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How do I get over this?

(32 Posts)
Sinkingships Tue 18-Aug-15 14:02:29

I posted on here a little while ago about the fact that my DC's are currently living with my parents due to SS.

I'm really struggling to come to terms with what I have lost and honestly don't know how I'm going to cope living the rest of my life like this.

I was going through some boxes of stuff the other day and came across a load of baby things and photos from the DC's and I just broke down. It's the same if I see anything posted about them on facebook, or at any occasion in the year when it's all about families (easter, summer, christmas, etc).

Anything to do with kids at all really sets me off and upsets me, even going to the supermarket at the moment is difficult as everything is about back to school stuff and I can't bear it.

Living in the town I live in, going to places we used to go together, driving past the house we used to live in, its just so painful sometimes I can't bear it.

I know there is always the possibility that I could get them back at some point but I don't know if I could cope with going through the whole process with the courts and SS again. I'm so traumatised from the last time that I don't know if I could prove that I was fully fit again, and if I tried and lost I don't think I could go through all that again, or put the DC's through it. So I have to accept the possibilty that this is my life now and this is how it will be forever, or at least until they are 18 and can come home.

But I cant. How can I live my whole life like this? Bursting into tears every time I see something that reminds me of them and the life we had together that they took away from us?

SS made me make a 'life story' book for the DC's, even though they haven't been adopted (don't know why) and honestly, it was like torture. Forcing me to go through all of our photos of our happy family life, knowing that I will never have that with them again, how fucking cruel is that?

I will never have another family either, I don't feel it would be fair to my DC's to have any more children so that is closed to me forever now.

Just don't know how I can carry on like this. It sounds awful to compare it to death as I've never lost anyone but I feel like at least if you are bereaved there is an element of acceptance and closure that you eventually get to, and people are understanding about it. I can't even talk about it with anyone as I'm so afraid of being judged. Even talking about it on here is very difficult for me.

I'm so consumed with anger, pain and guilt about the whole thing. I'm furious at the people who did this to us, ripped our family apart and then just washed their hands of me.

I don't want to carry all of this with me but how do I let is go? I feel like I won't ever be truly happy until I have proved that they were wrong and I have my children back but I have to accept that may never happen sad

ShitHappens1 Tue 18-Aug-15 15:23:10

Sending you flowers

Are you comfortable to discuss the reasons why the children have been placed out of your care? Or are you just wanting to sound off?

Depending on the reasons why they've been placed, and not adopted, you could very well begin the road to access/custody. Even if it's only access a few nights per week, it may lighten you life x

Sinkingships Tue 18-Aug-15 15:58:31

I don't mind discussing it, as I genuinely feel that the reasons they had for removing my children were ridiculous and over the top, as does everyone else that knows me. I don't want to out myself though and obviously it is a very sensitive subject so it is difficult for me to talk about. They are under an Sgo so not adoption but difficult to 'undo' so to speak.

My parents have been incredibly supportive so access to my children is not a problem as they are happy to allow it whenever I can/want. The issue is that they live in a completely different part of the country and at this point in time I am only about to visit once a month or so as finances dictate, and moving is not an option right now.

category1 Tue 18-Aug-15 16:01:59

Can you move closer?

goddessofsmallthings Tue 18-Aug-15 16:06:35

How old are your dc and do you not have any contact at all with them? Are you estranged from your dps or are you able to phone or meet with them without the dc being present?

If there is a possibility that you can get them back at some point, please don't give up hope and start working towards making yourself strong enough to cope with the legal processes that will be necessary to see you reunited with them or, at the very least, to have regular face to face contact with them.

It's understandable that preparing a Life Story Book seemed cruel from your perspective, but for your dcs it may be all they have to remind them of the time you lived together as a family and they will know that you made it with love.

Should your dc want to have contact or live with you when they become 16, it's unlikely that any court will prevent them doing so. In the meantime, you can resolve to become the best you can be so that they can be as proud of you as you are of them.

flowers You've had some hard lessons to learn, but I have no doubt that the knowledge you've gained will stand you in good stead in the future. Be kind to yourself, honey, and know that nothing lasts forever.

pocketsaviour Tue 18-Aug-15 16:09:37

I'm so sorry OP, this is a heartbreaking situation.

