Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Unsure what to do

(11 Posts)
justonepost Fri 21-Aug-15 18:02:13

I posted a while ago about being finally out of a bad situation with an ex.
Yesterday I received a text from the bank saying he changed his address and I contacted him once more (first time in 8 month) asking him to sign the paperwork to close the joint account as I keep getting updates.

He never replied before and always ignored all contact. But apparently the information that I was informed about his address changes and phone number changes etc made him want to react as I finally am getting released from this account.

Now here my question:

The reason I assume he is reacting is because after a car crash and problems with his mom (see old post if needed) he ran away in the middle of the night. leaving me without income (7 month recovery) without food without anything and having used up the joint account (he barely ever paid his share).

He did not pay the remaining months rent (total 475)

Never responded to messages

Never paid the wedding costs (all had to be canceled)

No pain compensation

Never paid His private loan (I had 2 jobs to support us) of 3848 that I sadly cannot prove (I was dumb enough to trust a fiance) which is made up of unpaid rent, unpaid bills, unpaid costs for all sorts of food car payments etc

He also never paid damages caused by his father, himself and the reckless behaviour of locking 2 dogs in a kitchen without enough water and food for 2 weeks (later he locked them in a garage for 2 days terpentine and all was there).

He responded to the joint account message within hours and it is closed. But no response to my request for my remaining money (obviously).

All I can prove is the mistreatment of the dogs (RSPCA was called out by neighbours)
The 475£ and that is it, sadly UK law does not seem to include the fact that he has to pay the complete wedding after tricking me into thinking he would go through with it.

Now my question:

I am in a happy relationship, my dogs have recovered and mostly so have I. It is a massive money loss of which I cannot fully prove much and his mother is nasty enough to make up lies (and play vitcim) and claim she witnessed him paying etc. Shall I just drop it? I cannot get a lawyer for free (again obviously as they do hard work and need paying for it) and was told even if i'd win i would pay a lot in lawyer fees.

Drop it and stay angry at the fact that he got away with this?

I wanted to drop it and get over it already (he left April 2014) until he finally replied to the joint account and my hopes were he'd be honest enough to pay me his dept back...

pocketsaviour Fri 21-Aug-15 18:14:16

I remember your thread about the dogs. Nasty nasty man.

OK, he's never going to give you the money voluntarily, that's obvious.

If you want to try to reclaim any of it, you could take him to small claims court. Certainly you could prove the rent charge, and if you had estimates from a builder/repairer/landlord you could claim for the damage from dogs.

Of course you can prove he hasn't paid because you would have a cheque or bank deposit.

However, if you do take it to small claims and are awarded it, you then have to make him pay. And you have no way of enforcing that.

I know it really fucking sucks to let go of it (I've been there with my "fiance" who did a runner with thousands of mine) but for ongoing peace of mind you may need to just accept that you've lost the money, and hope that karma kicks him up the arse.

justonepost Fri 21-Aug-15 18:25:44

You are right and deep inside I know it but uuurrrgh the frustration of having trusted someone and then being ignored after all that happend (crash, dogs etc) no responsibility for his actions (vet bills etc that I am happy to pay because they are worth every penny and to see them happy is very rewarding)...

I think he only responded when he found out I get notifications of what he is doing (it was literally hours after i sent the email that the bank called and said he had been in to sign paperwork).

Have you got any tips of how to let it go easier? My partner knows of all that happened but he obviously is uncomfortable with talking about my ex as he is worried there might be feelings.

Smilingforth Fri 21-Aug-15 23:22:58

I know it's a lot of money but if he hasn't got it and you are now happy I wouldn't bother.

Cabrinha Fri 21-Aug-15 23:37:32

I don't know what "pain compensation" is.

But for things like personal loan and wedding contracts - the law is very clear, whoever put their name to them is liable. Sadly, I presume that was you from you comment about trusting a fiancé? That's really bad for you, but if it was all in your name, I don't expect you'll get far with small claims court.

For rent, I expect you are joint and severally liable (if renting in both names) so again, I'm no expert but I doubt you'll get far in court because you were also liable for it all.

I've no idea with the dog damage, but again I presume in the rented property? So you were liable to pay it. I suppose a solicitor could advise if you have any possibility of claiming that.

Could be expensive to have a solicitor manage the whole thing, but you could limit the cost by have just one meeting to find out if you even have a case for small claims? If they say you have, you could prepare that yourself.

justonepost Mon 24-Aug-15 13:20:22

Thanks for all of your advise. I think I need to find a way to let it go. Just the fact that I was so wrong, the fact that he doesn't care and can just sit there and ignore me bothers me. He has the time to write a business response like email about the account because it would affect him but nothing else.

I really need to find a way to let it go as i don't want it to impact my relationship.

Any tips?

pocketsaviour Wed 26-Aug-15 11:01:34

For me, I spent a lot of time bitching to my sister about it, as well as other friends. Really the thing that helped me let go of the anger was when I heard he had had a heart attack and was in hospital for a few weeks. Obviously I wasn't gloating much but it helped to feel he'd at least not just swanned off with my cash and another woman to live the easy life.

Maybe you could write him a letter to just get things off your chest and call him every name under the sun, and then ritually burn it?

Wando Wed 26-Aug-15 12:22:03

It's very hard to get rid of anger. It will subside in time - it just takes time.

amarmai Wed 26-Aug-15 18:59:53

not sure but i think you can post some kind of notice re not being liable for debts incurred by so and so in the newspaper. Maybe check with a lawyer and if this will not backfire on you , put the notice with his name in the biggest type possible in what ever paper he, his family etc will be likely to read it.

Smilingforth Wed 26-Aug-15 22:43:40

I think you need to let go. Chasing this will just keep up the pressure on you and stop you from moving on.

justonepost Fri 11-Sep-15 12:27:19

I have finally found a way to drop it mainly through working with my dogs and distracting myself. It has been near 3 weeks and it no longer dominates my thoughts when i am low My partner was incredible supportive but was very concerned what it meant for us. Thankfully I was able to explain that there are no feelings of love for my ex only resentment and frustration at the unfairness of it all which I know is unhealthy and I am working on becoming better at letting go (in general).
We have agreed after some difficulty (for him the time was hurtful) that he trusts me and we are moving forward together. I am finally out of the joint account it seems (all signatures sent at least) and things are brightening up so thank you all for advising me and helping me on the way!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now