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How to leave? When to leave?

(44 Posts)
Kazzawazzawo0 Mon 31-Aug-15 11:09:23

My marriage of 20 years is over. I don't love him anymore. We have a teenage daughter who isn't aware (I think) of our problems. Husband wants to keep trying, but I know I can't feel the same way about him again. I've also met someone else.

We have put our house up for sale, the proceeds are needed to pay off some debt and will leave us with nothing to start our new lives.

The thing is,I don't know what I need to do. I'm not bothered about divorcing at the moment, neither of us can afford solicitor fees. I just want to sell the house, pay off the debt and go.

Do I have to wait til the house is sold? When do I apply for tax credits on my own etc? I'm working part time at present, I don't earn enough to live on, due to health reasons I can't work full-time.

I'm really stressed and can barely sleep, trying to work out when to do things and feel like I'm just sat here waiting to move on. I can't tell dd because I don't want to upset her whilst we are all under one roof. I haven't even told my husband that it's definitely over, because I want to keep a peaceful atmosphere until the house is sold and I can make some definite plans.

Please don't judge, I'm trying to keep everything peaceful for as long as possible for dds sake.

I don't know how I'm going to rent somewhere on my earnings, a lot of landlords don't seem to take people on benefits. I can move in with the person I am seeing on a temporary basis until I find somewhere, as I'll be moving away from the area, but then want to find my own place. Any ideas how to start, will I be entitled to help with rent? I earn between £400 and £900 a month depending on the work load (I'm self employed).

Thanks for any advice.

Pixie1975 Mon 31-Aug-15 11:13:59

I was there 10 years ago, 1st of all visit your local council offices to see what they can do they might be able to help with housing benefit. Are either of you able to move out to make the situation better like moving in with your parents, I did this for 6 months rather than be under the same roof as him. You also need to get the house valued and on the market. Make a list of what's yours in the property so you have items for a new place.

Kazzawazzawo0 Mon 31-Aug-15 11:23:42

Thanks Pixie.

The house is on the market. I've looked on entitled, I should receive tax credits and housing benefit, but from looking on Rightmove there are few places that accept benefits.

I'm going to move out of the area to be near to the person I'm seeing, so I don't think visiting the local council offices will help? This is part of my worry, I don't know how to start applying for stuff in a new area. I can't move in with my parents, but could move in with bf. My husband could move in with his mother, but he still thinks we can make it work .. confused

I will make a list of what is mine. But most stuff belongs to both of us .. I'm not bothered about taking the stuff we had together, except of course dds things. I can't afford a removal company and can't drive a van myself.

It all feels very daunting ..

pocketsaviour Mon 31-Aug-15 11:26:37

Assuming the mortgage is in both your names, you are jointly responsible for paying it until the house is sold, so realistically you're probably going to have to stay there until you've exchanged contracts.

You could speak to CAB about tax credits now and other benefits you can claim. I believe if you can show you are living as a separated individuals you can claim tax credits immediately, but that's going back several years since I did it so things may have changed. Do you have a PIP claim, if your ill health prevents you from working more hours? Get this claimed now because it takes months to process and assess.

pocketsaviour Mon 31-Aug-15 11:28:21


My husband could move in with his mother, but he still thinks we can make it work

Could you tell him you need some time and space to consider things?

Coolforthesummer Mon 31-Aug-15 11:28:43

Where is your daughter in all this?

Mintyy Mon 31-Aug-15 11:31:26

What about your dd's school?

Kazzawazzawo0 Mon 31-Aug-15 11:32:09

Thanks. Yes the mortgage is in joint names. We can't pay it at the moment anyway as husband is out of work.

What is a PIP claim? I'm self employed - does it still apply?

Tax credits are difficult - we were claiming last year, as husband was out of work. Despite giving them all the figures straight away and keeping them up to date at all times, they reckon they overpaid us by £3000 (how??) Does that mean I'll get nothing for ages and ages when living alone whilst they claim the overpayment back?

