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Dating dilemma

(14 Posts)
BrandNewAndImproved Thu 27-Aug-15 13:58:28

So after being on my own after a few disastrous relationships I've started online dating. I've made a conscious decision to stop chasing dopamine highs with awful lows and get a relationship with serotonin instead. I'm also having counselling (cbt and working on core beliefs) and I understand my trigger points that make me want that quick fix of dopamine.

Lots of chatting to different men and I've been on two dates with one man and one date with another. Both are really nice men going somewhere with their lives. Both like me and want to get to know me more and know about each other.

I've never done the dating scene before and the type of men I'm attracted to have been damaged me if I'm honest. I don't know if I can keep dating both, how can I decide?

The one I've only had one date with is probably the slight favourite his personality is awesome. The other one would probably fit me more and is more family orientated which is what I'm looking for but he's slightly up himself!

I don't feel like a jellified mess with either of them where I'm so attracted to them but then isn't that dopamine talking anyway?

I also have touching issues where my automatic reaction to hand holding, hugging or a snog is for me to recoil. This is with anyone and what I'm working on in my core belief counselling. Whenever I've been in one of my shit relationships it's never been a problem as I've always wanted to be closer and probably been quite clingy but then that goes back to core beliefs and wanting to be the favourite/not feeling good enough maybe?

Anyone got any advice when it comes to finding a nice relationship. I've never had a problem finding nice men it's me that's not attracted to them that's the problem! (although my counsellor said that's rubbish it's because I'm actually quite strong and they've done things that has put me off and probably not been that nice in the first place)

I feel like a stupid clichy only liking 'bad boy's' urgh

loveyoutothemoon Thu 27-Aug-15 14:01:39

Don't go for the 'slightly up himself' one! I've 3 years of online dating experience!

loveyoutothemoon Thu 27-Aug-15 14:03:01

And keep looking if you're not really attracted to them much! Don't just settle.

BrandNewAndImproved Thu 27-Aug-15 14:17:36

Thanks moon! With the one with the nice personality I wasn't not attracted to him I didn't even realise the time flying past but he's not my usual type at all. I'm definitely going to have a second date with him.

The other one went for a snog last night and I just wanted it to end! I'm trying to work out if that's me not attracted to him or my issues.

pocketsaviour Thu 27-Aug-15 14:28:12

The other one went for a snog last night and I just wanted it to end!

It doesn't matter why you reacted like that, the fact you did means he's not right for you.

(Unless you have sexual trauma which is making you panic about any type of sexual contact.)

Keep looking... you will find a man who has both a good personality AND a sexual attraction for you - but you have to keep at it. He's not just going to fall from heaven into your bed smile

Wando Thu 27-Aug-15 15:24:45

Yes keep looking and persevering and there will be someone out there. It takes time and please don't settle for second best.

BrandNewAndImproved Thu 27-Aug-15 15:29:07

Thanks, it's quite a weird feeling having so much choice and there's still others I could arrange dates with as well!

loveyoutothemoon Thu 27-Aug-15 16:31:25

I agree, it wasn't meant to be if you wanted the kiss to end!

Wando Thu 27-Aug-15 16:31:43

The world is a massive place - there is the right person for you.

Rebecca2014 Thu 27-Aug-15 16:36:22

Yes please don't settle if you don't find the attraction. There were a few men I was seeing, nice guys who wanted a relationship with me but I just did not find that connection so ended it. I rather be alone for a while longer than settle for someone.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Thu 27-Aug-15 17:15:04

"I also have touching issues where my automatic reaction to hand holding, hugging or a snog is for me to recoil. This is with anyone and what I'm working on in my core belief counselling"

Do you think you're ready for a sexual relationship in that case BrandNew? Because until you have rectified this issue how will you know if it's the man you're not into or just the physical contact?

Nevergoingtolearn Thu 27-Aug-15 18:54:02

I'm pleased I'm not the only one that dates more than one man at once, though I often wonder why I do it as I'm often become attracted to 2 at once. I'm also useless at choosing men, have had a few bad relationships ( the last one lasting 12 years and me stupidly getting married to him ).

At the moment I am seeing more than 2 men, I have my 2nd date with one on Sunday. I can find faults with most of the men I date but they also have their qualities so it's hard to work out which one has the best qualities and which ones out way the faults.

The guy I'm seeing Sunday I get on really well with, we have a laugh, we always find things to talk about and I find him atractive but he's not ideal relationship material, he's not romantic at all, talks about himself a lot and I don't think there's any chance of it working out sad.

Another guy I have been chatting too would make the perfect partner, he loves family, hasn't got children but loves kids, older and sensible, romantic and caring but I don't find him atractive.

I always end up picking the guy who seems more exciting even if he is a complete dick sad, I think finding the perfect man is almost impossible. Take your time, date a few men, you may decide neither of them are up to scratch, you can then move on to someone else. I get quite a lot of offers on online dating ( have had 10 men contact me so far this week ), we can afford to be picky and not settle for the first guy that comes along.

Wando Thu 27-Aug-15 21:14:00

You need a combination of the spark and the rest of the characteristics. They are out there it just takes time. The real challenge is keeping it going for the duration of a relationship.

BrandNewAndImproved Thu 27-Aug-15 22:23:18

Oldbollocks I don't want to give you all a sob story and I take on board what you say, I am having counselling for a variety of things and feel a lot healthier emotionally. The touching thing is an automatic reaction but I do like a good shag grin. I'm just not a pda sort of person and I hate the hugging and kissing that's expected when you see friends and family. For example on the date I had with the awesome personality guy we were waiting for the rain to stop and he asked if I wanted a hug because I was shivering. No came straight out my mouth, but then I said yes actually and the hug was really nice. When I dropped him home he went in for the kiss and I kept it a closed mouth kiss even though I knew he wanted a proper kiss. I don't know if I'm supposed to like playing tonsil tennis on a first date and if I'm abnormal for not (because of my touching issues).

In a relationship I love hugs, sex, kisses but I'm definitely a get off me and let me go to sleep person. I also love hugging my dc but I hate hugging my family and cheek kissing them. My last relationship was abusive and Im even worse with touching people now and these two dates I did flinch slightly. That's obviously my issues and when I next see my counsellor I will bring that up.

I don't want to settle, I deserve an amazing relationship but my triggers that I get butterflies/sparks for are not healthy. Trying to date normal, for want of a better word, is a completely new experience. I'm supposed to be practising mindfulness maybe I should try that with dating! I've read before that butterflies are actually a warning sign but obviously for a relationship to work you need to feel that pull of sexual attraction.

I've been on my own for years or in shitty relationships, I have no problem with being on my own I love my own company and I'm not husband hunting. I'd just like to find a nice man to have fun with, go places and get to know. I won't be rushing in to anything.

nevergoingtolearn it's hard when you like different things about each of them. Can you try practising mindfulness and live in the here and now instead of projecting what you think they might be in a relationship? Go with how they are now and how much you enjoy being with them. Ive got more offers to and I'm trying to think of it as exciting instead of tedious.

The more counselling I do the more self esteem I've got, and I'm hoping the more I'll be attracted to men that treat me nice instead of the dickheads that I give passes and excuses for.

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