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Why do I HAVE to accept my dads new GF?

(69 Posts)
timeou Tue 18-Aug-15 21:57:57

Long story short, mother passed away late last year and within weeks dad is dating a woman 10 years younger than him. I'm reasonably happy for him, he lives miles away and doesn't have a close relationship with me or my kids so it doesn't really practically impact on my life although privately I have struggled to get my head around it.

Dad has gone head over heels for this woman and her him so it seems but quite soon she tried to 'lock horns' with me over small things, things I'd discussed with my dad, text messages between my dad etc. My dad became really strange and distant, I felt him withdrawing from me, he stopped answering my calls etc. I found out that she was telling my dad to stop talking to me. I can only think it's being done to assert her authority alongside my dad. I tell my dad I don't appreciate her interfering between us, I don't want arguments and hassle in my life and that id rather not bother with her if it's all the same to him. I reminded him she's not my mother, she's his GF and if I don't want to have anything to do with her then I don't have to. I'm in my mid forties and just cannot be bothered with people who don't bring peace and happiness to my life.

My father has taken great offence to this, her feelings have been terribly hurt apparently and in a nutshell unless I accept that she's now part of the family then I can go to hell myself. So, I went NC, didn't contact my dad for ten weeks. I thought I'd let the land lie etc. he ignored my birthday which hurt me terribly and this week I broke and called him as quite frankly I've missed him. He gave me short shrift and told me nothing had changed - she comes first and I'm to respect her.

So that's it. I still can't quite believe my dad is doing this. Anyone else been in this boat and how did it turn out? I suppose I should have seen it coming, my father always put my mother first even when she emotionally and physically abused me, he was too weak to put a stop to that too. I just don't know where to go from here.

AnyFucker Tue 18-Aug-15 22:01:24

he's made his choice, love

stay don't have to do anything he or she says

Offred Tue 18-Aug-15 22:34:18

Yes, he's made his choice.

It also sounds like you are better off without them both in your life.

Horrible feeling though sad

MyLovelyFriend2015 Tue 18-Aug-15 22:50:35

You could stay nc, but what do you know about this woman?

I would stay in contact with him, making sure he is safe and ok - her? Treat her like a relative you have to put up with.
It is his choice who he sees, and quite frankly it's not up to you who that is in the same way he cannot dictate who you are with.

I think you are hurting because he has found someone so quickly and it hurts. (My stepdad died last year and my DM has moved in the new bf. .... I'm not sure about him, but the last thing I want is my DM isolated and alone)

goddessofsmallthings Tue 18-Aug-15 23:00:26

In putting his gf before you he's simply staying true to form, isn't he?

A weak man will always be pussy whipped into obeying the dictat of whoever he's chosen to provide him with sexual services. He'll call it love - others will call it for what it is.

flowers Non-contact won't be easy for you but the alternative will require you to worship at the altar of her who must be obeyed otherwise he'll have hell to pay.

Stupid man!!! He's losing out on the opportunity to pass the knowledge he's gained to future generations who will validate and venerate his life, but I guess that will be no loss to them as he hasn't much to offer in that respect, has he?

trackrBird Tue 18-Aug-15 23:00:43

You don't have to accept her. Though not much you can do.

It's all been very quick, and it seems suspicious that the new GF is so keen to create distance and hostility towards you for no good reason. Does your dad have assets or money? You don't have to answer. I'm just wondering if that's driving her attitude somewhat.

Not much you can do whatever her motives of course. It's a horrible situation to be in. But stick to what is right for you. flowers

MiddleAgedandConfused Tue 18-Aug-15 23:01:43

You can't reasonably refuse to accept her than he could reasonably refuse to accept your DP/DH or your DC. She is a part of his life now.
We had the same with my FIL - MIL died and within days (we think even before the funeral) he was seeing somebody else. They are now married.
He expected our DC (12 and 9 at the time) to sit down with her a few weeks after the funeral and accept her as his new partner. We said 'hold on - too fast for the DCs'; he went ballistic and we had a huge fall out that the family has never really recovered from.
Tread very carefully as his priority is no longer the family but her. If you want to have a relationship with him long term, what you do now will influence that.
I am not agreeing with what he is doing for a minute, but I have seen this enough times with other friends to know that the outcome is inevitable. New girlfriend is more important than previous family.
You have been demoted - you should think about accepting it or be prepared to lose your relationship with him.

timeou Tue 18-Aug-15 23:02:21

I not sure about her motives to be honest but when I gently tried to talk to dad about protecting himself as he was financially well off since my mum died he went straight to her told her what I'd said. She blew up and accused me of saying she was a gold digger and a parasite when I'd never even mentioned those words or said anything like it.

My dad has said he's an adult and does not want or need my concern. She is the love of his life by all accounts and he'd only wished he'd met her 20 year ago....hmm

They are acting like a pair of star crossed lovers with the world against them. If it wasn't so upsetting it would be comical.

