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New job, same old H issues. Remind me to LTB!

(116 Posts)
thatsnotmynamereally Sat 29-Aug-15 08:55:21

Complicated (or possibly not!) situation with emotionally abusive, whining, generally pathetic H ...and I can't seem to see the forest for the trees right now. I've posted about him loads, he ticks so many 'abuser' boxes, looking back over how our relationship evolved there were red flags waving everywhere but I never thought it was his fault, only mine for not trying hard enough.

In a nutshell: I worked basically full time while the DCs were young, stopped at his suggestion when oldest started A levels (as he said it would be All My Fault if the DCs didn't do well, only one chance etc) which was fine as he was earning plenty of money. DCs have done great. But our relationship gradually deteriorated with me 'not working' (I had to be on call all the time to do things for him) and even though he would constantly berate me for NOT working, saying he didn't see what I did all day, insults like 'never done a days work' he was furious when I got a job without asking him 2 years ago when youngest started uni. He'd done his best to convince me I was unemployable, too old, wrong qualifications, etc, I got a job with no effort whatsoever. A lowly job, but interesting and in my field, all the same, and a great experience.

Sorry this isn't really a nutshell! We had a major incident just after I started working (will try to find the link to remind myself as I had a thread going at the time but in the end I brushed it under the carpet). H continued to belittle and make fun of my job, always said the name of where I was working with a sneer, assumed I could run errands for him while at work, called and texted constantly, often over 50 times times in a day. Work people were wonderful and tolerated my bad timekeeping (and often tears) but I always knew I would eventually have to move on to a new position one day as the work was short term contract. Basically, I kept everything together, afraid to topple what was/is a house of cards.

A month ago I realised my contract was coming to an end so put my cv in with an agency. I immediately got an interview and a job offer for a fantastic job. I accepted. I told H. Not a lot but I did tell him as a statement of fact that I'd done it. He NEVER asked any details and I never offered any. He acknowledged by text I'd got a job ('lets celebrate' when he wanted my to go to a function in town with him) so he can't say he didn't know. As expected, when he found out I am starting Tuesday he's alternatively furious and begging me not to take it. If you're wondering why I have stayed with him- he earns more money than I ever could. He just put the equivalent of a years wages for me into our joint account. And my work has never been stable, probably because of him for a large part.

He says he just doesn't see why I want to work, why I don't want to 'be a wife' to him...it's really pathetic, isn't it? Tbh we can certainly use the extra money I bring in, we have no pensions set up so need to focus on saving for the next 10 years (I am 50) and it's not time to start spending down our assets.

So...this morning I've had him on the phone begging me not to take the job. How pathetic is that. There's an additional complication in that we may be selling our house, he'd assumed that we'd move into our weekend place which would mean a hellish commute for me to new job, I'd assumed if the sale went through I'd rent. By myself. Now is the time to get out...right? I keep hesitating and I could totally screw things up if I get this wrong. For a lot of people. House people, job people (will be distraught if I don't turn up!), plus I've left other job now. I feel strangely calm but am worried he's going to turn psychopath if I don't pretend to be going along with him.

Costacoffeeplease Sat 29-Aug-15 09:02:06

Absolutely get out now, it sounds an ideal time, I don't know how you've stuck it so long flowers

Rebecca2014 Sat 29-Aug-15 09:05:17

I am sure if he didn't berate you when you were not working, you wouldn't have felt the urgent need to go back to work to gain independence. Anything you do he will not be happy with.

You said you posted about this man several times and I am sure you have had the same advice, over and over again. Posting again its just going give you the same replies, it is your choice wherever to leave or stay. If he earns so much I am sure your be entitled to spousal manteience but its up to you if you want stay and continue be his emotional punching bag.

FluffyPersian Sat 29-Aug-15 09:05:28

Sounds like he likes the fact you weren't working as you were far more submissive / dependant on him, however the second you potentially have financial independence, he's hating it. I think you're incredibly wise to have found a job without telling him as he would more or less have sabotaged it, telling you how you couldn't get one etc... I think it's a massive testament to how strong you are to have realised what he was doing and made such fantastic changes in your life.

He's begging you on the phone to not get a job? He wants you to be his little wifey at home, completely dependant on him so he can continue to emotionally abuse you and destroy your confidence. Saying things with a sneer? just because he earns more money it doesn't mean he's better / more important than you or your feelings, yet he seems to have acted like that's the case?

