion for others. If he says something to upset someone then it's their fault, never his. It sounds terrible but as a child he dint have any friends and in my mind I cant help dwelling on this and thinking that I am not surprised if he showed absolutely no empathy towards people.
And then of course there is the intimate side. As I feel emotionally further and further away from him, I also want to distance myself from him sexually. I find it's really hard to find him attractive when he can spend an entire day being completely unaware of how I feel. He is regularly undermining my choices and talks under his breath about me as if I can't hear. At least I think this is the reason I dont want to be regularly touched and kissed.
As this tricky relationship goes on, I would say about 50% of the comments he says to me a day are in someway sexualised. I have recently been looking for shoes for my new job and literally evey pair I look at he remarks something about me wearing them in bed for him. It makes me feel uncomfortable and even when I tell him this he still persists and makes me feel guilty that I am rejecting him. As if there is something wrong with me. Then I think, if I was truly in love, maybe I would like this kind of advance (on occasion.)
I feel silly writing this, it's a build up of so many little things that I have tried to address with him. It never goes anywhere, it blows over until the next time it happens and I can't tolerate it any longer. I wanted to speak with him about it tonight but I didn't want to ruin an entire evening. It never goes anywhere, nothing ever changes. He is after all, just that person. I think he thinks he loves me, but part of me thinks that this can't be love if you can make someone so unhappy and not be able to see it. Even when I raise it with him.
What can I do to be sure of the future? Am I the one that needs to try harder, am I petty and looking for reasons to leave? there anyway I can make him understand how I feel?
Can I just ask ? How have you/he changed since you got married. Did you have any of these feelings/apprehensions when you were dating or has it changed drastically since having dcs ? Tbh it doesn't sound great..
When we met, he wasn't my normal type but he seemed to truly cherish and care for me, it was lovely to have someone who did this. I do feel it has changed, and I'm annoyed at myself for getting into this position. If those were the only reasons we were together they were quite shaky grounds for a long lasting relationship.
The only marriage to be in is one where your spouse thinks they are lucky to have you. It sounds to me like you don't love him anymore, and I can't say I blame you. He is not cherishing you. He sounds really unpleasant to live with, with the eye rolling and speaking about you under his breath. I'd be questioning this marriage too. Sorry.
It sounds like a total lack of any real bond and intimacy which I think is essential to go forward. You're not attracted to ot in love with your husband. You know what to do.
Have you been able to have a conversation with him about him undermining your at all?
I have tried to talk about how his behaviour makes me feel but he simply thinks that as he did it with good intentions the feelings I have don't matter. He doesn't see it as undermining me.
Are you fundamentally attracted to your husband? Not just physically but as a person you want to spend time with? I think the answer appears to be no. In which no amount of explaining to him how his behaviour makes you feel will fix it. This is in your hands. I've been there. Make the jump.
Hi again pocketsaviour, thank you for commenting on my thread. I read this and thought, this man is prob undiagnosed ASD - the depression clinched it for me. However lately I am guilty of diagnosing everyone so almost considered not posting on here. OP, I can relate to a lot of what you say, my children, my FIL and possibly DH are aspergers. Maybe that might explain some of this behaviour particularly the stuff about not understanding your feelings
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