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Thinking about leaving DP...

(64 Posts)
NameChanged150 Tue 25-Aug-15 16:26:37

Just that really. He is a brilliant Dad to our 3 children but we had been split up quite a while then decided to give it another go and had another baby who is now 1month. I feel like I miss my life before we got back together.

He hasn't done anything wrong and is very supportive and loving. I love him very much and I know this doesn't make sense but I think I mistook loving him with wanting to be with him. It might just be emotions with the new baby and it would be a massive upheaval for our 6yr old considering we've only just moved back in.

Should I give it more time? Or do I tell him how I feel?

Myturnnow4 Tue 25-Aug-15 16:37:28

Would you consider counselling?

pocketsaviour Tue 25-Aug-15 16:39:38

I feel like I miss my life before we got back together.

What do you miss specifically? More alone time? If so can you negotiate that as part of the relationship?

ImperialBlether Tue 25-Aug-15 16:41:14

If he is okay with you, I'd wait until I'd come out of the baby haze before making such a life changing decision, tbh.

UrethraFranklin1 Tue 25-Aug-15 16:47:47

Seriously? You love him, he's great, you just had another baby, and yo think you might leave...because you preferred being single?
Well that seems a good enough reason to mess your children around, deprive them of a full time father, force your partner away from his children, and destroy the family. hmm

NameChanged150 Tue 25-Aug-15 16:48:00

Before we got back together I liked how it was just me and the children but he was always close by and involved. For birthdays we'd all go out as a family and I'm not sure how to say it but I just enjoyed not being with him.

He wanted to be with me and after a spate of family occasions where we were both there and our son playing for a football team so every week spending time together I thought I wanted to be with him too. Plus there's always been pressure from his family and my own, my Mum thinks I'm lucky to have him. I think I'm lucky to have him as my children's Dad but I don't think I want him to be my partner/husband if you know what I mean.

NameChanged150 Tue 25-Aug-15 16:55:23

You might be right urethra maybe I should stay with him for our children.

UrethraFranklin1 Tue 25-Aug-15 16:58:13

ITs not as simple as that, no, but you seem rather flippant about it, and you barely mention the effect it will have on anyone but YOU. You don't have to stay in an unhappy relationship, but you do need to think about the bigger picture as well.

Zanymummy Tue 25-Aug-15 17:00:18

So what is it that you miss about being single? were you being wined and dined by what seemed to be interesting men? perhaps you both need to inject a little fun and mystery into the just you time when no kids about which i know is next too impossible with a 1 month old,
It could also be a touch of PND but don't leave just now until you are sure of your mind and more importantly the damage it may cause the 6 year old, visit a therapist both singly and as a couple,

NameChanged150 Tue 25-Aug-15 17:11:47

I didn't mean to be as blunt as that sounded. I mean because I'm not treated badly and I don't dislike my partner then for now at least until I've settled down emotionally I can stay, putting our children first.

I wasn't being wined and dined and to be honest most of my time was spent either looking after our children, working or washing. It wasn't glamorous I just have a sinking feeling like I shouldn't have got back with him, I shouldn't have messed him about and what effect this will have on our eldest.

NameChanged150 Tue 25-Aug-15 17:16:12

I dread him coming home from work and I'm pleased when he goes out with his friends or to football or whatever. At this moment I feel like I really don't want to be with him. I don't regret having children with him I kept thinking during the pregnancy it was just my emotions, he'll be brilliant and I'll properly love him again and now I'm disappointed that it hasn't.

