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My Husband is leaving & says I should tell the kids its a joint decision!!

(51 Posts)
lovemykids1 Thu 27-Aug-15 14:47:45

Myself and my husband have been together for 17 years, we have 3 children and have been married 5 years, 6 months ago he told me he didn't love me anymore and wasn't happy etc etc. He hasn't moved out as yet as we have mulled over things, he has said a number of times he will give it a go but in reality hasn't really done anything out about it. I'm devastated and don't want us to separate, we have a comfortable life, I have 2 jobs, he works full time. I feel as if he tells me he will make a go but then doesn't actually and now after him saying he will give it a go only 2 days ago, he has dropped the bombshell again today that we are separating and we need to tell the kids. I keep asking him how he can say he will give it a go and then 2 days later change his mind, he has done this now a few times & then we go back to just 'living together' as friends. I keep saying to him that if we are going to 'make a go of it' then we need to actually do this over a longer period of time, however, he says that he just doesn't feel anything for me and finds it hard to be close to me. The thing is he is now saying that we should tell the kids (age 11,9,6) that its a joint decision that we have made and have decided its the best solution for both of us so we can lead a happy life. I'm not happy with telling the kids this because I don't want this separation, I want us to stay together and work at the relationship, he doesn't want this! Any views greatly appreciated because i'm in a pretty bad way at the minute. Thanks

Twinklestein Thu 27-Aug-15 14:49:46

You're not obliged to lie to your kids for the sake of your husband's desire not to be the bad guy.

Chippednailvarnish Thu 27-Aug-15 14:51:59

Sorry, but it sounds like there is an OW and he's trying to get the best outcome for him.

Do not say it is a joint decision, he should take responsibility for his own decisions...

StanSmithsChin Thu 27-Aug-15 14:56:04

I separated from my DH in January. It was my decision and although we told them together we didn't lay blame at either door. Simply because the DC all under 12 did not need to know that. Telling them we were splitting up was enough without blaming each other it isn't the DC responsibility to blame the other parent.

I know you are hurting and want the world to know you didn't want this but telling your DC will not change that. It will just make it harder for them to understand. I am not saying lie for him, be truthful and say the marriage hast worked they just don't need the ins and outs at this stage.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 27-Aug-15 14:56:48

There was a thread on here recently from a man who was in your husbands shoes. He had stayed but in reality didn't want to, his feelings had gone, if he could get them back he would but he just couldn't.

The wife, quite understandable was trying to hold on for dear life but it futile.

I say let him go, he is staying out of a sense of obligation and I suppose he is waiting for your blessing of sorts.

The children, well they won't be harmed during your separation if you don't apportion blame unnecessarily. There is no gain for them to be told it's daddy who wNts to leave. They will just feel angry towards him.

However tell them that mummy and daddy have decided to just be friends and they still care about each other and still love you all the same is the best way forward.

With all the will in the world he just wants to leave. You need to start accepting the circumstances and plan for the future.

Possible arrange some counselling for yourself and inform the children's school.

flowers

lovemykids1 Thu 27-Aug-15 15:05:17

I totally understand about laying blame etc, I won't lay the blame with him I just want him to be truthful with the kids and tell them that he doesn't love me anymore and he is leaving! I think he has been unfair to me over the past months by saying he will give it a go but then not actually doing anything about that, that hurts because I keep thinking if you say your giving it a go then at least do this for more than 2 days and in that time actually do something as opposed to just sitting back and doing nothing, how can he even start to get his feeling back if he's not prepared to put the effort in??

Joysmum Thu 27-Aug-15 15:07:54

That's not what is best for your kids though, no matter how much you want him to tell them that

StanSmithsChin Thu 27-Aug-15 15:09:35

He has been a complete shit to you.....but you have to separate that from his relationship with your children.

Will telling them daddy doesn't love mummy anymore so is leaving us help the children in any way?
Will it make the split easier or harder for them to deal with?
When supporting young DC through a break up you have to put them first.

He won't put the effort in to getting his feelings back because he doesn't want to OP. Hard as this sounds he doesn't want to try because he doesn't want to be with you and I am sorry.

Twinklestein Thu 27-Aug-15 15:11:39

I agree with the pp who suggests there may be OW involved, I thought the same.

The vacillating, to-ing and fro-ing, trying to work out what he wants, while paying lip service to 'making it work' without making any genuine effort, would fit with that.

Branleuse Thu 27-Aug-15 15:13:17

I dont think the children need to know whos fault it is.
Fact is, it isnt working. Why would you want him to stay if he doesnt love you? He probably has someone else lined up. Theres always a catalyst, but the children dont need to know that. Damage limitation for them will be to tell the children that relationships sometimes stop working, but that no matter what happens between you and their dad, that NONE of it was their fault, and that you both love them, and will try and make this as easy for them as possible.