Yes. It is time to get out.

thatsnotmynamereally Sat 29-Aug-15 09:06:52

Thanks costa just what I need to hear grin I can think it but believing I can do it is another kettle of fish altogether!

peacefuleasyfeeling Sat 29-Aug-15 09:12:02

Ouch, feeling your pain and validating your experience. Be brave flowers

lorelei9 Sat 29-Aug-15 09:17:10

OP - do you realise there is a nice world out there? a world where you can enjoy your work, come home to a nice peaceful home where people - friends, DC - are there when you invite them etc... where there is nice music playing and a generally happy atmosphere?

a married friend once told me "the world is full of people going home to unhappy homes at the end of their working day".

I was flummoxed. I haven't had a perfect life by any stretch. But as a singleton, I go home to a happy home every day. I have friends and family and people who love me. What's not to want about that?

don't think of it as ending a marriage. Think of it as starting a fabulous new life.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sat 29-Aug-15 09:20:35

I remember your posts I think
Sell the house, bank your share and gtfo
Your kids will thank you, honestly

thatsnotmynamereally Sat 29-Aug-15 09:29:24

Thanks all flowers flowers yes I've posted before and have just been rereading my old posts, I've had excellent advice and I've bottled out of leaving before. I am sort of scared of him, he's threatened violence but isn't really violent, he threatens suicide so often I just don't pay attention any more ( apologies for sounding so crass) he's spent a night in a police cell due to me calling them when he threatened me before (subject of another thread) but nothing's getting through to him and I can't bear to break everything apart so I've just kept going, keeping things together, but I've always said that if he insisted on selling our (now too big) family home which he hates (too suburban) but I like, that it would be the end of our relationship. So he was warned! I need to feel I have the moral high ground even though I know I don't need an excuse...plus we have a lot of shared history together and could have made a good team, or rather we did until he decided that by 'team' he meant a master and servant relationship!

It's so so subtle. Right now he's saying he'll go to counselling, do whatever it takes, as long as I go along with his plans. If he doesn't, he will scupper the sale. At this point, I'm sort of lying saying I will go along with it, with full intention to rent my own place and make good efforts with new job, rather than doing that commute. If we don't sell house it works in my favour as house is an easy commute to new job. I intend to rent nearby. But I don't like lying and I'm not good at it!

Lolimax Sat 29-Aug-15 09:36:22

Hi. Can you get some legal advice? I know kids have grown up but I think you need to find out your legal position here. Good luck. Stay strong and have faith in yourself!

tribpot Sat 29-Aug-15 09:50:15

At the moment you are relatively young and clearly very employable. If you wait 10 or 15 years, he will have control over all the money and you will find it much, much harder to find work to fund your own retirement if he decides to pull the plug. You know perfectly well that he abuses the financial inequality in the marriage to emotionally abuse you - how much worse will it be when you are that much more powerless?

Now is the time to take back the reins of your life. Your children are grown, you have a great new job. I don't know what on earth you think it is you are 'keeping together', other than a extremely dysfunctional situation which disadvantages you on every possible level, and which is certainly no good to your children either. Well done on your new job, make it the start of a new life.

mummytime Sat 29-Aug-15 09:59:04

Get some legal advice.

But yes this is a great time to get out.

lorelei9 Sat 29-Aug-15 10:10:56

OP "It's so so subtle. Right now he's saying he'll go to counselling, do whatever it takes, as long as I go along with his plans."

that's not subtle, it's blatant.

I don't understand the "lying" bit. You have access to money, have I got that right? If so, what is stopping you renting somewhere now? Then when you are moving out, you tell him you're moving out. Or is he one of those people who watches every move?

is there anyone you can stay with for a while?

if you don't want to leave, nothing I say, or any other MNer, will persuade you otherwise. I'm minded of a conversation I had with a colleague yesterday. She is somewhat miffed because she's having to spend a lot of time off taking her mum to hospital appointments. Her father won't take her mother because he thinks wives are dogsbodies and now just complains that his wife is ill and can't do housework.

My colleague's words yesterday "I understood why she didn't leave him when we were teenagers, but twenty years later, we're all still suffering because she doesn't want to leave and no one knows why".

don't let that be you in 20 years.

CharlotteCollins Sat 29-Aug-15 10:21:06

You have been edging towards freedom for a long time now and getting the job was a big step. One more big step now: get yourself a lovely flat. Lying is not nice but you know it has to be done in this situation. Rentals are relatively quick to organise: could be not long at all till you can stop the lying and start living.

And once you have that place, never let him over the threshold and enjoy your own space. It makes such a difference!

Joysmum Sat 29-Aug-15 10:22:05

Face it, every time you've capitulated and submitted to him before he's not stopped being emotionally abusive.

The house sale will be a fantastic time to exit.

