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he's gone. Can one person just finish 16 years like this?

(30 Posts)
oxcat1 Thu 27-Aug-15 07:44:27

About a month ago, suddenly and completely out of the blue, DH disappeared. It wasn't quite that simple, in that a few months before he had said that he wasn't sure he loved me 'in that way' anymore, and that he had also developed Feelings for our housemate - a best friend who moved in after leaving the husband. SHe had moved out a few months ago, when I suddenly out 2 and 2 together, but it was to her house that he ran when he first disappeared, although he is now the Work colleagues.

I have been distraught for this month. I wouldn't answer his phone, responds to any texts, emails or whatever, and for long stretches I didn't know where he was.

I met him again today - I had Arranged a session at Relate as I hoped he might then feel 'safe' enbough to meet me. His insistent line was that it is over. No second goes, no working at it, just finished. I asked again and again, as trios I had no idea what anything was wrong, but he just says no.

He suggested that' I should move back to a town we lived in 7 years ago, where we have many friends and were so happy. I have just come from w few days there though - it is too full of memories to be somewhere I would manage.

We have no children, but a rented property, cat, joint account, credit card debts etv to separate. I just don't know where to begin - I still totally adore him, and I remember how lonely and afraid I was before we met, 16 years ago. I have no idea how to start again,

I cannot stop crying. I can't imagine life without my wonderful husband. How can it be that what I want is of no significance in this? How do I move away, lonely and alone, to try to start again, when I still feel what there is so much left in our marriage,f only my husband would let me work through it, rather than just running away?

Please help? I am in despair

BastardGoDarkly Thu 27-Aug-15 07:50:02

Oh you poor thing flowers

He's got someone else, so that's why he can do it.

I'm so sorry, but you will rebuild, you absolutely will, baby steps is all you need for now.

Do you work? Or can you go and stay with your Mum for a bit or close friend? Get looked after and talk and cry if you want to?

Please don't beg him to come back, hard as that may be, he's not going to, and it will destroy you.

<massive hug>

rouxlebandit Thu 27-Aug-15 07:54:10

You poor thing. I have nothing to offer but my sympathy. Others with more experience will be along soon.flowers

LadyBlaBlah Thu 27-Aug-15 07:55:07

He's not a wonderful husband, he's a duplicitous liar and you have to resolve to change this image you have of him, first off.

When you are out of denial that you had a 'wonderful' husband, and in fact have had a lucky escape, start thinking about you and what you would like to do in the next year.

There are a million things you can do in your life when you are young and have no ties. It's a privilege, if you can look at it like that.

What did you always want to do? Where did you always want to go?

Plan it, do it.

Waste no more time on this man.

magoria Thu 27-Aug-15 07:57:09

He has moved on to another from the sounds of it.

All you can do is be kind to yourself and mourn what is gone.

If you have the strength start the ball rolling on asset splitting and divorce. Also consider STI tests. His comments about feelings for others mean he may have acted on them.

Lean on family and friends (although not the one who moved in).

Go no contact with him. Any attempts to try and talk/reason to him will be seen as clingy and make him not want you even more.

It's not fair but the less you have to do with him from now on the easier it will get for you.

Pickedmypoison Thu 27-Aug-15 07:57:15

If he doesn't want to work at it, he doesn't want to. You can't force him. It is hard but you need to start accepting that it's over. You won't change his mind by begging him.

It is wrong that he left so suddenly but I don't see that there is anything you can do about it.

Would you be able to stay in your current home? Do you work? I think you need to start telling people it's over and find support from them where you can.

ohmyeyebettymartin Thu 27-Aug-15 07:59:58

He doesn't get to tell you where he thinks you should live. That's up to you and nobody else.

flowers and brew OP, you sound like you need a big (very un-MN) hug.

LadyB is right, you have so many fabulous options. The world is truly your oyster.

You seem worried that, but for his presence in your life, it'll go back to how miserable you were before you met him. IT WON'T! Especially if you put your mind to it.

Between 16 years ago and now, you've done a lot of growing, maturing, you've developed talents and interests, and not all of this, I'm quite sure, was because of your husband. It was YOU.

Take a bit of time for yourself, get to know who you really are. I think you'll come out of this exercise a much happier person, now that you've shed some 14 st. of ugly deadweight. grin

Oh, and go visit Chump Lady - great therapy, esp the "Pick Me Dance" and her patented Universal Bullshit Translator. She'll have you laughing and angry in no time.

oxcat1 Thu 27-Aug-15 08:31:19

I am not young - I'm 37, and I am afraid I haven't been able to work for some time due to poor health. My health is now improving, so I hope all that will be possible again -and maybe even children - but now he has gone then the second, at least, is out of the window given my age.

I am so lonely. We moved here 9 years ago for his work, and I was unahppy from the start. I tried to make friends through clubs, societies etc, but as I was still a postgrad student away for a lot of the time, nothing really took off. Over time I gave up, and we have a single friend down here -the one who has taken my husband. I knew it wasn't healthy and begged him to move with me years ago, but he was scared of leaving that job. He's freelance now and could go anywhere, but it's too late, he wants to leave me.

