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39 yr old daughter hates me, always has

(76 Posts)
NMMom Fri 21-Aug-15 23:45:36

I have never posted to a group before, so I hope not to make any mistakes. I am 59 yrs old, live alone. I have a 39 yr old daughter and a 23 yr old son. The nuts and bolts of what I am dealing with is my daughter hates me, and as far back as I can remember, always has. I was a single mom, but had a steady full time man in my life, who was with her when she grew up. He was great, she has no problem with him. It has always been me. I have two grandchildren by her, granddaughter 12 and grandson 14. She has never felt any remorse or told me she was sorry for anything she has done to me. She tells me she hates me, she has hit me so hard, I could not lay down for a month. This last month, she came to my house looking for the grand children because she was mad at them. I was sitting in my room watching a movie when she came in. She grabbed my grand daughter, and began. I tried to push her off of her, and she hit me, then went back to the girl. I again pushed her off, and she came after me again. She screamed at me I hate your guts, and hit me one last time before leaving because she knew the police were coming. My neighbors heard the commotion. The police didnt do anything. It was a farce in that regard, but what I dont understand is the degree of anger and hate she shows me, and how out of control she is with the kids. I have blamed myself, changed about everything I can, never beat her, never spoke down to her. I always have been the one who goes to her, and has to either say I'm sorry, (often even when I dont even know what I am sorry for) or have to act like it never happened. After she left, she txted me and said If I try to contact the kids or her again, "She will abandon me for the rest of my life". It feels like she never cared enough to even abandon me now. My relationship with my grand kids is great, but it is very limited. My daughter has told them so many stories about me, that I dont know what they think. She says one thing, but they see how I am and it does not match. Its as if her memories are a mirror. She is in a room full of mirrors which reflect the original image over and over again. So one incident becomes 100. I hope you understand what I mean. I am so sad, and at such a loss right now. Many of the stories she has told the kids never even happened. I know, she probably has some mental thing, but I cant help myself trying to make or do something so I can have my daughter, and grand children. It is killing me.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Fri 21-Aug-15 23:51:57

Your her mom, why are you walking on eggshells? ... seriously you should be on an even footing, stop apologising, stop making first contact, for her to show respect, you have to expect it.

mrstweefromtweesville Sat 22-Aug-15 02:22:47

Get help. Talk to the police now, while there is no emergency, and make them aware that your daughter is violent and that when you say you need help, you really need it. Get counselling to help you deal with your daughter's behaviour and raise your own self-esteem.

Micah Sat 22-Aug-15 02:43:59

Does she hit her own children in the same way?

Smilingforth Sat 22-Aug-15 06:00:04

There is a risk to your grandchildren - you can't just let this lie. Talk to the police

pallasathena Sat 22-Aug-15 09:56:19

She has serious anger issues with you. Very likely, its to do with resentment and unhappiness with herself and her life. By treating you with unbridled contempt, she's acting out that anger, that resentment and blaming you for not having the life she thinks she should have. Its convenient isn't it? you never retaliate, you always apologise and allow her to 'win'.

Stop allowing yourself to be treated so disrespectfully. If necessary, go non-contact. The grandchildren can make up their own minds now, they're not babies and they're smarter than you know. Have faith that they'll be supportive and understanding.

I'd ease your daughter out of your life temporarily and use the space and time to reassert your dignity and sense of worth.

Its important your grandchildren learn from you that you can't treat people with contempt and expect to have a meaningful relationship.

springydaffs Sat 22-Aug-15 10:37:34

This is domestic abuse. I have also experienced it and, as you say, it kills you.

You sound like you're from across the pond. Where I live the police are very knowledgeable about domestic abuse from 'children' (both minors and adult children) and, in my case, acted quickly.

Unfortunately, there is very little info around about abuse of this kind (largely because society's default is to blame the parent) - but try googling 'abuse from children' or some such. You will get reams of sites about abuse OF children but somewhere in there you may find something. Imo we are in the early days of what I think will become much more prominent in future decades.

The same rules apply as with an abusive partner. Perhaps familiarise yourself with how domestic abuse works, the components of it, so you can begin to understand the dynamic. Yes, it is deeply painful that it is your own child doing it to you. A pp is right that it is about their own disatisfaction/entitlement but that is no excuse . She is an adult and it is for her to take responsibility for her own life and choices. You are not a punchbag, either verbally or physically.

I don't know what the law is like where you live but she should have been prosecuted for her violence towards you. ime in very similar circumstances my daughter responded very badly to legal intervention (though not a prosecution in my case) and this is the risk you run ie losing her (as I have lost my daughter) - you are between a rock and a hard place. BUT you have to a make a choice: continue placating your emotional terrorist daughter or set some boundaries: she may never respond to them in an appropriate way but imo it is important to uphold them.

I am also concerned for her children. She may well have a personality disorder - in which case, the future is bleak not only for your relationship but for her children. She may respond to boundaries - your ONLY choice. There may be hope.

(As you can see, I don't have much hope. But I have to hope, though it's hard.)

springydaffs Sat 22-Aug-15 10:48:07

By the way, her father was the same ie an abuser. I got him out of my life (and heart) but it is not possible to get my own child out of my heart. That's the agony.

schlong Sat 22-Aug-15 16:52:46

What are your daughter's reasons for hating you op? The way you spin it she's a raging harpy and rebel without a cause. You say many of the things she's told your GC never took place which means some did. If an adult child is resentful towards a parent there's usually a reason. What's hers?

Atenco Sat 22-Aug-15 17:20:15

If an adult child is resentful towards a parent there's usually a reason

Actually this is not my experience. Though obviously there are all too many people who have had shit and abusive parents, they are still a small minority and are often the ones who show the least resentment towards their parents.