I can sympathise somewhat as I lost access to my DSS when my ExH decided to move 300 miles away after we split, and as a stepparent I had very little recourse. (I don't have any bio children and had been bringing up DSS as mine since he was 5.) Daily phone calls (if ExH decided I had been "nice" enough to him when he answered the phone hmm but face to face contact was limited to school hols only.

Would moving closer to your parents be an option for you in the future?

LaurieFairyCake Tue 18-Aug-15 16:21:42


How sad for you. Your chances of getting your children back are greatly increased if you comply with what SS wanted you to do - whether it's getting yourself well or whatever they wanted you to do.

I understand your anger though you need to focus now on getting yourself into a position where you can contribute to the childrens upbringing - moving there etc.

what plans have you made to get yourself into a position where you can contribute positively to helping to raise them?

It might be helpful to get some therapy if possible to work through your anger - you really need to be allowed to be angry but then at some point be able to cope with what's happened to you.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 18-Aug-15 16:22:24

X posted. Scrub my above response!

I'm so pleased to know that your dps are supportive and that you are able to have ongoing contact with your dc. In light of that fact, it does seem cruel that you were put to work on a LSB but perhaps that was at a time when it looked as if the dc would be put up for adoption?

Special guardianship orders can be undone, but it seems to me that your priority should be acquiring sufficient funds to enable you to move closer to your dps so that you can see the dc as often as possible.

Other than financial, are there any particular reasons why you can't do so within, say, the next 6 months or a year?

The anonymity of forums such as this means that you can say here all of the things that you can't express to others in rl, and I hope you'll use this thread to create your own life story book which will serve to show you how much progress you're making/have made since you first posted.

Sinkingships Tue 18-Aug-15 16:53:57

Goddess, the life story book they asked me to make was after they had gone to live with my parents so the Sgo had already been granted and as such no possibility of adoption so not idea why they asked me to do it.

Moving is not an option at the moment as I am about to start university and one of the reasons my parents agreed to take the DC's so I could finish my course of study to improve my and the DC's prospects for the future - there are no uni's near my parents that do my course and I can't do it through the OU so moving won't be possible for at least 2 years.

Also, my parents live in London and I hated it so much I moved away with the DC's, plus the fact that there is no way I could ever afford to live in London.

Laurie, SS didn't specify anything I needed to do exactly, in fact they said I was doing everything I could but apparently I just wasn't good enough. That's why it was so difficult to make them happy because they constantly contradicted themselves and changed the goalposts so it made it impossible for me to do the 'right thing'.

Smilingforth Tue 18-Aug-15 18:48:27

I am so sorry for youflowers your parents also sound like lovely people.

Sinkingships Tue 18-Aug-15 23:01:19

Thank you Smiling and yes, they are. I am so grateful to them because I know a lot of people in my position don't get the option I have been given. At the same time I feel so guilty and like I've let them down so much because they have had to take on so much they shouldn't have to because of me.

I don't know how I can ever make it up to them, I don't think anything I could ever do now or in the future could. I know they don't blame me for what happened and they think it is just as ridiculous as I do but it's so unfair on all of us.

I haven't been very open with my parents about how well (or not) I'm dealing with it all because I don't want to burden them any more or make them worry. I don't lie to them but at the same time I can't really tell them just how awful I feel. My DF was worried when they first left that I might commit suicide, I was so distraught but even though I feel like it sometimes, I don't want to do that because then I really would never have the chance to make it all better.

Cabrinha Tue 18-Aug-15 23:17:28

I'm sorry to hear this, you sound in do much pain.
I really think you should move heaven and earth to live closer so you can see your children more though.
Is there really no suitable course? Your parents are in London, so the number of universities within an hour is massive.
It may be it is better to change course so that you can improve access.
London is expensive, but can you look at getting as close as possible balancing living costs?

Sinkingships Tue 18-Aug-15 23:27:54

I really don't think I could cope with a different course to be honest, one of the tutors is someone I had last year on a different course and they know all about what's been happening and are extremely supportive. I wouldn't have made it through the last course without him, he gave me so much extra help and extended deadlines etc.

There is no course similar near to where they live that I could get into, they are all either up north or similarly far away.

