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Is this just a rebound summer fling ?

(13 Posts)
Throughthestorm Thu 03-Sep-15 11:11:00

Will try and keep brief but just really would like some feedback .
Am expecting some criticism and prob know the answer but hey ho mumsnet a,ways seems fair in response .

Was with ex DH for approx 27 years .
4 dc aged 23 19 13 and 6 .
Unhappy most of marriage and for reasons I won't go into as that's not why I'm writing but I was unable to leave .
It was a toxic relationship.

Thank God he has been gone now 18 months .
I had to take a little time off work to sort myself out and move forward but me and do are all relieved and very much happier nowadays .
My priority is my children now .

I'm March I met a man also separated after 25 yr relationship.
He works away a lot ( UAE ) and is moving there when family home sells .
He has one dc aged 18 who lives with him .

He commuted for years but after his wife had the affair planned on moving to UAE for at least a few years ...

He's never lied to me .
He is the most adorable kind genuine man I have ever met .
Initially we went for long walks and talked and laughed a lot .
Then after 3 months we went away for a weekend and now we've just had a week away together and it was just beautiful .
He's still planning on moving when his house sells and has made no commitment to me .Or has he ??.

On the positive side he has never lied , he didn't expect this ( US ) himself , he said he doesn't want to hurt me and I know him well enough now that if he didn't see a potential relationship he wouldn't still be seeing me because he just has those sort of morals .
We had a conversation in which we agreed to be exclusive and see what happens... In his words if it's meant to be its meant to be .
He's never gone one single day since March without me waking up to a good morning text or call despite how busy he is and the time difference when he's away .
He called me as soon as he landed this week and sometimes it feels like we are a real couple ...yet as far as I know he's leaving before the end of the year .
On a more romantic note the bedroom department was shockingly beautiful. Sounds soppy but I really felt like we made love which I've never felt before . I'm almost certain he felt the same , yet no one has mentioned love.
I've fallen head over heels .
He's mentioned taking his house off the market but not because of me at least he hasn't said that .
He's told his family and friends about me and we're seen together now .
I daren't put pressure on him and ask if he wants to make a go of this and commute Incase I lose him-----I know , if he goes it's not meant to be .
He leads a very very busy lifestyle working long hours mostly abroad .
He also sees all his family a lot and has a lot of solid friendships , yet he still finds time every single day to check in with me and plan time together when he's home .
I completely adore him .
Any advice would be welcome .
I don't want to sell myself short so feel I need to stop feeling so needy iykwim but I'm 45 he's 50 and neither of us is playing any sort of game x
Is it too soon after 5 months to expect further commitment ?
I think I'm looking too deeply into it and maybe should just enjoy what we have right now and see where it goes ?x

hellsbellsmelons Thu 03-Sep-15 11:28:16

I think I'm looking too deeply into it and maybe should just enjoy what we have right now and see where it goes


Your last sentence is exactly the way to go.
I'm not sure it's a rebound thing if it's been 18th months since your Ex left.
Your feelings are very valid and I can understand why you don't want to lose him.
I would leave it a bit longer just taking it as it comes and see what happens with house sale etc... over the next few months.

On the other hand, he could be waiting for you to tell him how you feel so he knows he is making the right decision for himself.

God the more I think about it the more confused I get. So goodness knows how you must feel.

reasonstobecheerful123 Thu 03-Sep-15 11:41:25

I think you should talk to him and see what his intentions are. I dont think you are being needy, you do need to know where you are both going with this. A move abroad is a big thing, you're not 'needy' to want to know if this is what he is going to do and to question what happens to your relationship if this is the case.

I think life if too short to be wondering about this...yes, enjoy what you have now, but I think you should talk about the future too.

Good luck!

pocketsaviour Thu 03-Sep-15 11:57:42

It may have started as a quick fling, but for you at least it has obviously become more.

I think I would perhaps just casually say something like "I've got so used to having you around/in my bed/spending time with you. It's going to leave a big hole when you leave the UK." Then just stop talking and leave the ball in his court.

If he says "Yeah well let's enjoy it while it lasts" then you know he's still planning on going regardless of anything else. But if he says "Yeah I've been thinking about that too, I'm going to miss you so much" then it opens a door for you to discuss further.

After only 5 months, I wouldn't expect him to just change all his plans - but perhaps there's a middle way, where he comes back to see you once a month or something? I presume he'll come back occasionally anyway to see his DC?

Throughthestorm Thu 03-Sep-15 14:54:25

Thanks all.
Hellsbells I think that's just it Im confused.
I think he is probably confused too and taking his time to make a decision - he is very like that.
If he commits to me in the whole in love way he will commit 100 %.
Reasons- thanks . You make it sound easier actually . Just a simple question like what does he plan for us for the future ( if anything ) might be an idea.
Before he left last time he did say we needed to have a conversation about us and that's when we agreed to take it a big step further than a casual summer fling-we agreed to be exclusive and prob meet each others older dc at some point .
After a weeks holiday together I did think he might revisit the conversation.
Pocket- I think deep down that's what will happen and it will either fizzle or bloom into something more.
He has his son ( 18 ) his dog his mum who he adores and many friends here - hes just so damn ambitious and his company abroad is just flying at the moment .
Hes asked me to come out later in the year for a holiday and to see where he works .

