I posted on here a little while ago about the fact that my DC's are currently living with my parents due to SS.
I'm really struggling to come to terms with what I have lost and honestly don't know how I'm going to cope living the rest of my life like this.
I was going through some boxes of stuff the other day and came across a load of baby things and photos from the DC's and I just broke down. It's the same if I see anything posted about them on facebook, or at any occasion in the year when it's all about families (easter, summer, christmas, etc).
Anything to do with kids at all really sets me off and upsets me, even going to the supermarket at the moment is difficult as everything is about back to school stuff and I can't bear it.
Living in the town I live in, going to places we used to go together, driving past the house we used to live in, its just so painful sometimes I can't bear it.
I know there is always the possibility that I could get them back at some point but I don't know if I could cope with going through the whole process with the courts and SS again. I'm so traumatised from the last time that I don't know if I could prove that I was fully fit again, and if I tried and lost I don't think I could go through all that again, or put the DC's through it. So I have to accept the possibilty that this is my life now and this is how it will be forever, or at least until they are 18 and can come home.
But I cant. How can I live my whole life like this? Bursting into tears every time I see something that reminds me of them and the life we had together that they took away from us?
SS made me make a 'life story' book for the DC's, even though they haven't been adopted (don't know why) and honestly, it was like torture. Forcing me to go through all of our photos of our happy family life, knowing that I will never have that with them again, how fucking cruel is that?
I will never have another family either, I don't feel it would be fair to my DC's to have any more children so that is closed to me forever now.
Just don't know how I can carry on like this. It sounds awful to compare it to death as I've never lost anyone but I feel like at least if you are bereaved there is an element of acceptance and closure that you eventually get to, and people are understanding about it. I can't even talk about it with anyone as I'm so afraid of being judged. Even talking about it on here is very difficult for me.
I'm so consumed with anger, pain and guilt about the whole thing. I'm furious at the people who did this to us, ripped our family apart and then just washed their hands of me.
I don't want to carry all of this with me but how do I let is go? I feel like I won't ever be truly happy until I have proved that they were wrong and I have my children back but I have to accept that may never happen :(
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Relationships
How do I get over this?
Sinkingships · 18/08/2015 14:02
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