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Please help me get over my fucked up marriage and narcissistic ex(long)

(8 Posts)
mountainlake Wed 26-Aug-15 20:20:29

I have separated with my alcoholic ex nearly 3 years ago. We have one DD.
We had a phase of getting back together, when he was stringing me along and making short term amends, but it all ended nowhere as he came back to his old habits and cheated on me with a much younger girl. I gave him the last chance but he ‘realised’ he doesn’t love me anymore and decided to ‘stay single’ (according to my knowledge, in reality he is in an open relationship with this new girl).
After first couple of months, which were horrid, I got my life back on track. The ‘getting back together’ bit and then his affair took it all away and I am back to square one.
I was trying every possible thing, both good and bad, to ‘focus’ on myself. I managed to rebuild my social life, I am quite active, I have an established circle of friends and a good job. So, in general, busy life.
It’s been nearly 3 years since he moved out, so I tried dating as well. Met a couple of men, but they were not good matches for me; had a couple of no strings arrangements but it only left me even more bitter. It seems that all the men I meet either want sex only, or are attached. The only guy I met and really liked was married (!). I cannot even find myself a decent fuckbuddy because all the ones that would suit me reveal at some point that they are actually not single.

I try my best not to think of ex, I cut him out of my life BUT I cannot get over what he did to me and to our family. I have days or even weeks when I am focused on my and DD’s life but still he takes just too much of my headspace. I am agonising and analysing everything, time and again. I suppose that even my friends are sometimes tired of listening about it all.
The truth is that I know objectively that I am better off without him, I realised in our time apart that he is not only an alcoholic but also narcissistic person, which helped me understand most of his behaviour and abuse towards me. I am getting counselling, friends help with listening to me – or helping me not to think of it all… Still, it all seems to be not enough!

I try to avoid contact with ex or that girl as much as possible, blocked them both on FB and even blocked some joint ‘friends’, avoid places and situations when I could bump into any of them, I see him only when I have to because of DD.

It is better when I do not see him at all, like now. I haven’t seen him for nearly a month because of his and now my holiday…. But DD talks on skype with him sometimes and when I hear him, I have nasty physical symptoms such as stomach ache and I need toilet. In sleep I keep dreaming about him regularly, too. Both in a good and in a bad way.

Sometimes, when I am down and weak, I have a sneak peak on that girls FB through friends account(s)… today I did and noticed she is boasting about going on exotic holiday with her ‘mr perfect’ as she called him… I also noticed that she posted a picture of them two redecorating OUR flat… the flat I chose and help him to decorate when we were getting back together, as the investment and prospective family home. He lives there now, DD stays there overnight.
He even had the guts to take that girl to meet our common friends, married couple– they were more his friends than mine, so took his side and the guy even told me we split because of ‘what sort of person I was’… and posted pics of their happy get together. Another person I had to block. I even came off FB for a couple of months but came back as it is the only way to stay in regular contact with family and friends in my home country – I have no family in the UK.

All our long term friends are on ‘my side’ and are just civil with him and supportive towards me. All said that this girl will be a short term thing but it seems like its nearly a year and they still meet. I have loads of anger towards her as she knew we were trying to patch things up and she still pursued him. I cannot stand the fact that they live happy couple life now and do the things we used to do, and I am all lonely and with my mind all fucked up. I know that they probably won’t last long term as he didn’t change his spots… but I feel deeply hurt, disappointed and humiliated. I feel so sorry and angry that they both stole the family life form my DD; she had hopes we will be back together, she loves her dad to bits, and instead of having him full time, she can see him only once a week.

My DD is dreaming of a family life, siblings, she keeps nagging me about ‘mummy you should get a boyfriend’ or being upset that she is the only child she knows who has no siblings. She is only 9 but I think she is just too mature for her age because of what she has seen and heard, she knows I am unhappy and lonely and is expressing it that way.
There is also that massive fear that it is just too late for that, for new family and stable family life for us both, any new children. I am 36. It will take ages before I meet anyone and get serious enough to think of a family. I loved ex so much, we had so many good years together before he had shown his true colours. I invested so much in our marriage and came out with almost nothing after 13 years…

In a perfect scenario I would like to finally meet someone decent, who I could have a relationship with. I miss family life so much… I miss intimacy so much, its horrible not be be touched by someone in a loving way for so long. I know though I must focus on myself and my confidence BEFORE I start even thinking about any new man.

