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Emotional abuse - or being silly?

(17 Posts)
positivo Tue 18-Aug-15 17:35:28

It's been a long time since I've been on here to ask for help.

My children are now teenagers and I feel like I've woken up from a deep sleep regarding my marriage. Then sometimes I think I'm making this up in my head and I'm the one who needs help because I'm too sensitive or leap to conclusions - very confused basically!

Where to start?

I have my own business but it really only brings in enough to help with certain household costs - DH pays for most stuff.

I think my husband has been emotionally abusing me for most of our time together (22 years) only I've just not seen it or simply adapted to survive.

He has NEVER hit me and I don't feel physically threatened.

Over the past two years we've had problems, mainly because I've stopped putting up with his sh*t. he does most of the cooking - if we argue - he'll either throw the food in the bin or simply not cook.
He tells me I'm hormonal and a bitch at certain times of the month - this has gone on for YEARS and for a long time I've tried all sorts of remedies/drugs to try and cure me - at one point I was soo grateful that he put up with me and my hormones and felt like a terrible mother/wife. He still blames my hormones for EVERYTHING. I snap - hormones. I answer back and be VERY honest as to why he's pissing me off - hormones - even when I KNOW it can't be hormones - he says it is.

I was given an overseas assignment - amazing for me and he seemed really pleased but then a possible second overseas assignment came up which was in late December (after xmas) - he went ballistic - saying i was abandoning the family - especially when it was the only time of year he could take some time off as well, he used every tactic under the sun to stop me going. Sulking, crying everything. I refused, the assignment would have paid my tax bill and other bills I normally struggle to pay in January. I eventually told him that I didn't want to be with him anymore - I'd had enough. Then the crying and wailing really started - at xmas I got sooo many expensive presents, we went to couples counselling for a while, went on weekends away together and long walks and talks, things really seemed to improve and I felt bad that I'd ever thought I wanted to leave him and an idiot for thinking those terrible things - when I explained these in counselling - he always said afterwards - I think you are making this up in your head, I began to think he was right.

Things have slipped and I really am unhappy and again tentatively said I was soo unhappy I thought it would be better if we divorced. He immediately went into smooth operator persuasive mode and within minutes I couldn't understand why I'd even said it - I kid you not!!

He's now asking my girlfriends on facebook to be friends, following my contacts on Instagram and twitter, tells me to go out with my friends more often. Has organised for the kids to go to his mums a day early so we can have time on our own... The thing is we are good together in bed and we do get on but there is the nagging feeling that it will all go t*ts up again and where do I go then. He's being very attentive and complimentary. Last year i decide to do a Reiki course but didn't say anything to him as I thought he'd laugh - next thing I know - he's booked on one as well! It's a bit creepy and stalker like TBH

I came home from visiting relatives with the kids to a bed covered in rose heads and a jewellry box in the middle (my DD nearly threw up!!)

I am scared - do I throw 22 years together away - what about the kids, how would i even begin to pay for a divorce - let alone everyhting else...

The big question is - has anyone else gone through this - am I being silly - or should i keep making an effort for the sake of everyone?

pocketsaviour Tue 18-Aug-15 17:52:02

Last year i decide to do a Reiki course but didn't say anything to him as I thought he'd laugh - next thing I know - he's booked on one as well!

And you had told nobody about this who might have told him? If not, he's reading your emails and/or texts. Suggest you change your passwords immediately, make sure you use private browsing/incognito mode and wipe your history from today. That will also be why he's added all your contacts on social media.

If your DD was in a marriage like this, with a partner like your H, what would you say to her?

pocketsaviour Tue 18-Aug-15 17:53:26

Aside from that issue - he sounds horribly controlling and manipulative.

when I explained these in counselling - he always said afterwards - I think you are making this up in your head, I began to think he was right.

It's significant that he brought this up outside the sessions so the counsellor could not point out that he was invalidating your feelings and seeking to persuade you that you were imagining them.

DoreenLethal Tue 18-Aug-15 17:59:44

It's a bit creepy and stalker like TBH

Yeah. Not half.

Your call - do you really want to be with him?

positivo Wed 19-Aug-15 08:13:01

Thank you for your responses. The more research I do into this the more I think we are all at some point receiving emotional abuse from someone close. Or am I just thinking myself into the role of victim? He's being v nice at mo. Attentive, kind , being a kids taxi more often but I can't seem to relax and enjoy it because I worry about when the next 'bad patch' will come. Yet when I try to explain to anyone what the problem is..It doesn't sound like much any more so I wonder what the problem actually is then. Even when I've tried talking this through with him. Doreenlethal most days I want out. But I'm scared

JellyBean31 Wed 19-Aug-15 09:58:43

I was in a most exactly your situation last year, I has made excuses for his behaviour for 23yrs. Even down to the overseas trips our stories are similar.

