Is it over?

[Whattodo2010]

Hi guys.

It's my first time on here. I'm so confused about where to go from here (yet I know what I want?!) about my boyfriend of 15 years. We have a 5 1/2 year old son together and i basically had to give him an ultimatum to have him. He doesn't want to get married, although he did give me a ring years ago and just handed it to me and said here, it's kinda like we're engaged but we're not going to get married - thanks. I know have been unhappy for years but have only just realised it in the past year or so.

I was 17/18 when we got together and he was my first. I was pressured into this relationship as he fell really hard and fast and was very possessive. Didn't like me going out with my friend, even just round to her house. He was very jealous of her. He'd have a few drinks and cry about how I loved her more than him. He would be drunk and run into middle of roads just for attention. Punch windows etc. I knew it was just an insecurity thing, so I stopped seeing my friend. Anyway things got better once I wasn't going out and years passed. He had no problem with me working. When I had my son, I was obviously over the moon and still am, love my baby more than anything. I've just realised lately that I've never been happy.

I just look at my life (everything apart from my son) and think this is it. I love where I live and since having my boy reconnected with my friend which I am so grateful for.

He doesn't listen when me and my son talk, he's always on the Internet, even when we are doing things as a family.

The years leading up to my son were just full of us going out with friends, friends coming over, a lot of drunk nights and partying, but we were always together. A bit of a blur really. He's not challenging enough for me any more. I think I've finally grown out of this relationship and have never felt any passion. I kind of just went along with things. I've always been a shy person who would never say what I felt just I case it would upset him.

I do feel affection for him and he does make me laugh - he really is a good guy, and I don't want to hurt him. This is not his fault in any way. I just feel like I'm living the life he wants, not what I want.

I've started to make some small changes to my life like going to the gym with my sister, and so far I've lost 4st and never had a compliment from him. I go to hug him and he'll put his arm across his chest, give a quick one armed hug and then push me away. Can't remember the last time we kissed. I say I need new trousers/leggings as they don't fit now and all he has to say is you'll have to stop going to the gym then if it's costing. You use too much petrol anyway. But I get the gym for free, so no costs there.

I am a stay at home parent and love looking after my son, and have been looking into training for a carers job. I just want to make my own life now. I've considered leaving, making myself happy. I look at my life and all of the people in it and apart from my one friend and my family, everyone I know is through him. All his friends. It scares me to think that it's going to be like this forever

Sorry this is so long and if this doesn't make sense. I've just typed as it came into my head. Any advise?

[loveyoutothemoon]

Find the strength to leave him and create an opportunity of happiness. Life is too short. He sounds awful but it's all you know! Time to make a new start.

[Whattodo2010]

I just don't know where to start. I'm a stay at home mum of 1, no savings, and my family loves him! I think that scares me more than anything, that my family will be so disappointed in me.

[loveyoutothemoon]

You will get financial help from the government. If your family love you they will understand. Do you really want a lifetime of this? Or do you think things will change?

[pictish]

Do your family know he stopped you seeing your friend, used to run into the road for attention, doesn't show you any affection and that you're miserable?
I'm sure they wouldn't see you in a relationship that simply isn't working no matter how much they happen to like him.

[loveyoutothemoon]

Spot on pictish

[ImperialBlether]

How depressing it must be to live with him! You need new leggings so he tells you to stop going to the gym! I've never heard anything so daft.

Once you have a child I think you find new strengths and you become determined to have a good life for the sake of that child, if not for yourself.

You have a lot of insight. You are living the life he wants you to lead, not the life you want. Now is the time to live the life you want.

Does he work? Who cares for your child? Do you work full time? Have you looked up on Entitled To to see what you'd get if you lived alone?

Never mind what your family thinks. If they like him so much they can live with him.

Lucky you have your lovely friend. You need to sit with her and ask her to help you plan to get out of this miserable relationship.

Best of luck - you'll feel like you're on holiday once you're away from him.

[CalmYourselfTubbs]

i would end it.
i think your family would be more disappointed if you spent the rest of your life unhappy with this douche.
agree with above, you'll feel much better once you ditch him.

[AcrossthePond55]

You know what you need to do. Do you have access to any money to enable you to leave? Do you have family or friends who will be there for you? Can you move home?

Thank your lucky stars that you never married this man!

[Verypissedoffwife]

You sound as though you already know you'll be happier without him. Family and friends always say they like your partner when you're still together. You may well find this changes once you split up.

You will get financial assistance from the government. Plus he'll have to pay child support.

If you google "turn2us" (I think it's called) you can use the benefits checker to work out what you'd be entitled to.

[pocketsaviour]

What everyone else said, but just wanted to add:

Do NOT train as a carer, unless you are actually talking about becoming a Healthcare Assistant or similar. Care work is not much more than minimum wage and by the time you've added on your travel it's usually well under. You're on a zero hour contract so you've no security and no guarantee of earnings. Additionally it sounds like you feel quite isolated; care work will not help with that unless you're in a care home rather than delivering in-home care (which is by far the greater amount of work available.)

You come across as self-aware, literate and intelligent. I am sure you will be able to find something where you have security and would meet more colleagues and widen your social circle.

[goldiesoxx]

Well done with the weightloss!

I'd also recommend you consider other careers as I've had relatives who have needed carers and they've all hate their jobs (well the overworked - underpaid- zero contract aspect)

Personally I think you've wasted enough time on this man. You are young and have so much ahead of you, don't miss out on life because of him. Get rid of him, get new leggings and have a great life with your little one. Good luck!

[loveyoutothemoon]

Caring in the community isn't minimum wage, caring in a home is. It's an amazing job.

[Namechanger2015]

When I left my husband I was so worried about what my family would think, but once they knew how I had been living they were very supportive. If you have a good relationship with them and they love you, have some faith in their support. Most members of any family would want to see their daughter/aunt/mum/cousin happy and would support you in this. Good luck. X

[Whattodo2010]

I don't work but my mum has a spare room but no beds, I could work something out, they wouldn't see me out on the street. I suppose it's not the financial side that's daunting, it's just having the courage to make it happen. And then there's regrets to think about. Will I regret this decision? Will I regret it if I don't do it? All I know is I feel like I have just woken up and seeing things for what they are and I don't like what I see, I just want to feel happier and not sure if this is the right decision. I think to myself if someone told me what I've told you, I would say get out, move on and make a life you want. Its just making that first step.

[Namechanger2015]

Do you think he would try counselling?
I would recommend having a read of Should I Stay or Should I Go by Lundy Bancroft.

I found it really useful in talking me through my decision to leave, and the (many) ways in which you can see if the relationship can be saved.

[lampshady]

Just to say, private care for one or two clients is relatively well paid and usually fixed shifts. You can do this self employed or as an employee. With local authorities moving more and more to direct payments for those needing care it can be hugely enjoyable if you gel with your clients. Look at personal assistant jobs for disabled clients.