Myturnnow4 Tue 25-Aug-15 17:20:07

Counselling would help you explore these feelings. Perhaps it's just a case of hormones and some little tweaks, or perhaps you really would be better off apart. Either way counselling can support you both through this. I wish my ex had done this rather than letting it get so bad that things went beyond repair sad

Myturnnow4 Tue 25-Aug-15 17:20:36

I dread him coming home from work

What do you actually dread?

kittensinmydinner Tue 25-Aug-15 17:23:43

I think you have hit it on the head. 'what effect is this having on your DS ?' really ? you split up from his dad, you then continue to see him and play happy families, you get back together and intentionally have another child, now you decide you prefer being single. ? So to me, I'm sorry it sounds like every thing is about you. How about your DP and your child ? are you perhaps someone who likes the thrill of the chase and is bored the moment life is stable. You need to see a counsellor and explore why you are doing this and why ?

kittensinmydinner Tue 25-Aug-15 17:24:56

dsd not dad !!

Gymbunny1204 Tue 25-Aug-15 17:25:56

How was your life more glamorous without him?

TendonQueen Tue 25-Aug-15 17:30:15

Is this a sex thing? You like having him around for family time and he's a good dad but you don't want to have sex with him? The 'dread him coming home' makes it sound like he treats you badly. Does he?

fuzzywuzzy Tue 25-Aug-15 17:30:26

OP how would you feel if you split up again and he got together with another partner.

He will not be single forever and nearby for you to do family things wen you choose.

think you need counselling as PP's have suggested. Don't rush into anything.

NameChanged150 Tue 25-Aug-15 18:06:11

Right now I feel like I'd like him to be with someone who adores him. He doesn't treat me badly at all but I hate him touching me or kissing me and there's no way I could have sex with him.

I don't think I enjoyed the chase. He started constantly asking to give him another chance and his family were the same then my Mum was saying what a good Dad he is and he deserves a chance. I'm a grown woman so this is stupid but I felt steamrollered and convinced myself that being together was the right decision for our family. I've always loved the idea of my children having a Mum and Dad together.

I know I'm coming across very self centred.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

googoodolly Tue 25-Aug-15 19:03:13

It seems to me like you just want some space. Not necessarily from the relationship but just some time where you're not being hassled by DC or expected to talk to your DP when he gets home?

I know you have a young baby but maybe it's worth leaving DP with the DC for a day occasionally and getting some proper space. Go to town, read a book, take a bath - whatever, just get some space? You say you dread him coming home but not because he treats you badly - could it just be that you're tired and don't want a fourth person to give your attention to after you've spent all day with three small children?

NameChanged150 Tue 25-Aug-15 19:47:26

The last time I was single I was a single Mum to 2dcs and it was hard sometimes but this is harder trying to pretend I'm a happy girlfriend/mum.

I'll give it more time.

Wando Tue 25-Aug-15 22:45:51

Your mind will be everywhere at the moment with a one month old. Please don't make any hasty decisions you could regret.

googoodolly Wed 26-Aug-15 07:31:26

I think it's also important to acknowledge that your DP is obviously madly in love with you and that probably played a big part in how helpful he was when you were split up. Not that he wouldn't be a good dad otherwise, but I'm sure a lot of the "family days out" were so that he could spend time with you as well as with his DC.

If you were to split for good, I think things between you would be quite different. He would do what every other NRP does - have the DC alternate weekends/the odd evening in the week and go off with them on his own. You won't get all the cosy family days out you had last time, especially if either of you move on with a new partner.

That's not to say you should stay with him if you don't want to, but you seem to be imagining this ideal life where he's there to do the fun stuff with you but not for the rest of it. I just think the future would be very different if you'd both moved on.

NameChanged150 Wed 26-Aug-15 13:34:06

I think it would be different too but he is a good person and I feel like he deserves more. It's my fault I've made a huge stupid mistake and I should have listened to my gut at the time and I love my baby I don't regret him but I shouldn't have had him if that makes sense.

I know I come across like I don't care about the effect it would have on him and our dcs but I do I just feel so lonely. I thought it would be OK because I want a perfect family and he really is a good guy now. A long time ago now he wasn't a good person which is why we broke up. He has matured into a very kind lovely man and father and I do worry that if we broke up he'd be so hurt he would revert back. I don't know though I just hate this feeling.

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