Anyway the big question for me whether he was in nasty or nice mode was "am I being myself?" nd the answer was a resounding NO.

If he was kicking off about something I was either appeasing him, arguing with him or letting him stew, all of which where centred around him instead of me just being allowed to be me. If he was in nice mode I felt I was treading on eggshells so as not to upset the applecart, again not giving myself permission to be myself.

We met when I was 25, last year I woke up on my 48th bday with the realisation I'd spent almost half my life apologising for who I was or trying to change who I was (and I'm really an ok person) and decided I wasn't putting up with it any more.

At the next (inevitable) argument following some perceived breach in acceptable behaviour by me, I told him I was leaving. 7 weeks later I did and have not regretted it.

22 yrs of shit is no worth saving thanks

despicableshe Wed 19-Aug-15 10:07:01

I also spent time wondering whether it was emotional abuse in my relationship or not. Bottom line is, if you're being made to feel unvalued and like crap, you're more than justified to leave. Someone on here told me that if I'm unhappy that's the only reason I need to leave. Sounds simple, but it was really revelatory to me.

positivo Wed 19-Aug-15 15:06:29

OMG jellybean31 - we sound like the same person - DH and I met at 25, I'm now 48! How are you coping 7 weeks down the line - are you still at home or moved out - do you have kids etc...don't answer if it's too personal..

I want to leave but I don't know how. I have no spare cash, no major income (although working on it!) two teenagers - one still quite a young teenager and very vulnerable I feel. I've never had a mortgage, god knows how I'd buy a home - and rental is so high. He's already said he wouldn't leave and "rip this family apart" I have taken the decision to bide my time and build my reserves, I can cope a bit longer, I know I can.

The other thing I wonder is and I see him doing the same to the kids - do they do it consciously? I also blame myself for establishing a pattern of behaviour and sticking to it for so long. It's put me off men I can tell you!

It was a chance remark last year that made me stop and think. A young cousin split from her fiance not long after they'd moved in together. She resented the fact that he'd criticise or point out a chore that needed doing - but wouldn't do it, he'd let her go ahead and do it. It hit me then that I did EXACTLY that. Something would be mentioned - casually, in passing, I'd then sort it out/tidy/clean it whatever. So i stopped doing that to see if he would...nope.

Thank you everyone so far - I feel a bit clearer if a lot more nervous.

JellyBean31 Wed 19-Aug-15 16:04:34

I'm actually 9 months down the line, ended it in September, moved out mid November. My 2 late teen DS stayed in the family home so I rent a small 2 bed house close by, they take in turns to stay with me.

I miss them obviously, but haven't missed him at all. He's tried for a reconciliation on a couple of occasions but there's no way I'd go back. DSs support me in my decision, it has far from ripped their life apart, I have a much better relationship with them now I don't feel I have to watch what I do & say. Me & DS2 have a very silly sense of humour which we can indulge in my house by watching all the TV stbxh didn't approve of!

positivo Sun 01-Nov-15 22:20:25

Well. I'm out. Living in the spare room and 4 weeks on. He's gone from sobbing begging, not going to even consider divorce then on to he's there for me, to 'well I haven't been happy for at least 10 years but I was going to wait until the kids were oldr' and talking calmly to dating someone! FFS!! I am sooo pleased I've done this. It's awful at times and the kids are up and down. I've lost tons of so called friends over night. But I know I've done the right thing and I so wish I'd done it sooner. Just thought I'd let you know xx

Ladywithababy1 Sun 01-Nov-15 22:36:01

Wow well done you!!! That's seriously impressive. Hope you get happiness and closure soon. flowers

mulberrybag Sun 01-Nov-15 22:46:25

Well done, I'm so pleased for you.
Am going through the same thing. Still in the same house but apart - I know with absolute certainty that I have made the right decision but it doesn't hurt any the less. Keep on keeping on as the say on here & well done again flowers

carryingcargo Sun 01-Nov-15 22:47:07

Positivo, that's so good to hear, well done. And it will get better I'm sure. Good for you smile

AnyFucker Sun 01-Nov-15 22:51:18

Reading from the beginning of the thread, I was about to wade in and type "LTB" and then I discover that you have !

Completely the right decision. Well done to you.

Handywoman Sun 01-Nov-15 23:08:56

Well done OP - welcome to the rest of your life!


positivo Thu 05-Nov-15 20:39:25

yay!! - why do we stay with these sick men for sooo long?

It's still tough like you say but keep on keeping on - people still think I'm the mean one and he's the goody two shoes but hey - only those that matter realise the truth.

Thank you for your kind words - here's to recovery and rebuild!

positivo Thu 05-Nov-15 20:45:36

Mulberrybag - good luck on your own journey - I hope it all works well for you too - feels good on the good days doesn't it!?


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