I recently went on a date with a lady I have known for some time. We developed a good friendship and we were in constant contact and as we got to know each other better and better we went out on a couple of dates. Everything was going fine and I thought she is very attractive, witty and intelligent and she invited me to stay over at her house after she cooked dinner for us both. This is when I baulked and made a bee-line for the nearest train station. I have done this a couple of times in the past, when a date or friendship has blossomed into something more and then I've not wanted to cross the finish line. I feel like a complete div and rightly so and the lady from the date isn't speaking to me now. I genuinely don't know what causes me in some instances to do this and I regretted it the very moment I stepped out of her front door. I didn't think that night was the right time but I can't for the life of me figure out why that was my train of thought. Making me think is it the thrill of the chase that is more enjoyable than the catch? Which surely is bizarre. Has anyone experienced this before when dating or am I the only div on the planet?
Seems perfectly ok for her to suggest this...you have been friends for a while, in constant contact, and had a few dates. She then cooked dinner for you in her home (in my friends circle this usually means 'action').
However totally ok for you to decline too if you didn't feel like it. Just like it is fine for a woman to say no. Had you done some kissing etc during dinner, or did she suggest it out of the blue? I can see how she might be pissed off if she felt things were leading towards sex, then you suddenly scuttled off.
I assume you have no issue with it being the woman to suggest moving to the next stage? Would it have been better if you had suggested it?
I usually find people who only enjoy the chase tend to disappear AFTER sex has happened. Not just before!
The food was lovely and it was an enjoyable evening. Nothing physical had taken place apart from a peck on the cheek and hug as a greeting/departing gesture. I've never seen the film so I am not influenced by that. I didn't feel comfortable making the first move (and have felt this before on dates) and I think she may have expected me to take the lead. I reckon if the lady had instigated something then you'd be out now shopping for a new hat I wouldn't be on this forum.
The lady and others I have dated have all been attractive and I have had girlfriends in the past. However sometimes I extract myself from situations where anyone else wouldn't. I feel like I cut my nose off sometimes just to spite my face. Instigating, I would say would be cuddling up on the sofa together and kissing, however neither of us took the plunge.
she did nothing wrong at all, I am completely at fault. When she mentioned staying over I made excuses about be up early in the morning and I can't stay late as the trains stopping running soon. etc etc, blah blah.
I doubt it is salvageable but I feel I just can't trust myself again. I may join a monastery or become that weird bloke that is perma-single and couples try not to invite to parties
You actually sound quite cool and self aware. Maybe, unlike most men, you didn't want to sleep with her as you sense she isn't going to be a special relationship. My brother was the same until he got married...he just couldn't see the sense in the flirting, seduction and chase if he wasn't really really excited by the girl. He just couldn't be bothered with it all, so probably let a few girls down in the process.
I wouldn't worry too much. While I dislike men who run after the first sex; you left before the sex, so as long as you didn't lead her on, then perhaps she is just supposed to be a friend.
However if you are now kicking yourself and fantasising about going to bed with her, then you need to re-evaluate your approach! If sex with new people scares you, then maybe you should have more faith in women. Women are really very warm and welcoming you know.
Re salvageable...if you were to (without delay) call her up and invite her to your place for dinner, and to stay over, perhaps with a joke about preferring your own sheets or something...she might at least consider it? She invited you to stay over, and is now not talking to you because you declined...sounds like she is pretty keen to me....
Fron your thread last weekend it was clear that you had no intention of playing nug-a-nug, trout groping, or doing the underpants Charleston with thiis fair damsel last Tuesday.
However, as this 'witty and intelligent' woman asked you whether "is it tru yours is like a babies arm" before planning her dinner menu with you as dessert perhaps you should be asking yourself who's chasing who as it doesn't sound as if she got much of a thrill out of the evening.
If you regretted it as soon as you left, maybe you should have gone back and said 'I'm sorry it's just that I'd rather wait'. But actually I think it sounds like you don't actually fancy her that much.
Your thread last week, with your excruciating euphemisms, made me wonder if you are afraid of sex. Now you say you have a history of avoiding sex with women. You refer to them as "attractive" but don't say whether you feel attracted to them.
If you are afraid of sex, it's okay to say so, and to seek advice or help.