Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Before baby arrives(13 Posts)
Okay so I'm 25 weeks pregnant with first child. Much wanted baby after four miscarriages..
Dp and I have a very strong relationship. My main concern is things that will crop up when baby arrives, like should we be discussing anything before hand like dynamics or anything. I know this probAbly sounds very stupid as having a baby each day is unpredictable but I wanting to know any issues that may arise or discussions others have found themselves having once baby came. Finances don't need to be discussed as we work very well with them and I know we will cope relationship wise with what we have already been through I've no worries about us. I'm more wondering is there anything as a couple regarding things like baby, feeding , cleaning and stuff should we discuss dynamics before or after baby born
Sorry if this is very muddled I didn't know how to word it
Or if anyone has any advice about anything regarding after baby comes it would be appreciated
It's difficult, because you don't know where the tension will arise til it does. Or what your view is likely to be until you've lived it. If you already have a strong relationship you should be fine, just don't me the martyr and make you're your dp lets you rest when he's home.
Our arrangement with a newborn was slightly different as DH was out of work until dd was 3 months, but issues included night time, who fed/changed/settled, daytime, who got up early, who cooked, getting naps in.
Am important one to discuss is managing visits once baby is here. You might not want anyone for a few days, but in laws might be expecting to rock up en mass at the hospital!
Wel dp works nightsbift so we've been trying to discuss how the dynamics would work around that. He wants it to be that obviously IL do nights web he's not here and he does a few hours in morning to let me lie in but dp get very stressed when he's working a few nights in a row on minimal sleep so I don't see that working as it would cAuse tensions with him being so tired. The visitation discussion has taking place many times we both feel we don't want family members dropping in constantly without notice and we want a few days to ourselves at the start. Dps mum had assumed she would have my baby every weekend from birth !! As that was the normal thing for her when her other two grandkids were born to Dps brother but I discussed with dp that I'm not comfortable with her assuming that and that it won't be the case and told him he needs to tell her she won't be having child overnight for few months and that's only if I need baby looked after (MIL looks after the other two grandkids who are 8 and 6 every weekend and has done since birth). We've discussed about alternating cleaning so one morning I have baby while he cleans up and then next day he has baby while I clean up and on days where not possible as one of us is busy etc then baby would be sorted first and then cleaning be tackled. Obviously we are realistic that this won't happen everyday but we have two dogs and a bit of cleaning would be essential each day for hygeine purposes x
You've just got to talk openly and keep taking when the times get harder. Good luck
Could your husband sleep in the daytime at his mum's occasionally so that he's not disturbed and gets a better sleep, while you're not tiptoeing around trying to quieten a baby while he sleeps?
No she would torture him aswell he sleeps through anything it's not him staying asleep I'm worried about it's if I'm exhausted being up all night and then dp cones home from nightshirt he would need sleep and it's trying to find a compromise where one of us isn't going to be run Dow xx
It is difficult, especially with shift work. I remember when DD was 3w old and DP did his first night shift I cried and called my mum to stay over
You're doing really well to think about it. Keep talking and asking each other for suggestions of what you can do. The biggest problem, we found, was that when you are tired and stressed it is easy to blame each other and start counting the minutes of sleep you have had, which gets you nowhere.
Don't discount your MIL. I do agree that sounds too much right now, but she might be able to help out a bit when you are very tired.
But don't panic too much The first year can be tough, but most people get through it and you just need to talk, and apologise if you have too much of a go at each other, and try to find your way through each day.
Also, not all babies are non-sleepers or have colic or all the many things you read about online that make it sound like the worst thing ever!
Thanks I'm just worried cz I was very sick so keep thinking ahead incase LO is which is ridiculous I know. I'm not taking away the idea of MIL having bY it's just she had a stroke a few years back and is only 41 and very forgetful and I think a newborn baby and two older kids is just too much for a woman who is forgetful and gets very drained very quick so I would worry constantly about baby. Dp and I don't really argue we learnt that in the past when we Tried we got nowhere o now we discuss issues when they arise we don't leave they to build up which is good and we do apologise when one of us is in the wrong. (I've been snapping at times with the stress of pregnancy and immediately say sorry) just trying to think Head so we don't get bombarded with issues if thY makes sense xx
I would definitely pay more attention to what was done as opposed to what was said. My Ex said a lot of things (he knew the right things to say) but when he was faced with a weepy MIL or any situation that made him uncomfortable, he would either cave or offload the responsibility onto me. Pre DD we rubbed along but there were a few latent attitudes (along gender lines) that weren't fully exposed until I was financially dependent.
In the end my relationship didn't last but not because of Motherhood. Motherhood exposed a lot of issues which I couldn't ignore or rationalise away, it raised my expectations of myself and my partner and that was a good thing.
Being a parent is a huge responsibility and it can become all consuming but don't lose sight of the non-Mum part of you.
Christ, I hope I didn't put a downer on such a marvellous event.
Just remember there are many single mothers & they manage alone, so you are 2 people who love & support one another so you should be able to make it work ! the most important thing is to forget about the house being a mess, as long as its relatively hygenic ! The baby will
probably sleep quite a lot, so you can rest if you feel you need to, (I had a baby who didn't sleep thru the night for 3 years, I never had an afternoon nap once) you can also use the time baby is asleep, to stick washing machine on prep bottles, whatever.
I suggest you stay as calm in your "new baby love bubble" as possible. Don't get anxious, the baby will pick up on it.
I think the most important thing is to compromise, keep talking & adapt as necessary.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.