If you don't, you've consented to serve a lifetime sentence sad

CharlotteCollins Sat 29-Aug-15 10:26:04

Oh yes, and pretend to listen to him by all means, but don't actually dwell on anything he says. I second what lorelei says about your confusing subtle with blatant. Whenever you have doubts, think: "I will think about that once I'm in my freedom flat. Right now, I'm focussing on practicalities."

CharlotteCollins Sat 29-Aug-15 10:29:29

Meant to say: " confusing subtle with blatant but of course it's totally understandable while you're still with him. You will see it more clearly once you've moved out. "

Ripeningapples Sat 29-Aug-15 10:33:26

Oh God, get out. You have perhaps 40 years of wonderful freedom and a wonderful life ahead of you. Perhaps see a solicitor first to make sure you get your full share of the assets that you have contributed to by supporting him.

Good luck.

Louise43210 Sat 29-Aug-15 10:33:41

Concentrate on the legal practical side whilst you are floundering a little. Find out what you need to know and do and in what order. Then start to do as advised. I have a happy marriage so don't really have experience that you have but I read your post and just thought that you could be as happy as I am if you left. I wonder if his reaction is because he has an inkling of your feelings?

MorrisZapp Sat 29-Aug-15 10:34:49

You're in such a strong position. Lots of women feel they can't leave their boring/ crap/ abusive partners because of myriad practical reasons.

There is not one practical reason why you can't now waltz off in the manner of a feel good movie into a new life of privacy, peace, fulfilment and who knows, even new love.

So the only thing holding you back is yourself. You can choose a wonderful new way of living, or stay with the same old shite.

The choice as they say, is yours.

ijustwannadance Sat 29-Aug-15 10:35:17

Just think about the great new job, workmates you'd be missing out on. Some women are content being housewives, even when kids have grown but most need more than that, mental stimulation, new experiences, friends. You have done your 'duty', now it's time to live. You owe him nothing.

I'd be tempted to use some of that cash he put in joint account to pay a deposit/few months rent on a nice little flat and just go. Fresh start.

You might love your nice big house but now kids have grown is it really that great? Just being stuck there with him, rattling round bored as you get older.

You should maybe think selling would give you a nice chunk of cash and he could go fuck off and live in weekend home on his own. Hate to say it but you'd probably do well out of a divorce.

paulapompom Sat 29-Aug-15 10:36:35

You are on the cusp of a happy life, please make the break, I honestly feel you won't look back flowers

pictish Sat 29-Aug-15 10:44:52

I agree - take deposit from joint account and go.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 29-Aug-15 10:45:30

If you need reminding to LTB you've come to the right place grin

To recap: having persuaded you to stop work because it would be 'All Your Fault' if the dcs didn't do well at A levels at he proceeded to belittle and demean you for not working.

When you responded by getting yourself another job without telling him after the dcs had done well, he endeavoured to sabotage it by constantly calling and texting you 'often over 50 times in a day' while you were at work and sneered at and made fun of both your job and your employers when you were at home.

This man is a self-entitled arse and a half and you're right to be concerned he might turn a bit psycho if you don't pretend to be going along with him, which is why it seems to me you're best advised to set part of your stall out today/over the weekend by making it clear to him that you've got no intention of giving up your 'fantastic new job', while giving every impression of doing the 'hellish' commute if/when your house is sold and there's no option but to move into your weekend place.

I would also suggest you look for a room to rent near your place of work, preferably within walking distance or a short bus/train ride of the offices, that you can move into when the house is sold - or before, if necessary.

Although your previous employers were understanding of your poor timekeeping, tears, and his constant calls/texts, look to present a more professional facade in your new job by telling your h that personal calls are not allowed and all personal mobiles are switched off during working hours. If there's a switchboard, give the operator your h's name with instructions not to put any calls from him through to you.

Source a SHL who specialises in divorce and family law and have a consultation with a view to working out what you can expect in terms of the division of joint assets when (that's a when with no 'if') you divorce him and be ready to move half of the contents of the joint account into your bank account at a moment's notice on the basis that she who strikes first, often strikes hardest.

If he kicks off bigtime simply call 999 and have the police remove him again.

50 is the new 30 - you've got years of living to look forward to; make sure they're happy ones.

sooperdooper Sat 29-Aug-15 10:54:06

Everyone else has summed it up perfectly but just wanted to add, life's too short to put up with any more of his crap, you're in a fantastic position once the house is sold to start a new life for yourself, don't pass it up, you'll regret it forever

I agree you should see a solicitor now about making sure you get 50% of the house profit, do you think he'll empty joint accounts once he knows you're leaving? Can you put some money aside now to make sure you're not left short?

Good luck, and make sure you keep us updated on your exciting new life smile

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