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If you get little or no affection in your marriage but do not want to leave

(196 Posts)
Donotknowhownottomind Thu 20-Aug-15 05:21:44

what do you do confused?

We are on holiday and the whole issue is really staring me in the face.

Literally h never touches me or when he does it is such an occurrence that I almost remember the date it happened.

Yet he is very touchy feely with the kids which highlights even more how much he doesn't touch me.

Night after night he will sleep in the same bed as me without touching me. Once in a blue moon he might initiate sex but mostly it's me - rarely though as the whole thing is a bit soul destroying. When that does happen it's mostly good.

We are now on holiday and have somehow ended up both sharing beds with the dc (who do not want to sleep in the same double bed) which has really really made me feel lonely! At least at home we are in the same bed (even though that is also very lonely - for their never to be an extended hand unless I do the extending).

I have told h how I feel many times. Have also posted about this before.

So if leaving is not an option, what do I do confusedconfused?

Donotknowhownottomind Thu 20-Aug-15 05:50:37

What other ways could I get my need for physical affection met?

It doesn't help that he often tells the dc that he needs a hug hmmangry.

Iamatotalandutteridiot Thu 20-Aug-15 06:02:25

What is there to do, if you don't want to leave?

My DH is very similar, except we don't share a bed... Haven't for a few years.

I think I am an embarrassment to him. But he won't leave and neither will I...

Smilingforth Thu 20-Aug-15 06:21:19

Have you thought of counselling. If you don't have intimacy (whether that is handholding or hugging or sex the relationship will continue to really struggle)

justabigdisco Thu 20-Aug-15 06:30:49

Watching. My H is like this, although does initiate sex. To me, that makes it worse, as he only touches me when he wants something out of it. He is cuddly (ish) with our daughter although I was really upset the other day when she fell over and he picked her up, placed her on the sofa, patted her on the back and started to tell her off for messing about. She was crying and I'm afraid I shouted at him to give her a cuddle.
We've done counselling and he knows how I feel, but nothing changes. His parents are very 'hands off' so it's obvious why he's like that but it doesn't help me.
Our marriage is fine in all other respects so I often think it's just something I have to put up with. A lot of the time it doesn't bother me, think after 10 years I'm used to it - but sometimes it gets to me.

MicrochipsAndMemories Thu 20-Aug-15 06:32:01

In pretty much the same boat here. No advice sad

Skiptonlass Thu 20-Aug-15 11:38:51

I was in a relationship a bit like this... I'm afraid I have no advice on how to fix it. Eventually, I left. It was a very hard thing to do but definitely the correct action to take.

I'm much happier now and so is he with his new gf.

Sorry, op, it's difficult. What does he say when you discuss the issue? Are there intimacy issues you think could be fixed with professional help or is this specific to his relationship with you?

InTheBox Thu 20-Aug-15 12:06:23

I'm afraid you're going to have settle this with him one way or another. If you've raised it a million times and you are still being met with a wall then it's time to get proactive about it. Book a counselling session and tell him to go with you. You'll need to continue to talk to him until you are blue in the face. If you don't want to leave when you have exhausted all other options then you'll have to accept that this is the way it will be. You cannot 'force' or 'make' him do anything and if he forces himself I'm sure you'll resent that it's not coming naturally.

I personally couldn't put up with that. Being lonely in a marriage is one of the most heartbreaking things. I'd even suggest a trial separation to see if that helps but ultimately if he persisted in being cold and distant I'd have to end the marriage.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 20-Aug-15 12:10:06

Why do you not want to leave?. What is stopping you; the children for instance?.

What do you think they are learning from the two of you about relationships here?. They, simply put, are learning damaging lessons.

Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable. These children will not say "thanks mum" for you staying within this.

Mycatlikesdreamies Thu 20-Aug-15 13:16:50

I'm in a similar situation. My DH is very unaffectionate and sometimes it bothers me. It becomes more poignant when you see other couples together doesn't it?