DawnOfTheDoggers Thu 27-Aug-15 15:16:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gymbunny1204 Thu 27-Aug-15 15:22:38

Either don't say whose decision it is or tell the truth. He made the choice, don't make you out to be happy about it. Watch out for a new fancy piece in a few days weeks.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 27-Aug-15 15:32:30

There isn't always someone else. The man won't try because his heart is no longer in it. It's hard to try when you just know you don't want to be there.

Let the man go, he can't try because he doesn't want to. The quicker he is gone the better in the long term.

flowers

Atenco Thu 27-Aug-15 15:32:59

I agree with the others who say your children should not involved in the rights and wrongs of this situation, they will have enough trouble adapting without feeling that they have to side with you or comfort you. In fact the ins and outs of their parents' relationship is really none of their business.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 27-Aug-15 15:33:01

And what dawn said.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 27-Aug-15 15:34:51

So you tell the dc that you're splitting and then what? He carries on living under the same roof?

Oh no, that's not the way to go. Your dc have no need to be told he's leaving until he's got a place to go to and can reassure them that they will able to spend, say, every other weekend and a night or 2 in the week with him.

And you have no need to continue being demeaned and diminished by a man who repeatedly says one thing and does another.

Make an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law to find out what you'll been entitled to in the event that he leaves you and make it clear to your h that you no longer have any interest in staying married to a man who clearly has no love or respect for you.

It won't be easy to disguise your true feelings, but fake it till you make it otherwise your self-esteem and self-respect will go through the floor.

Put on your big girl's pants, channel your inner warrior woman, and start roaring 'how dare you fuck me around' - breathe a little fire in his direction to let him see you're not to be trifled with. And be prepared for him to change his mind yet again.

BoboChic Thu 27-Aug-15 15:35:33

I think it is only fair to the OP if she tells her DC that the separation is at her husband's instigation and that she herself would prefer the relationship to continue.

summerconfusion Thu 27-Aug-15 15:36:16

The details and wording of this are identical to a thread i was reading last night from husbands point of view, so I'm a bit suspicious if this is genuine as it's very coincidental!

My sincere apologies if it is genuine and I would agree with PPs that it's very unreasonable of him to expect you to lie to children and you have every right to give them a child friendly version of the truth. I'm really sorry you're in this situation and it must be awful having that control taken away from you. However, you can't go on living with uncertainty and if he doesn't want to work on your marriage it's best that a decision has been made one way or another! Xox

lunar1 Thu 27-Aug-15 15:38:49

He needs to take responsibility and tell them he has chosen to leave. I don't think they need details but what they are told should be based on the truth.

StanSmithsChin Thu 27-Aug-15 15:39:38

Who is that fair to bobo? The children, is it fair to them? The eldest is only 9yo, they will not understand the complexities of adult relationships. They will be distressed and unsure if they are allowed to still love their father as he has broken up their family. That is too much responsibility to put on young shoulders.

Yes the DH is a twat but that doesn't mean he shouldn't have a relationship with his children or they with him.

BoboChic Thu 27-Aug-15 15:41:52

Children deserve to live a truthful relationship with their parents. It doesn't have to be a gruesome warts and all sort of truth but it is unfair to the DC and the OP to live a lie to protect the exH's ego and absolve him of responsibility.

CatBlaster Thu 27-Aug-15 15:43:05

What do you want to achieve by making sure the children know it's your DH's 'fault'? Do you want them to hate him and punish him?

Is that what is best for your children?

Will that help them come to terms with the split?

Joysmum Thu 27-Aug-15 15:50:07

Bobo tears utter crap. As a child of divorced parents myself all they need to know is that the relationship isn't working, that both parents still love them and this isn't their fault and how their lives will be in future.

How can building up resentment and blame for one of their parents be in their best interests?

All that'll do is cause them to feel like they have to choose sides and feel guilty for still loving their father.

It's utterly selfish to drag the kids into divorce.

StanSmithsChin Thu 27-Aug-15 15:50:20

Yes they do deserve a truthful relationship however knowing that daddy chose to leave and doesn't love mummy anymore will not change anything for the OP but it will mean that the children will have to deal not only with the family break up but that daddy caused it. That will make matters worse not better.
Children will ask questions and the older they get the more they can be told but right now at the age they are it will do nothing but cause them more pain and affect their relationship with both parents. Have you thought the children may blame mum for daddy leaving? That they may not want a relationship with their father? Why put young children in that position?

Telling them the truth will only benefit the OP in the short term, it won't change the fact that he has ended the marriage. It is of no benefit to the children at this stage.

Branleuse Thu 27-Aug-15 15:58:43

I know all about why my mum and dad split up. I wish I bloody didnt. I never needed to know about that stuff. Both of them blamed the other. I know it was my dad being a cunt now im an adult, but as a child to be told the ins and outs of domestic violence issues or adultery, I shouldnt have been told.

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