Coolforthesummer Mon 31-Aug-15 11:34:10

Why would you get tax credits if you live alone?

Kazzawazzawo0 Mon 31-Aug-15 11:35:03

Dd will come with me. She is more or less unaware of the situation at present.

Her current school is rubbish, I've been considering changing for a while, but my husband has been less than supportive. Dd wants to stay there because of friends. Even though she's just starting GCSE years I think a move would be better for her as the school really is poor.

Kazzawazzawo0 Mon 31-Aug-15 11:36:01

I wouldn't live alone. Dd will be living with me.

Coolforthesummer Mon 31-Aug-15 11:38:15

Oh sorry you said alone.

Kazzawazzawo0 Mon 31-Aug-15 11:40:09

Sorry, I meant without him.

pocketsaviour Mon 31-Aug-15 11:41:17

PIP is the new version of DLA. You can claim it no matter how many hours you work or who employs you. More info here:

Viviennemary Mon 31-Aug-15 11:42:19

I think the rules on claiming tax credits when self employed are changing. You have to be earning what is equivalent to full time minimum wage. Don't know exactly when that's coming in but it's something to be aware of. Don't rush into anything and give yourself more stress through money worries.

Kazzawazzawo0 Mon 31-Aug-15 12:03:17

Do I have to talk to my doctor about claiming PIP? I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety years ago and it affects my work. I was written off sick for a few months last year before resigning and becoming self employed. Is the fact that I work going to mean I can't claim? That's the reason I never looked into it ..

Mintyy Mon 31-Aug-15 15:38:57

Ok, I think looking into if and how you can change your dd's school should be your priority.

Reubs15 Mon 31-Aug-15 18:12:39

No advice re benefits. However, please don't move in with the other man if you're planning on taking your dd with you, that would be just awful for her.
When you do get divorced he may well divorce you on the grounds of adultery now just so you're aware. Are you sure you want it to be over with your dh or is it the interest in the other man that's swaying you? If so you also need to be prepared for every other Christmas/special occasion etc without your dd.
You may not get disability benefits due to depression I'm afraid so speak to cab.
If you really are 100% sure you don't want to be with your dh ask him to go to his mums. Tell him it's over and you're seeing someone else. It's only right morally.

Kazzawazzawo0 Mon 31-Aug-15 20:24:31

It was over with my husband before the other man.

Kazzawazzawo0 Mon 31-Aug-15 20:46:28

I wasn't planning on moving in with the OM, it was just an example of the only place I could stay if I moved out.

I have started looking into schools in the area I'll move to, but can't do something until I have a date for moving out.

Kazzawazzawo0 Mon 31-Aug-15 20:47:49

I could tell my husband that, but he won't do it, he doesn't get on with his mum. He'd stay here and make dds life miserable.

Reubs15 Mon 31-Aug-15 21:30:56

It wouldn't look like was over with your husband as you're still under the same roof and married. It would be hard to prove it was over. He may move out if he knew about the OM.
Also, how are you so sure your dd would go with you?

Onedirectionarestillloved Mon 31-Aug-15 21:39:17

Could you rent somewhere still within your dds catchment area?

How does your dd feel about moving schools? Have you discussed this with her ?

Personally I would accept a lower offer on the house. ( providing your h agrees) if it ment selling quickly. I think moving from the marital home, although initially stressful , would make you feel better.

Again please don't move in with your new man no matter how tempting it seems.

Kazzawazzawo0 Tue 01-Sep-15 01:00:55

I don't really care what grounds he divorces me for!

He's already arguing that we should be asking more for the house.

Dd doesn't want to change schools, but her school isn't great, so I'm not going to let her make that decision. She wants to stay because she has friends there, not because it's a good school.

Ok, so I'll not get any help because I'm depressed and have anxiety problems and I'll not get tax credits because I'm not working full time .. Great. So essentially I have to stay with someone I don't love because I'm not well enough to earn enough?

magiccatlitter Tue 01-Sep-15 05:07:23

Just wondering if you are actively being treated for your depression and anxiety? counselling? meds?

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