N/C for this as I don't want those who know my real nickname to know its me. And apologies its long but I didn't want to leave anything out.
My partner & I have been together for 6 years, known each other a lot longer but we where both in relationships so had no clue we liked each other as more than friends & even if we did wouldn't have acted on it. In the space of 4 months we had both split with our long term partners and around 6 months after this we admitted our feelings and got together.
Lots of fun, trips out together & for me after an abusive marriage a feeling of calm that I could finally be myself. He was loving and thoughtful a great laugh and we'd talk for hours about anything. I was overwhelmed that I felt so human again after years of going through the motions just existing in a miserable toxic marriage.
As things do after 3 years or so routine began to bring me back down to earth, work was more demanding after a big promotion for me & he was made redundant after 20 years in a niche profession. He set up his own business & I covered the mortgage and all bills for the first 6 months while he built up clients. It was stressful for both of us and we were both exhausted after long days.
Sex became as rare as hens teeth, any show of affection went the same way. We don't argue and just trundled on doing every day things but the feeling of closeness was slipping away.
Which brings me to now, I'm not very good at expressing my feelings. He doesn't tend to talk about his either so communication in this area isn't great. I found he'd looked at porn sites - always in the half hour I had gone to work and he was home alone. Nothing unusual but it hurt that he'd rather get himself off than have the real thing as it were. I'd gained some weight as had he so we had a talk and he said he looked at it as it was easy and he felt self conscious about the 2st he'd piled on.
We both made more effort on the sex front up until a few months ago when he asked me to look for a book he wanted to download on his tablet. I found he had been back looking at porn again - probably hadn't stopped to be honest? Same hurt feelings but at the end of the day a wank is meaningless, many of us do it and it didn't seem to be a weekly occurrence.
It just hit me again that we were doing the same things day in day out and could be housemates rather than partners. So as I say I'm terrible at talking feelings so find it easier to write things down, I emailed him telling him how I didn't recognise or like the boring, frustrated, snappy person I'd become. Said we should talk at the weekend but I had no clue as to how he felt about me anymore. Wrote about lack of sex, lack of affection (from both sides) and that I didn't want to make the first move in either as I feel so inadequate and incredibly childish as it is why should I instigate it all the time.
I have a niggling feeling its me though....I'm just so bad at touchy feely tactile gestures. I crave it sometimes but feel embarrassed asking for a hug, as if Im needy & seek reassurance. I suspect this comes from my parents relationship, although happy enough I never saw a single display of any real emotion be it bad or good between them. I find it hard to empathise with people directly, if I read a thread here I can empathise bur in RL I wouldn't be able too. I'd feel embarrassed as I couldn't hug the person or find anything useful or comforting to say.
I love my partner but have I been the one who hasn't put in the effort? If I did would he be likely to do the same? Dreading the talk at the weekend but also wishing it would come sooner so I can find out if he still wants me and we can try to bring back some spark.
Does it all sound pathetic and trivial or do I have something to worry about?
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Is this the end or am I emotionally stunted?
7 replies
Miserabletrout · 18/08/2015 14:13
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