I made him 'too big' - it suffocated any sense of 'me' but also suffocated him, which is the phrase he ysed yesterday.

I jsut can't understand it though. Are there not some obligations after 16 years? Some requirement to try once to save the marriage or something? Can one person really dictate that it is over and just go? How can that be right?

Myturnnow4 Thu 27-Aug-15 08:44:35

oxcat it is a big betrayal because there were promises made. But love is not an obligation and people's feelings changed. He is free to choose what makes him happy, and no matter how difficult this is to hear, that means not being with you.

Gymbunny1204 Thu 27-Aug-15 08:49:25

I'm so sorry your husband has turned out to be a pathetic wimp who can't be honest with you and as for trying to push you into moving away hmm. So he can carry on with his fancy piece without you cramping his style?!

You didn't suffocate him. He's blaming you for his feelings, decisions, choices. Twat.

summerwinterton Thu 27-Aug-15 08:55:24

you didn't suffocate him. He is disparaging you to justify his own unfaithfulness. The reason he finds it so easy to leave, and to monstrify you, is because he has a new relationship. How long this has been going on will tie in to when he first told you he didn't think he loved you.

You cannot save this - he is long gone. You are just an annoyance to him now sadly (sorry). You need to separate from him financially, sort out any debts and see a solicitor. It is the only way. And go NC with him, and her, too.

And yes, if one person wants to end it and the other doesn't there is nothing you can do except accept that it is over.

Check out the baggage reclaim site, get lawyered up, go NC and find some self respect. It is the only way.

Myturnnow4 Thu 27-Aug-15 09:07:09

These are some ideas I've found helpful:

When you were both in love with each other your focused on the other's positives and you minimised all of the negatives. We all have good and bad points, but that's the point of being in love, if we couldn't do this focusing we wouldn't fall in love.
When he fell out of love with you his perspective was still out of balance, only now he can't see your positives and is actually focused on your negatives.

But you're still in love, you're still ignoring his negatives and seeing all of the positives.

This is why he can move on, this is why you can't and why it hurts and confuses you. But although it takes time your perspective will slowly change too. Personally I don't find it helpful to focus on his negatives, I try to see him as he is, good and bad. Even more helpful than that, I like to focus on me and my future rather than him and my past.

ptumbi Thu 27-Aug-15 09:07:42

Are there not some obligations after 16 years? Nope. Sorry, no obligations at all.
Some requirement to try once to save the marriage or something? Again, No.
Can one person really dictate that it is over and just go? Yes. Morally, questionable, but yes.
How can that be right? well, in an ideal world, he would have talked to you, but he was happily cheating on you and wanted out.

So sorry OP

ravenmum Thu 27-Aug-15 10:25:23

Sorry to hear that your husband has been such a coward and a shit by not mentioning that he was unhappy until he had found a new partner, then dumping you unceremoniously once he had a foot in another door. Same happened to me and it is complete crap. I'm surprised you still think there's anything nice about him, probably shows you're a nice person but won't help you start the recovery process.

At 37 you're not too old to start a family, or adopt, foster etc. if you are not keen on having your own babies in your 40s for some reason.

You describe how living with him made it harder for you to have friends, and has left you lonely, while at the same time saying that meeting him stopped you feeling lonely. Maybe the image you have of your life needs a bit of rethinking in general? Sounds as if you have really been trying to convince yourself very hard of how happy you were.

Thank goodness your health is improving; look after yourself at this hard time to make sure you stay as healthy as you can. Speak to the doctor about your unhappiness and get as much outside help as possible. Since we split up I've had counselling, and it soon moved away from the split and onto making me feel generally more confident. Might help you too?

Could you move nearer to your family; would they help? Maybe think about moving somewhere where it's easy to make new friends (lots going on in the community). Open an account for yourself, take things one at a time. It looks a lot from this position, but you can do it in baby steps. Give yourself time.

Wando Thu 27-Aug-15 10:49:57

I'm so sorry for you. Please go and see your GP as soon as possible. Try and surround yourself with things to do over the next few days and weeks

Keep posting you will get great support here.

Inexperiencedchick Thu 27-Aug-15 11:14:29

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Do not move where he told you to move. That place will actually eat you as it's full of memories.
To start fresh, in case you want to move, find a place not connected to him at all.
For all these years he wasn't the one you thought he is. It's a mask people wear temporarily.
The fact that he is involved with a friend of yours (if I got your post right) just shows that he was looking at other women too.

You really had a lucky escape. Not him, you should erase him from your life.

In this case life is full of opportunities for you to start embracing it right now.

Take the best care of yourself, big hug.

BastardGoDarkly Thu 27-Aug-15 11:37:46

OP 37 is young! You really can have everything you want, and find a happiness that isn't shackled to someone not deserving of you.