MiddleAgedandConfused Tue 18-Aug-15 23:05:09

PS also my experience with my own DF and PIL is that the new partner really wants to cut contact with the previous family and integrate DF/PIL into hers - and will stop at very little to make sure this happens. You may end up having no choice about the NC as it may come from him driven by the new partner.
Do I sound a tad bitter?!

MiddleAgedandConfused Tue 18-Aug-15 23:07:17

This is so bloody familiar - a few weeks after MILs death when PIL started seeing new woman he told us how happy he was and how he felt like he was 17 again. The rest of us were still reeling from MILS death, dealing with grief and at the same time he was telling us how great life was...

MiddleAgedandConfused Tue 18-Aug-15 23:08:34

Sorry - correction - when he started telling us he was seeing her, not when he actually did start seeing her which was much earlier.

timeou Tue 18-Aug-15 23:09:51

Understandably so Middle, yes it appears this may be the way it's going to have to go. He's only ever been a very ocassional GF to my DC's anyway, no real interest so they won't miss out. I'll miss him though, at least I always knew I could pick the phone up to him.

I feel maddened that this woman has come in and thrown a bomb into our family and he's been happy to let her do it. Weak, weak man.

MiddleAgedandConfused Tue 18-Aug-15 23:12:55

My advice is to be gentle in how you manage this as it could so easily go so very wrong. We never see PIL anymore. May be once or twice a year and he only lives 20 minutes away. He sees new woman's family several times every week - her GC come to stay all the time. Ours have never been invited once. The new woman will rule and have her way.

timeou Tue 18-Aug-15 23:13:46

I suspect it was going on much earlier with my dad too. 2 days after my mum died I called to his house and she was there. He introduced her as a friend of my mum and him. Little did I know that 2 weeks later when he said he was going for a drink with her for 'company' that all this would happen.

She only lost her husband a month before my mum died. I can't get my head around any of it to be honest.

MiddleAgedandConfused Tue 18-Aug-15 23:14:02

I wish I could offer more positive advice. But we did everything wrong when we were in your shoes.

timeou Tue 18-Aug-15 23:15:47

Well it seems that NC is the only way to go, he's made it quite clear who his priority is. I've too much self respect to allow him to force me into anything im uncomfortable with.

timeou Tue 18-Aug-15 23:16:45

How do people do this to their kids? That's what I just cannot understand.

MiddleAgedandConfused Tue 18-Aug-15 23:18:11

Be gentle with yourself too - I am presuming it is not long since your DM died so you are still grieving. Don't make an NC decision under these circumstances. Back off from him, create some space to deal with all of this but leave the doors open so that in time, when you are less upset, you could possibly build a few bridges.

trackrBird Tue 18-Aug-15 23:19:44

Oh dear, that doesn't sound good.

When a new partner is keen to sow discontent and cut off existing family, you have to ask yourself why; and the answers aren't comforting.

This kind of situation in your family can be uniquely painful. You have to put it out of your mind as much as you can, because you can't affect it. But that can be very hard to do.

MiddleAgedandConfused Tue 18-Aug-15 23:22:05

I still do not understand why my PIL behaved liked this. He has withdrawn from all his family, not just us. It is heartbreaking.
My DH has taken the view that his DF spent years dealing with MILs cancer, so now his DF is going through a teenage phase again - living life to the full because he seen death too close up. DHs view is to give him room and space and see if he comes round. But there is no evidence that he is coming round, only drifting further away.

Twinklestein Tue 18-Aug-15 23:26:21

She's after his money that's why she stage-managed the contretemps with you.

MiddleAgedandConfused Tue 18-Aug-15 23:27:59

Twinklestein - I'm just not sure that is true. She will get the money anyway if they marry, without any of this trouble. I honestly think it's about control.

sonnyson12 Tue 18-Aug-15 23:33:53

A scenario not too dissimilar to divorce, a parent feeling such loss making desperate attempts to recreate a 'family unit'.

Understandable but completely selfish.

Twinklestein Tue 18-Aug-15 23:44:50

It depends entirely on his will.

He might, for example, leave you half and her half.

But, if she comes between you she may get it all.

To what end is she trying to control him, given that you don't even live near him and you're not close anyway?

If you were close and lived nearby I'd say it could just be possessiveness and insecurity. But in this situation I just think it's money.

MiddleAgedandConfused Tue 18-Aug-15 23:54:56

I think it is about control because I think the new woman wants a partner to fit in with her life - she doesn't want to have to fit into his. Far better he is an addition round her family's Sunday dinner table than she have to sit with his family.
Pils new woman has her own money - doesn't need his as she has a very high powered job. What she wanted was a new hubby to fit into the empty space in her world, not to have to fit into his.

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