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should I go nc with my brother?

(17 Posts)
Alisabelle Wed 19-Aug-15 12:30:57

My brother makes me unhappy.

There is 2 years between us, I'm 32; he is 30.

He has Aspergers. This means he struggles a lot, mainly socially. He would like a partner, a family, but as soon as he meets a girl who he likes, rather than asking her out for a drink, he bombards her with text messages telling her how much he likes her, wants to be with her all time, reacts jealously and abusively when she wants a day away from him. Last girl he liked wanted a day away from him to visit her sick father in hospital and he accused her of cheating on him and said she must not want him anymore if she wants a day away from him. He just doesn't get it.

He only ever contacts me if he needs something. Money usually. I do get it back eventually but I usually have to badger him for it. In his logic, I earn more than him, so I shouldn't ask for it back, it should be a gift.

Most recently, he called me wanting me to write a new CV for him. He wanted this doing within 2 days. When I said that I had plans with dp and our dcs and did not have the time in the next 2 days to help him, he started swearing at me so I hung up on him.

He is the same with our dm. He wants her to drive him everywhere. She's afraid to refuse him the things he wants.

He makes me unhappy. But he's my only brother, and he has special needs. Should I go nc? please don't tell me to talk to him about his behaviour as he genuinely doesn't think he is in the wrong.

pocketsaviour Wed 19-Aug-15 12:33:55

Do you get anything positive out of your interactions with him, ever?

Alisabelle Wed 19-Aug-15 12:37:12

No. Not really. I used to, when we were teenagers. I wasn't a girls girl as such - more into computer games and football than make up and clothes. So we enjoyed time together then. But in the last few years he just feels like a chore.

pinkyredrose Wed 19-Aug-15 12:38:46

Just because he's got special needs doesn't mean he can get away with being an arsehole. I'd go NC with no hesitation.

derxa Wed 19-Aug-15 13:06:10

Oh for goodness sake! He's your brother. I wish my brother was still alive to annoy me. He died at 32 and we weren't getting on well but I'd give my eye teeth for him still to be here. You've said he has SN then have some compassion. It's not the best day for me to be posting because it was my father's funeral yesterday. The last of my original family. He was also infuriating but was my father. I don't understand this NC thing on MN. Human beings are difficult. If you did go NC would your life be perfect? I doubt it.

fearandloathinginambridge Wed 19-Aug-15 13:18:40

Derxa, I am really sorry for your loss. I remember how raw and low I felt around the time of my parent's death and respective funerals.

Your post puts me in mind of something I read on here a while back that has stuck with me - the OP has a shit sandwich, it may not have as much shit in as other people's sandwiches but it's still a shit sandwich.

derxa Wed 19-Aug-15 13:25:20

Yes fearandloathing You're right. I probably should not have posted today.

Alisabelle Wed 19-Aug-15 13:33:24

derxa I get what you are saying. I'm truly sorry for your losses.

I am just frustrated. What does one gain from a brother who rings asking for 20 pounds and when told that I can't afford it due to taking ds, dsd, dss1 and dss2 out for dsds birthday, calls me a fucking whore?

It's things like that which I really struggle to put up with.

JumpingJack56 Wed 19-Aug-15 13:41:28

You shouldn't have to put up with it and I speak as a parent of one child with asd and one without. It is a tough and repetitive process but we are teaching the child with asd that they don't have the right to treat people badly and speak to them badly to get their own well as teaching the youngest that she has the right to say no and not be abused for it. They are 7 (asd) and 4 and already the eldest knows that she does not get by speaking or treating us like crap....we have the meltdowns but slowly and surely she is learning and will now (after a while) apologise when she has calmed down.

You don't have to put up with bad behaviour from anyone, his sn is not an excuse for behaving badly. Do what is best for you as you will get no thanks for putting up and shutting up so to speak and really it does your brother a disservice if he carries on thinking he can treat people badly to get his own way.

AuntyMag10 Wed 19-Aug-15 13:43:26

he sees nothing wrong with himself, so coupled with his SN there's nothing you can do to try reason with him. He sounds abusive towards you and you don't need to accept this just because he has SN and he is your brother.

derxa Wed 19-Aug-15 13:45:18

He definitely shouldn't be calling you names like that. You need to establish firm boundaries like, "I'll talk to you when you are more civil." Has he bullied the family all of his life?

Bluewombler2k Wed 19-Aug-15 13:47:54

My brother died 8 years ago, and I miss him dearly but it doesn't mean I would ever put up with him verbally abusing me like that (in fact I used to have to put him straight quite frequently!). There is no excuse for being that horrid, brother or not. Imo I don't think going NC would be the solution as I would imagine it would be hard on you too, you might end up feeling like the baddie which wouldn't be right and would still be stressful.
Probs been done, but have you ever told him how upset he makes you feel with his outbursts? Maybe say next time that you will speak to him in a week or so when he's calmed down, as arguing is doing neither of you any favours? I'm sure you've already thought of these so sorry if I am being obvious. It isn't nice when grown up brothers or sisters argue as it's so tempting to resort to kids again, I remember it well! Hope you can sort this all out soon

I would go with firm boundaries and reduced contact rather than NC
I think his SN are something to take into account but as others have said that doesn't give him carte blanche to behave as he likes

Nevergoingtolearn Wed 19-Aug-15 13:58:14

I agree with derxa, he's your brother, how ever annoying he is he is still family, living with Aspergers isn't easy, I know it's no excuse for being a ass hole but it does make things a bit more tricky when it comes to relationships and maintaining them, you need to start saying 'no' to him or he will keep asking for money and lifts.

pocketsaviour Wed 19-Aug-15 15:54:26

Derxa I'm sorry to hear of your loss flowers

OP, do your parents try to pull him up on his behaviour or do they enable it? Have they ever sought support for him to help manage his condition better?

If you were to go NC with him, would it impact your relationship with your parents and other family members?

sonata1 Wed 19-Aug-15 19:26:31

He has no insight into cause and effect of his behaviour and says it like it is.Unfortunately that is Aspergers.My adult son has Aspergers. However, that doesn't mean that you can't tell him what is acceptable behaviour and what is inappropriate and what will happen if he continues like this. Hopefully it might make him stop and think about what you have said.

Smilingforth Thu 20-Aug-15 12:53:22

I think you need to have a very frank conversation with him. Tell him how it is and that this is unacceptable. Whether this will work is another matter

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