Leeza2 Thu 27-Aug-15 11:48:53

I agree, 37 is still young, there s so much you can do in your life. Your health is improving . You have a good education ( you mentioned a post graduate degree ) .

You need to sort out all practical details now - get his name off the bills, the rental agreement, claim single person council tax . Stop all joint accounts to he can't run up debt in your name .

Don't waste any more energy trying to get him back . I'm sorry, but your marriage ended months or years ago - I'm sorry the bastard didn't have the guts to tell you then. He's not a good man or a wonderful husband, he's a cheating lying scumbag .

What is left is your feelings for him He has moved on a long time ago . You don't deserve this and it's not fair . But that's the reality .

oxcat1 Fri 28-Aug-15 01:16:47

Thank you for so many replies.

I Have contacted the GP several times over the last few weeks and begged for support -even said that I couldn't see the point of going on. But I was just told they couldn't help and that I should call the Samaritans. I am so alone.

I do have a good education, even a PhD, but because of poor health I have never worked. I am not yet well enough to work (still receiving 24 hour care) but I should be soon.

I just don't know who I am without him. I have nothing. No job, no friends (they are all elsewhere - we have no friends here apart from this one friend who has taken my husband), no house (I am not a tenant as I have no income, only 'right to reside' - but I can't stay in this house of memories anyway, afford it. I invited my friend in when she left her husband, and deliberately tried not to be affectionate to my husband in front of her so she never felt uncomfortable and to make her own separation easier. I was such a fool.

I know I nust do all those things you say, but it is so hard : he still looks the same, sounds the same, etc, but is just not the man I knew anymore? I just can't understand it. Overnight he went from saying he loved me to saying he didn't, and now, that is over, even though I have a recent mental health diagnosis and can genuinely say that, even if he has been unahppy with me in recent months, there is genuine hope thwt with the right help, things could be better?

I am lost and still so in love. I hurt so much and feel so alone.

trackrBird Fri 28-Aug-15 01:49:49

I'm so sorry oxcat.
It's a grieving process. It will take a while. The facts may be as they are, but it's ok to be distressed; you don't have to just dust yourself off and immediately move on, indeed it's not possible for most people. It's only been a month, and you had 16 years.

You can take little steps, though, when you're ready. Make a list of the practical things you need to do, even if you don't have the strength to do them yet.

Is there anywhere you can go where you have family or friends who care about you ? Because you could do with some support.

I'm sorry you feel so awful tonight. brew

SolidGoldBrass Fri 28-Aug-15 01:52:38

I am sorry you feel so bad, but everyone has the right to leave a relationship that is not making him/her happy. All he is obliged to do is sort out the separation of your finances, and do so in a fair and civilised manner.

He doesn't have any right to decide where you should live, or who you should talk to, though. FOr the moment, concentrate on what you want, where you would like to live, etc, and start making plans for a new life. You are still young at 37. Good luck, take it step by step.

LadyB49 Fri 28-Aug-15 02:17:06

You are still grieving g,for the loss of what you thought you had. Gp doesn't sound much help, can you see a different doctor in the practice, asK for NHS Counselling. See a solicitor who will sort out the practicalities for you. See CAB who will advise on benefits.you won't be alone, there sill be support.
And show this pain in the bum that you are not lost without him!!
You will think that you're of strong enough, fear not. Trust me, so I will do it with guidance.

britneyspearscatsuit Fri 28-Aug-15 04:01:56

Oh Op. I am so sorry.

I have been where you are. Four days before my 36th birthday. No other woman but he also left very suddenly and gave me a chance to participate in any way with the decsion. He came to me with a fait accompli (I did not even get a months notice...it was around 7 minutes from bombdrop to leaving, and I had no say in the matter. I was also overseas as I had moved for his job, also isolated, and he also blamed me for this that I had become too dependent on him. Such a similar story.

I have no words at 3am which can adequately describe the horror, which it is and every words of your post remind me of how I felt.

When you get married you hve made a contract to be married. You have a moral, legal and ethical responsibility to allow the other person to participate in everything -including giving them some chance to work on the marriage if it comes into problems. Via counselling, via talking, via time given to work on it. I don't care what...but no...you have absolutely no fucking right in the world to agree to be married to someone, commit to "life" with them and then meet someone else and change your mind without consulting the other party. Of all the contracts we enter into in life, the contract of marriage is the only one not worth the paper it is written on. And while I no, do not want unhappy people to stay in unhappy marriages I do think it's fair to at least acknowledge that your right to be given a chance to work on a 16 year marriage is greater than his right to fuck off with his new girlfriend. You have been robbed in ways no one should be and it is bloody unfair.

It's late, I am tired, but I promise you that it does get better and get bearable. Please keep posting here. I will come back tomorrow and check on you


SomeonesRealName Fri 28-Aug-15 06:02:55

Great post Britney I completely agree and am so sorry that happened to you. Oxcat1 you have come to the right place for support through this awful time. Many of us have been through it and a lot of us have come out the other side. Have you heard of www.chumplady.com? Check it out it helped me a lot. Hugs.

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