desertmum Thu 03-Sep-15 18:43:11

have you posted about this before? it's very familiar

Throughthestorm Thu 03-Sep-15 20:16:33

Yes absolutely a few months ago .
Always turn to Mumsnet for some good advice .
Why do you ask ?
Should I maybe namechange if I'm still uncertain and want to ask further down the line ... Cba tbh I always come on here to receive and give a little advice ��

quitefondofcake Thu 03-Sep-15 23:03:02

This struck a chord. As a youngster 25+ years ago I had this. A man working in my city - briefly he said... He was definitely always relocating to his home country. I was just out of a very destructive very intense relationship - and I adored this new guy - but it gave me the strength to say that's fantastic... Be enthusiastic when he raised it - for him and his future - be totally behind him. To never ever raise it as an issue between us... Basically and unknowingly I became hard to get. It wasn't about playing a game - I simply gave no pressure and later was told how amazingly refreshing that was. I'm now living in his home country (ireland - my choice after years in the South East married with him. We have three lovely children).

Never underestimate the attractiveness of being "underinvested". It was an accident with me... Didn't mean I didn't care about him or show it. But - he thought he might one day lose me and it focused him. I emphasise this was a complete accident as I had had a run of truly shit relationships and was tired of laying my heart on the line.

He sounds lovely if uncertain... Just have some fun. You've earned it... But personally I wouldn't push things. If he's worth having he will see you for how fab you are and want you whatever his plans were. Plans change.

desertmum Fri 04-Sep-15 06:23:43

just asking as it seemed familiar. tbh it's not a long time to know someone for them to change their plans and not move, nor is it long for you to decide to move with him - which would be problematic with school age children and not being married.

I would continue to enjoy yourself but assume he will move away - long distance relationships are hard, and you may find you both wander off and find other people to be with.

Throughthestorm Sun 06-Sep-15 11:44:39

Thanks both.
Dessert I've realsied that a lot more today .
I think I'm noticing that he's more distant with me and this morning he didn't message me his usual good morning message which he has only ever missed when asleep himself !
I have absolutely no confidence at the moment and am prob reading too much into it but when I think about it he is not as forthcoming or excited about us as he was... But could be because we've been doing this 6 months now or because he's moving soon and distancing himself .
I know he's flat out at work in the heat today too .
I've had a damn good cry this morning , feel pathetic looking at my phone like a teenager every 5 minutes .
Wish I hang let myself fall this far now x

Theuglytruth33 Sun 06-Sep-15 19:38:03

I agree with other posters,
Although it did start as a fling you have become quite attached.
Keep enjoying yourself for now tho.
Long distance will be difficult for both parties involved.

Throughthestorm Tue 15-Sep-15 17:56:17

Well dp is back in the UK for a week and flat out busy at work and home, genuinely .
However Ive definitely noticed hes backing off .
He still messaged me every single morning while away with a lovely good morning but nothing else much .
The odd pic .
When I mention missing him ect he usually was same back but nothing recently .
Im not at an age where I want to play games and if he wants to end it I honestly thought ( still do ) hes a gentleman enough to come straight out and tell me instead of just slowly withdrawing .
He hasn't made any firm commitment to see me while hes home this week which he usually is so keen to do .
Saying that he did call me today to say he couldn't make coffee and why.
He really is flat out at home .
I thought he might have said we could meet up later in the week at some point but no plans mentioned except that hes seeing his family at the weekend and Im genuinely pleased re that as he is a good family man.
My dd keeps saying Im reading too much into it because hes not someone to mess me around .
However Id have been at the airport to greet him if I had it my way !!
I absolutely adore this man .
On another noet he said his plans have changed and hes taking his house off the market for 6 months and not moving but will commute to the UAE as he has been for many years .
Its too early I know to expect him to do this because we are getting on so well but he said its because it wont sell in the winter and he doesn't want people wondering why its been on the market so long it will put buyers off - valid point .

However Im just not feeling Im getting much enthusiasm for us back from him, but could be that hes genuinely busy , working flat out, commuting 3,500 regularly, looking after his estate single handedly and being a single dad to 18 yr old ds.Somehow he still finds time to communicate with me every day .
I am going to say something when we do meet and give him the opportunity to tell me if he wants to end it .
Id hate him to feel he cant because I really care about him and wouldn't want him unhappy as much as I want to be with him.
Something along the lines of-- I can see your snowed under with xxx at the moment but ive noticed your so keen on making any firm plans with me at the moment. Is this because you cant or because you don't feel its happening anymore ?
Im dreading the answer I don't want so tempted to say nothing and just be patient .
Any tips on not over anylysing thing s and living for the here and now rather than worrying all the time ?
I also feel very uncomfortable that ive noticed my happiness seems to be centred around this guy big time and its not healthy .
Sorry to waffle its nice writing it all down ! x

Jan45 Tue 15-Sep-15 18:03:52

Even before I read your last bit I thought my god why are you giving this one person so much control over your life - you adore him but his actions are not that of a man that feels the same way.

I am sorry but even without reading the above bit I just thought you are really taking this very seriously when in fact you are not even a proper couple, he's made that much clear to you already.

You have him on a huge pedestal OP, everything he does is beautiful and his morals are just great, not that great that they stop him sleeping with you whilst planning a future without you.

Sorry but this man is only interested in the here and now, he has no intentions of making a future with you, time to take of the rose coloured specs and see things for what they actually are.

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