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Friend having affair with married man - what to do?

(42 Posts)
Quandary2015 Wed 19-Aug-15 08:50:20

One of my dearest friends is having an affair with a married colleague.
He has been married two years.
The affair has lasted nearly a year, throughout his wife's pregnancy and baby being born.
I don't know the wife.

She knows how I feel about it. It has nearly cost our friendship.

They are both adamant it is love and he is going to leave. However, there is always a reason he hasn't.

It is sickening me and I don't know what to do.

SnapesCapes Wed 19-Aug-15 08:58:20

I'd cut myself out of the equation and stop being friends with her.

You could give them an ultimatum; finish it or I tell the wife. You could tell them he has to leave or you'll tell the wife. Finish it or your friendship is over. But with each scenario you end up getting shot because none can end well.

Walk away and tell your friend the truth, that you can't be friends with someone behaving like this.

tribpot Wed 19-Aug-15 09:05:05

I'd tell her you will see her once the relationship is either (a) legitimate or (b) over. At minimum you need to tell her you don't want to discuss any detail of it, meet her with him, or be involved in any way.

Quandary2015 Wed 19-Aug-15 09:05:18

I am so upset that she is doing this. People would be so shocked because she is the loveliest, kindest person. I hate him.

Quandary2015 Wed 19-Aug-15 09:06:40

Other friends are accepting of it - to the extent that they went on a couple's night out, with everyone knowing the situation. I didn't go.

SnapesCapes Wed 19-Aug-15 09:12:49

You can't change how other friends see it, though. If they are fine with it, let them get on with it.

Also, it's ok to hate him (because, let's face it, he's a dick behaving that way to his wife and child) but your friend is also a dick. She might have been lovely and kind in a previous life, but she is as much a dick as he is. She's wilfully built a relationship with a married man.

Take comfort in the fact that when it all goes tits-up (and it will, eventually) you can be truthful if you're ever asked that you had no part in enabling it.

FolkGirl Wed 19-Aug-15 09:16:37

Don't hate him any more than her. He's not doing this to her.

Puffinella Wed 19-Aug-15 09:16:54

I feel for you. A friend of mine did something similar, although the guy had been married for 20 years and is substantially older. I didn't find out until after his wife did, though. He moved out, and now lives with my friend, although the promised engagement ring has never appeared (2 years on).

In my friend's case, she has a very complicated background, including serious abuse throughout her childhood. This has left her with a very screwed-up image of herself and the rest of the world. It emerged that the guy has had multiple affairs throughout his marriage, largely with women who are in some kind of vulnerable state (abused, recently bereaved/divorced etc).

It's devastating to stand back as a friend and watch it all unfold. So, so hard to know what to do. I told my friend that she was absolutely doing something very wrong, but that I still cared about her and am here if she needs me (obviously this is influenced by knowing her background and seeing that she is very vulnerable as a result - emotionally she is at the level of about a 13-year-old and this guy has taken full advantage of that. This doesn't excuse her behaviour, but it does add another factor into the mix). I have also told her that I don't believe the guy will do anything other than use her, and I don't wish to spend any time with him or socialise with him.

I didn't have the complication of the wife not knowing, though. I'm not honestly sure what I'd have done in that case. I assume you don't know her at all?

But here to hand-hold because I know how awful this feels.

SoupDragon Wed 19-Aug-15 09:17:39

I would ditch her. I could not be friends with someone who could be that cruel to another person.

SamJohnsonsBoy Wed 19-Aug-15 09:22:01

If she is really a friend I don't think you should drop all contact because sooner or later she's is going to discover the old truth that "they never leave their wives" (the excuses have already started, I note) and she is going to need friends to help her get through the pain of it.

You have made your feelings known to her but I don't see what else you can do. I would not tell the wife as you do not know her and have no idea what the circumstances of the marriage are. She could have a OM for all you know.

FolkGirl Wed 19-Aug-15 09:22:43

Yeah, I couldn't be friends with them either.

winkywinkola Wed 19-Aug-15 09:25:24

I don't know if I would ditch her but I would definitely distance myself from her whilst this is going on. Or I might not be able to resist telling her what a cretin she's being.

