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3 years down the line... and shit(17 Posts)
I'm sat here 3 years after falling pregnant very quickly with my first child thinking... shit. How did I end up here, like this.
I love my DS more than anything in the world, he is by far the best thing to have come of us, but it's like I've been in a whirlwind and I've finally sat up and taken in my surroundings as it's plonked me back down in reality.
I fell in love with my best friend just over 3 years ago and we found out after a very short romance that we were expecting. He did the honourable thing of course and stood by my side. I sold my house, moved in with him as his was bigger, this is whilst going through a very traumatic pregnancy.
I developed depression, was accused of trapping him by his friends, had to deal with his interferring mother, had to take time off work etc.
DS came along and PND took me hostage for well over a year, planning went out of the window and I began taking all my rage out on him. For not supporting me more with his friends and his mother, for not empathising more when I was pregnant and it's continued.
It took 2 years for him to finally put my name on the mortgage and for him to involve me financially in the house. Something that bothered me for a long time.
He's a nice man, just laid back, not emotionally supportive. And now 3 years later, I'm sitting in this pool of resentment. I feel very taken for granted, he doesnt appreciate all I've given up to give him a family, my career, my home, my independence. I feel very alone and I cant keep laying into him with all the anger I'm carrying around. Ive tried talking to him but it takes 2 to talk and he doesnt do talking! I've no idea if we have a future together. I want to try, but the resentment and frustration I feel towards him is overwhelming.
It also takes two to make a baby. Why did you give up your career? Can you get it back? Get back some independence? It is very difficult living with someone who has depression, and i imagine since you were only together a very short time before etring oregnant, it was even harder as there was not the soild foundation of a stable relationship. Seems you found out too late what he was really like, unsupportive, avoiding confrontation etc.
Difficult situation and really you need to
Work out what can be done, what order to do it in and how to get it done
He has also given up things to become a partner and father. It works noth ways. Work out why you are so angry. Do you love him enough and feel trapped? Dc can be hard work. He should be supporting you if not have you anyone in RL to talk to.
Why are you beating your 'best friend' up for choices you made?
"He did the honourable thing of course and stood by my side"
There's no "of course" about it. He could have turned his back on you.
From other threads on this board it would appear that 'greater love hath no unmarried man than that he lays down the deeds of his home to his partner' and it seems to me that you should clean your own house before you start putting your shit on his doorstep.
Have you considered that counselling may enable you to come to terms with the fact that it takes two to tango and that you led the dance?
From what you've written you sound as though you're angry with yourself for the situation that you've found yourself in and the choices that you made. And that as you recognise you feel so resentful that you take your anger out on your partner.
I don't think you need beat yourself up if you made choices that you're unhappy with. Life is messy, everyone makes choices that sometimes we wish we hadn't, we make mistakes. I know I have.
But simmering in anger and resentment is ultimately not going to good for anyone, least of all your child. You also seem to have a lot of expectations of your partner that you seem to think he's failing to meet. Again I really believe this is your own frustration at the situation you find yourself in.
Situations can change, you can get separated if you are so unhappy with him, you can start to make decisions for yourself that lead to you feeling happier within yourself. I don't know how you might go about this, or where you might start but counselling might be a good start. I don't think you're in the wrong here but I also don't think your partner is in the wrong (just from what you've written). Perhaps you need to work out the source of your frustration and resentment. Things can change!
You've had a very rocky start to the relationship and it's no wonder you feel extremely resentful. It all happened so quickly and no wonder you feel you've been dragged to hell and back and wonder how on earth you got here. Your anger sounds more at the situation, and the shock, than your partner. You have both had to make enormous changes on the hop; both not done so well with those changes. But hey you're human.
That said, if he won't engage with bashing out the shock and amazement you are both feeling, there is nowhere for your anger to go. That is a big headfuck, and so bad for you, him, your ds (sorry). You've tried to batter down his door until your hands are bloodied - but that door just aint going to open. You must be inside out with rage.
Really, get to a counsellor to bash out your rage. I heard of one man in therapy who spent endless sessions bashing a cushion, not saying a word (his father's head he was bashing in, apparently). You have to get this rage out in a safe setting. Can you afford counselling? By that I mean are you literally strapped to the last penny - because if you're not, counselling is sometimes an essential expense (like now) and you put off eg treats to pay for it.
While you wait for counselling to come through, have a go at wacking the bed with a baseball bat and let out that rage, verbally too. Do you have space in the day to do that?
I second counselling. It sounds like you're in a bit of a pickle emotionally and need to find a way of coming to terms with the changes in your life (which have happened very fast). Counselling will help with this, speak to your GP asap, and don't take no for an answer! You can go private if you can afford it, but if not then there will be a waiting list, so get on it as quickly as you can. In the meantime, getting your anger out in more positive ways would be beneficial - maybe take it out on the punchbag at the gym.
I agree that you need some support. When people have a series of challenging times it very often puts strain on the relationship. Taking about it can make a real difference.
Counselling. You need to release the fury. Let it out. Say all the things that you think aren't socially acceptable and can't say to anyone. It might just set you free and clear your head. Give you a position to move on from instead of dwelling on the recent traumatic past.
Oh and go back to work, go back to your hobbies, get interfering MIL to babysit and go for lunch for DP, reconnect and see past the anger to the man you fell in love with, he's still there.
Did you invest your money in his house?
You made some bad choices. No woman should ever give up her career, home, savings and independence to become a sahm
ever if she is not married. Your task now is probably to work on getting some of that back and getting out of this failed relationship. Being 'best friends' who had a baby doesn't mean you should be together.
I don't blame him for dragging his feet about putting you on the mortgage.
It sounds like you are now going to leave him and take his house off him!
I'm sorry to be harsh but you need to take responsibility for your choices and decisions here.
Expand on 'take responsibility' please Tryharder as I'm not sure how or what you mean.
Thanks for some good advice the birds and springydaffs.
Therapy /counselling call it what you will
Give this at least a year before making decisions . It s very easy to blame the closest person to you for how you feel daily ..but it's often deeper issues inside you that are bursting through the cracks .
Take no notice op. Completely unnecessary thing to say, take no notice.
You want to get this sorted out. There's not many of us behave well, are our best, in extremis - when events are so overwhelming we can't get a handle on it, can't think straight. Comments like that don't help at all imo.
It will take time. I know it's hard but be patient.
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