IMHO, some people just can never accept responsibility for their own actions and mistakes, while amateur psychology tells us that all our flaws are the fault of our parents.

pallasathena Sat 22-Aug-15 17:42:10

Totally agree Atenco. I know of an adult 'kid', who abuses his parents financially, emotionally, verbally and he refuses to engage in acceptable behaviour at home. His parents are in despair about it. And they're decent, hardworking parents too.

We call him the domestic terrorist because that's what he is - at home. Outside? Sweetness and light and butter wouldn't melt.

There are some nasty, entitled adult kids out there and its not always the parents fault either.

LovesPeace Sat 22-Aug-15 18:40:32

My mother has the same problem, and frequently cries to any sucker who'll listen that 'I'm an old woman, I can't afford to support three people on my pension' meaning my sibling and I.
People are, of course horrified. Except that last year, she bought me a knitting book, a scarf, and joined me onto her AA Membership. Not quite 'support'. That was it. The more sympathy she gets for the lies, the more she hams it up. I
I'd walk away, except she's old, and alone. My sibling and I have discussed her - and neither of us are willing to care for her as she'd accuse us of all sorts. Abuse, theft, violence, who knows. As long as it gets attention and sympathy she'd happily let us hang for fictitious crimes.

I tell you all this - because that OP is written in the same Victorian melodramatic style.....

I'd say respect your daughter and her children and stay out of her life.

Rarity08 Sat 22-Aug-15 18:52:42

I feel very sorry for you and your grandchildren. I have a friend who has similar with her son, she's so sad all the time, it's very upsetting to see.
I don't know where you live, but do you have the equivalent of our Social Services? Her children sound at risk to me. flowers

springydaffs Sat 22-Aug-15 18:59:17

Yours is the usual experience, Peace (esp on here) and it's not easy for ppl in your position to entertain that abuse can go both ways; that there are some innocent parents out here. I get that.

The'melodramatic' style may well be cultural - op sounds like she's from the states. I've read enough stateside sites that I recognise the style. It may be the same language but we express ourselves so differently.

LovesPeace Sat 22-Aug-15 19:02:30

Oh, I recognise the style, Springy.

I also recognise the dramatic, self pitying hyperbole much better than I'd like to...

CherryPicking Sat 22-Aug-15 19:05:11

There' s something you're not telling us op. Unless she's I'll enough to be institutionalises, as you make her sound, then she can't be acting like this for no reason.

springydaffs Sat 22-Aug-15 19:09:48

Oh yes she can, Cherry sad

Charis1 Sat 22-Aug-15 19:22:03

one of my friends has a daughter like this.

The daughter has made hating her mum into her lifes work.

say 20 years ago, I might have listened with some sympathy, but as the years go by you have to wonder exactly what the daughter is getting out of all this hating. She is an adult, she is competent, she could have taken steps to resolve the situation by now, going NC, or trying to repair the relationship, or some sort of compromise.

Or even just getting on with her life.

But no evidence of anything like that what so ever.

The only conclusion I can come to is the daughter enjoys the hating, and feels it gives her some sort of excuse and validation to do nothing else in her life.

Even if any of her grievances were real, they would not be worth obsessing over even for a week or two, let alone decade after decade.

I have now known the family for over half the daughter's life, and can quite safely say the Mum has done nothing to hurt her in all of that time, and whether she did before or not is very questionable, and not worth the time and energy that this daughter has put into her fantasy. And clearly it is all fantasy. I think she just enjoys it, to be honest. So not a lot you can do.

I would report her to the police for violence though.

Atenco Sat 22-Aug-15 20:07:55

Really LovesPeace and CherryPicking?

The daughter has been physically violent to her mother on more than one occasion, but it must be the mother's fault?

LovesPeace Sat 22-Aug-15 22:16:38

Really Attenco.
Read it properly, between the lines.

Mintyy Sat 22-Aug-15 22:24:23

Is your mother supporting you financially LovesPeace?

Op - you have my sympathies. You allude to an event that your daughter has blown up out of all proportion. Have you discussed this with her? What are the two different versions of the the event?

Atenco Sat 22-Aug-15 22:37:25

she has hit me so hard, I could not lay down for a month


Frankly I think your reading is very coloured by your own experience. One thing is to make out a hard luck story and tell friends and family, another is to come on the internet anonymously.

Oh course, maybe the daughter didn't hit the OP, maybe the daughter doesn't exist, but I can't find what you are seeing, even between the lines.

I presume you don't hit your mother? Or your children

pallasathena Sun 23-Aug-15 09:41:27

Looks like a bit of cognitive dissonance at work here given some posters indignation that they could...shock/ wrong!

Adult abuse exists. By that I mean younger people abusing older people. It happens in care homes, in hospitals, in peoples houses and flats, indeed, it happens everywhere. It happens in families too.

There are some seriously disturbed people out there who inflict all sorts of different types of abuse on others and pretending it doesn't happen to make yourself feel better is hypocritical in the extreme.

LovesPeace Sun 23-Aug-15 12:59:18

Mintty - try actually reading.

fearandloathinginambridge Sun 23-Aug-15 14:07:12

I've read and re-read the OP and I am not getting Victorian melodrama or any sense that the OP is bring disingenuous. I agree with the PP who questioned why someone would need to put a fake hard luck story on the net, where is the pay-off. That sort of manipulation is for real life.

I too have a cousin who treats both of his parents very badly for no reason. I grew up with them and they have never given him reason to hate them so. His life hasn't turned out the way he wanted and he chooses to blame them rather than accept responsibility.

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