My self-esteem is very low. I had to force myself into all that dating because I feel so rubbish about my looks. I am one of these pretty face but very overweight ladies… and although I did make some amends re my looks, still there is a long way ahead. Exes ‘girl’ is 10 years younger and slimmer, not more attractive and, according to my friends, uglier and not as nice or funny as I am… but he still chose her… and I keep comparing myself to her and in those really bad moments I keep coming to conclusion I must be worth nothing if he ‘chose’ someone like her over me.

I finally want to get over it all, him, her. I want nothing more than getting my life back on track, and regaining control over my emotions. I am so, so tired of being in this state of mind. Please help me.

What steps should I take to finally get over it, to feel nothing more than indifference towards them. Is it possible at all?

QuiteLikely5 Wed 26-Aug-15 20:29:18

I think you need to accept that this man was bad. Emotionally dysfunctional. Therefore creating a terrible environment for your daughter to grow up in.

The girl, don't blame her, your ex was telling her things that kept her waiting, things you don't or will never know and will never need to know.

The vision you had for your future was shattered but that's ok because better times are waiting for you.

You can't let go because you keep looking back, stop that today and look forward. Don't you realise you are wasting emotional energy? They aren't. They are living life.

Forgiveness is the best form of self interest.


wickedlazy Wed 26-Aug-15 20:43:29

He wanted her because she puts up with his shit!

Does she know they're in an open relationship?

You need to focus on you. What makes you feel good. And learn to love yourself. Then if you meet someone you like, you'll let them love you too! And you'll expect more this time round, and cut you loses quicker. Which is good, raise the barr. Sounds like these two deserve each other tbh. Leave them to it, and enjoy your life.

wickedlazy Wed 26-Aug-15 20:44:55

Yes, look forward, not back. And stay positive, after being messed about by this eejit, the only way is up!

3mum Wed 26-Aug-15 21:25:13

You are 36? Good heavens woman you have a ton of life ahead of you to enjoy! I'm 20 years older than you and found out my exTwunt was cheating on 2011. He has recently married one of the women he was cheating on me with. Do I care? Do I hell!

Less flippantly, lots of us on this topic have been where you are now. The anger at the wasted life, the loneliness, the concern at the impact on your DC. Been there, got the T shirt.

Does it help if I tell you that the way you feel is absolutely normal and absolutely right for where you are at this point?

You were betrayed by the person who should have cherished you the most in the world. Of course you feel sad and angry and you question yourself. Unlike him you are not a shallow, selfish person. One thing I learned the hard way is that, no matter how hard you try to pick yourself up and carry on, the feelings keep coming until they are done. When you are ready they will start to fade and he will become just someone from your past.

For a long time I thought that my bitterness and anger would never go. Now I can honestly say that I am indifferent to him and his women and that the life I live now is more varied and authentic and suits me much better than the life I had when I was with him.

You can help yourself through this process by keeping busy and trying lots of new things which interest you, particularly things which you would never have done with your ex. Some of them will be just a short term distraction, that doesn't matter because no knowledge is ever wasted. I have ended up working with charities and with women's support groups, two things which my ex would have despised as a waste of time. I love it and I find real value in it and because they appreciate me and the contribution I bring, that helps me too. Personally I'd say don't rush into another relationship. You are complete as you are even if society tells us otherwise.

You will get past this stage, as thousands of women in your position have done. Believe that and believe that envy day is just a little better than the day before and then work to make it that way.

Wando Wed 26-Aug-15 22:06:27

You must look forward.

It is hard and will be hard for some time but it will get easier.

Try and find comfort in friends/family or even a new activity.

Keep posting

mountainlake Thu 27-Aug-15 00:52:48

I know I need to look forward. Enjoy life with DD, not to think we are any less than a family without him. I know it but at times I just don't feel it and keep thinking about it all. I try all sorts of distraction, reading, movies, going out. But these thoughts still creep on. Like today, I went to the cinema with a friend, had a nice evening but now I am in my bed trying to sleep and despite being tired I cannot. If I listen to any music, I will cry. And often I need to get up to work after such a nearly sleepless and teary night. It looks like mind knows one thing and heart another. I am probably codependent, it is like addiction, all that sick 'love' and obsessing over him and his happy life.... and thinking why I wasn't good enough? Why, even though I tried so hard to be a good wife and keep him happy, why I wasn't enough...

Wando Thu 27-Aug-15 06:25:02

It will get easier but it does take a long time. You sound like you are doing a lot of the right things in keeping busy/ seeing friends etc - keep close to them and keep pushing forward.

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