Mycatlikesdreamies Thu 20-Aug-15 13:23:32

Seems like there's a few of us in the same boat sad

Iamatotalandutteridiot Thu 20-Aug-15 14:03:18

Attila - for me... the reasons are:

1. I do love him. We don't NOT get on, we just don't have a physical relationship.
2. We lead pretty much separate lives - he works very hard. I mind the children. Other than at weekends, I wouldn't much see him anyway.
3. Our DS is autistic and would take any separation very hard.
4. DH would insist we sell the house which would crucify my son. He is only truly comfortable when he's here (He struggles to eat outside of the house and when on holiday, I have to take food for him to eat). Our last house, DS hated and would bolt out of it. It was sooo stressful. We bought this house SIMPLY for DS and have converted it to meet his needs. The thought of ever moving scares me... but there is no way DH would hand it over.

So I stay. It's not a bad life... certainly not bad enough for me to ever consider leaving.

DisillusionedGoat Thu 20-Aug-15 14:49:19

So I stay. It's not a bad life... certainly not bad enough for me to ever consider leaving.

So maybe accept that this is it. This is the best it will get with you DH, this, is how he is with you and it is not going to change much.

Perhaps, decide to be affectionate towards him and work on not being affronted by his lack of reciprocity. He is as he is. You love him. Love him as he is.

Just my opinion.

ImperialBlether Thu 20-Aug-15 14:53:49

Oh that would be soul destroying to be affectionate towards him and try not to be affronted by his lack of reciprocity. It would kill something inside you.

Iamatotalandutteridiot Thu 20-Aug-15 14:54:14

Yes, for me... it's enough.

I think the problem for us is arising because he would like sex... just not any physical romance (no hugs, no kisses, no handholding) and I'm afraid for me, that's jut not happening anymore.

But that said, I am not at all attracted to anyone else. I don't WANT to be with anyone else.

mummypig3 Thu 20-Aug-15 15:08:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iamatotalandutteridiot Thu 20-Aug-15 15:17:17

Hi mummypig and Imperial - yes you are spot on... we were like that for quite some time... I would be affectionate, try to hold his hand or cuddle him and just get the brush off (Always in public, at home unless he wanted to have sex) and it got to me... it's like he's embarrassed of me, so now I don't even try and I don't reciprocate any advances he does make (not that he does really)

Iamatotalandutteridiot Thu 20-Aug-15 15:18:25

And, if I was affectionate and he wanted to have sex, it wasn't acceptable for me to say 'no, I just want to cuddle'. it was sex or an argument.

So I stopped.

justabigdisco Thu 20-Aug-15 15:45:19

Yep totalandutter - you get fed up with trying after a bit don't you. Whenever I hold his hand, within a minute he's wriggling free sad

ImperialBlether Thu 20-Aug-15 15:47:31

If you have an autistic child I can see why you would want to stay in the house, but given that child will more than likely be staying at home for longer than a NT child, that means the couple will have to stay together too, surely? And that's a hell of a long time with a man who shows no affection.

HawkEyeTheNoo Thu 20-Aug-15 15:56:14

Tagging because I'm in the same boat, doesn't even sit beside me on the couch anymore hmm

mummypig3 Thu 20-Aug-15 16:10:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HawkEyeTheNoo Thu 20-Aug-15 19:18:05

Hey mummypig, it's my birthday soon, a big birthday, I'm thinking if asking for a cuddle shock outrageous I know hmm

InTheBox Thu 20-Aug-15 19:24:16

I left a relationship like this. As I said upthread I exhausted all options until the reality was to either accept that this is it or leave and carve out something else. I was absolutely terrified but I could not knowingly live the rest of my life in a state of passive acceptance. I'd resent him and more likely I'd resent myself.

I learned that it doesn't have to be an abusive throat grabbing, fist punching relationship in order for me to deem it acceptable to leave.

To those in this sort of relationship I do genuinely hope that you are able to find happiness and comfort in other endeavours. Loneliness in a relationship is a feeling like no other.

mummypig3 Thu 20-Aug-15 20:26:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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