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Can you please read this list......

(32 Posts)
stablemabel Wed 26-Aug-15 15:03:54

Is any of this what you would describe in any way shape or form EA? If I put it in point form it might be easier to understand. (there is no or very little mega stuff mostly subtle stuff)

1) Getting silent (not refusing to answer just not talking) treatment.
2) Appearing very cross and sulky when spoken to.
3) partner Not wanting to engage in conversation about a problem/issue says 'it's a bad time, I'm tired' when YOU want to try and sort a problem. No suggestion as to what might be a good time or no further approach to subject by partner, therefore nothing resolved.
4) Being ordered in a cross voice to do something when you have done nothing wrong or not omitted to do something.
5) Not being supportive in disciplining children or encouraging (older) children to help around the house when partner is tired and could do with help.
6) Being told 'I thought you would have done xyz' when no one has asked you to do xyz in the first place.

7)Partner knows you have something to do, tells you he will do it later that day. No sign of it getting done and you say in normal tone 'are you doing xyz or shall I?' Partner says 'I'll do it if you want me to' (no, I had said earlier I was going to do it - you offered confused) the procedes to let you no the job is a pain and let's get it out of the way.

8) Forgetting to do a very important job that partner normally does, partner has asked for it to be done and left a reminder note. There is no apology to partner that the job was not done or forgotten, as if it wasn;t that important.

9) Being told to F Off in an argument infront of children (teens).

10) Ignoring partner's health issues or showing very little just not asking 'oh how did you get on at doc, optician or whatever today?' when it is known you have a problem with something.Perhaps asking days or weeks later or not at all.

11) Regularly being told you shouldn't moan/get upset/feel frustrated whe you may have good reason too. Being told you are being negative when you are being realistic/practical.

12)Not offering to help partner, when you are in a position to do so when you know they are tired.

As I say it's mostly subtle ( I think or it might be me being too close to the wood!!) and between this there is lovely behaviour. But when I read this as if someone else had wrote it I am thinking 'you poor woman'

loveyoutothemoon Wed 26-Aug-15 16:23:38

It does sound like it tbh. Has he always been like this, is it all the time?

JustOneMinuteAtATime Wed 26-Aug-15 16:27:04

I'm not sure if it's EA, or just him being a twat, but it sounds like a really rubbish relationship and I'd leave. There is certainly no love lost between you.

rouxlebandit Wed 26-Aug-15 16:36:21

He's desperately unhappy; would like to escape but hasn't the courage. Do you feel the same?

FadedRed Wed 26-Aug-15 16:37:12

What Justoneminute said. Sounds a pretty joyless situation.
What does you partner bring to the relationship? From what you say, Op, you are alone except for a constant cloud of misery around you. Maybe life would seem less oppressive without this negativity.

Shutthatdoor Wed 26-Aug-15 16:42:57

He's desperately unhappy; would like to escape but hasn't the courage.

I agree

Wando Wed 26-Aug-15 16:52:55

You both sound very unhappy. Do you ever talk openly about this?

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable Wed 26-Aug-15 17:00:37

What difference would it make if we said it was EA?

Wando Wed 26-Aug-15 17:20:51

The most important aspect is what do you and your partner want. Do either of you know?

kittensinmydinner Wed 26-Aug-15 17:35:43

Agree with Ketchup, why do you need a label ? Either way you both sound like you are having a fairly joyless time of it and need to do something positive to improve the relationship or separate. Doesn't matter one jot if he's 'EA' or not - you don't need to come up with a category to allow you to change /leave .

loveyoutothemoon Wed 26-Aug-15 17:49:21

Can you get him to leave for a few days for you both to have a think about things and where it's going?

Smilingforth Wed 26-Aug-15 19:41:01

Loveyoutothemoons point is a good one; you need time and space to think.

Could an alternative be that you get away for a day or two?

Smilingforth Wed 26-Aug-15 19:48:54

Or perhaps just get of the house for the whole day

Sleepyhoglet Wed 26-Aug-15 20:24:00

What is EA?

Wando Wed 26-Aug-15 22:19:53

Emotional abuse

ItsOnlyACake Wed 26-Aug-15 23:16:04

I would say that most of them are definitely EA and indeed recognise them from my own relationship which I am now attempting to leave

lavenderhoney Wed 26-Aug-15 23:46:54

i too am thinking " you poor woman" op.

What's the straw that's broken the camels back? Or is it all happening too close together now?

rouxlebandit Thu 27-Aug-15 07:42:59

I agree that giving this man's behaviour a label is immaterial. The joy has gone for both of you. His way of dealing with it is to withdraw into himself and avoid confrontation and the prospect of the relationship ending or going through a long and upsetting process of trying to save it. You, on the other hand by posting here, demonstrate that you have the courage to take action.

Peppasmate Thu 27-Aug-15 09:21:39

Your dp sounds very like my dp.

Ultimately you have to chose, can you live with being treated as he treats you?

The whole EA issue? Possibly but the behaviour & how it affects you is relevant not what it's called.

If your dp won't talk, you need to think how you will move forward. Separate? Counselling?


IamtheDevilsAvocado Thu 27-Aug-15 09:50:25

It doesn't sound much fun! It would make me beyond angry to be treated with such contempt.

I think singly they can be explained by general self centredness/twatishness .. But as a totality I would feel that I was being emotionally abused.

Do you want to stay in this relationship?

It's now probably good to sit down with a pen and pad.
What are you getting out of it?
Do you want to stay if he will still be like this at 60?
How much happier would you feel he changed?
Ask yourself these type of questions.

Do you want to go to relate?

Wando Thu 27-Aug-15 10:52:45

Give yourself time to work through all of this. Ask yourself does your DP want to change?

happymummyone Thu 27-Aug-15 10:57:34

Not abusive, he just sounds fed up, as do you.

imjustahead Thu 27-Aug-15 11:07:06

what's the story, how long has this been going on.

sometimes it means they are thinking about leaving, so start being an arse to set it up. or they are having an affair.

or depressed.

Wando Thu 27-Aug-15 12:56:38

The worst thing you can do is ignore this - you must both talk about it and soon

ShortandSweeter Thu 27-Aug-15 13:14:11

why do you need to label it as anything? If you're not happy, then split up.

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