He is a scumbag and so is she, I'm afraid. Whilst his wife was pg and having a baby too?

How the hell does she justify this to herself? It's love? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Stupid cow.

He most likely won't leave his wife. If he does and shacks up with your friend, it won't be long before he is fucking someone else behind her back.

Like I said, stupid cow. He's a tosspot but she's really dumb to fall for that bullshit.

SoupDragon Wed 19-Aug-15 09:32:26

Anyone that could be complicit in betraying someone, especially a pregnant woman/new mother is no one I could be friends with. I think it makes them a total bitch.

Disclaimer: Of course the husband is a compete tosser, that goes without saying.

AuntieStella Wed 19-Aug-15 09:34:56

"she is the loveliest, kindest person"

Nope, sorry.

She's probably a very good actress though.

UrethraFranklin1 Wed 19-Aug-15 14:09:54

It really doesn't have anything to do with you though, so your only decision is whether you want to be her friend or not.

spudlike1 Wed 19-Aug-15 14:30:46

Every time you see her ask her how the wife and baby are doing ?
Tactfully approach the I 'love you' b***ocks for the utterbull that it is.
Keep it real in your conversation.
There lots of people who may know them both but who choose not to be involved / say what they think .

Wishful80smontage Wed 19-Aug-15 14:34:48

I wouldn't be able to have anything to do with either of them. 'Couples night out' while his wife's at gone with a newborn sad you did the right thing not going OP.
I would cut her out she sounds awful and cruel to me.

spudlike1 Wed 19-Aug-15 15:16:47

She is certainly deluded and cruel .
He's using her for sex while the wife is busy ...presumably he adores is devoted to his new baby has she asked .

If you are a close friend you have to say what you think ..tough but true .

Otherwise fade away ...find new friends

Summerlovinf Wed 19-Aug-15 17:04:43

He's unlikely to leave his wife unless he has to and what kind of man has an affair while his wife is pregnant and through his child's first year anyway? Your friend is deluded at best, as you know, but it's her decision. In your position I'd probably give her a body swerve until the affair is over or I suppose agree not to discuss it. I personally wouldn't be happy socialising with them as a couple.

BathtimeFunkster Wed 19-Aug-15 21:14:39

she is the loveliest, kindest person.

Clearly not.

Maybe your perceptions of her need to catch up with the reality of what an utter bitch she is.

Smilingforth Wed 19-Aug-15 22:56:15

Poor wife. With a small baby being abused and betrayed by both of them. Each is equally complicit.

lotsoffunandgames Wed 19-Aug-15 23:26:55

If she is really a close friend then you shouldn't judge too harshly, I know other posters disagree but we don't know the whole story and love can be blind? I think he is a bastard for fucking around on his wife, pregnant or not. She will see the error of her ways sooner or later. If you ditch her then she clearly wasn't that good a friend in the first place.
You can still see her and just not talk about her love life.

ARV1981 Wed 19-Aug-15 23:44:27

I think it depends on circumstances...

Did she know about the pregnant wife from the start? If she did then she's a bitch. If she didn't then I can sort of understand her falling in love with this Bastard.

I would cut her out of she knew about the pregnant wife from the start, but be more understanding about it if she genuinely didn't then fell for the guy, then fiund out too late.

Either way, what she's doing is so so wrong. But you know that or you wouldn't have posted. Do what makes you happy, but whatever you do please don't tell the wife - she'll find out eventually and your loyalty shouldn't be with her anyway. It should be with your friend (if you choose to remain friends that is).

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 19-Aug-15 23:54:15

"I'd tell her you will see her once the relationship is either (a) legitimate or (b) over."
Totally agree with tribpot.

She is making you complicit in her cruelty. That's not the action of a lovely kind person. That is the action of a selfish person who won't shoulder the responsibility for her actions, she want to share it around, telling herself her behaviour is fine because her friends know and are cool with it. (Couples night FFS, what were they thinking? <despairs>.

I really doubt I could stay friends with her.

DadWasHere Thu 20-Aug-15 00:00:41

Not your circus, not your elephants. Leave your popcorn and drink on the bleachers and step out. Don't get involved in the ongoing performance no matter how much the clowns want to call you back into the tent. When it catches fire, and you know it will, you will also burn.

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