London is so hugely overpriced I have no hope of getting anywhere near it and being able to afford to live, especially as a single person and I can't move into my parents house as they don't have the room.

wannabestressfree Wed 19-Aug-15 07:44:44

Without meaning to Kick you whilst you are down you are proritising your own needs before your childrens. What course is not done at any london uni's? Once a month contact is not acceptable.

Sinkingships Wed 19-Aug-15 08:54:26

Lots of courses aren't done at London unis. More importantly, the entry requirements mean I couldn't get a place even if I wanted one but it's more the support from the tutors that I need where I am. Not to mention my sister, who also lives where I am and is my closest friend.

I have already thought about not going to uni at all because I'm not sure if I can handle it with everything that's been going on but my parents are really insistent that I go and try to improve my future prospects and if I quit now it will feel like a massive slap in the face to them.

As I also mentioned, I cannot afford to live in London. If I moved back I would be homeless with no job even if I did get a uni place. The council would probably house me in Essex or some other similarly far off place where I would have no money to travel and see the DC's or get to uni. I would be living off thin air, I have no housing priority and as a student am not entitled to benefits.

It's so easy to sit there and say 'you're doing/not doing XYZ and you should be doing/not doing abc'. It's easy for them to say because they arent in it having to live that life. It's exactly the same as the SS treated me, they thought it was so easy for me to do XYZ becuase they had absolutely no concept of what my life was like or how it was to live it. To them we were just words on a page and ticked boxes, we weren't people to them just names in a list.

underblackstars Wed 19-Aug-15 08:58:06

I can understand what you're saying there sinking

I think SS have such a reputation for only removing children as a last possible resort that when in fact they do remove children people assume you must have done something terrible. I also can't understand a lot of SS logic but there we go.

Forgive me as I'm not sure of the whys and how's but would your parents living with you be an option? Or is this not allowed?

redannie118 Wed 19-Aug-15 09:19:03

Ok so a few questions for you op,how far away from your parents do you live now , and when you do see your kids how do you get there car,bus,train etc?
Also do you you work full time,part time,do you have a live in partner?is there any way you can improve your financial situation even for a short while to allow you to save some money?

redannie118 Wed 19-Aug-15 09:24:52

Also I know you dont want to divulge too much here but the reason you lost your children is very important. If it was for addiction issues have you sought help for that?if it was for mental health issues or you just couldnt cope on your own (no shame in that ) surely moving next to your parents who sound very loving and supporting would solve that ?you may not be able to do it now but if you start out on some kind of plan (financial ,uni,counselling etc)at least it would give you something positive to look too

Sinkingships Wed 19-Aug-15 09:52:09

Under, I don't think they would not allow it but unfortunately it isn't an option, the DC's are settled in schools, dm has a job and I just don't have the space.

My children weren't 'removed' as such but I was bullied into agreeing to and Sgo - I felt it would be a less traumatic option for them if it was all planned and organised in advance rather than having to remain in limbo until the court date when they decided against me. I was 100% convinced (as was my solicitor) that the judge would grant one anyway if I didnt agree. I also thought it might help my chances of being able to get them back in the future if I agreed with what they wanted rather than fighting them as that just got me nowhere.

Their logic is non existant a lot of the time.

Red, I live about 300 miles away.I travel by train as I have railcards that allow me discounts but it's still at least £60 a trip.

I have a DP but he is a very low earner too and possibly may lose his job as the company he works for is on the verge of going under. I work but only part time, partly because of study and partly because I can't increase my hours (I cover other staff's days off).

In all honesty I'm not totally sure why I lost them. The 'reasons' they gave were incredibly stupid, things like on one occasion I left a bottle of calpol out in the kitchen and once I put my son in his bedroom to discipline him. There was never an addiction issue and although I have had Mh issues in the past I felt I was coping ok - I visited a GP at their insistence and he felt I didn't need any treatment. I have come to realise that I may have been suffering from MH issues worse than I thought, including possible ptsd but SS made whatever issue I had a hundred times worse with their behaviour towards me. I do still need to seek councilling but I haven't had the guts to do it yet, not sure if I'm ready to discuss all of this face to face with a stranger.

underblackstars Wed 19-Aug-15 09:52:25

She has got a plan - she's explained this.

underblackstars Wed 19-Aug-15 09:53:27

The main thing is that your children are safe and with family. X

lampshady Wed 19-Aug-15 10:05:52

Ignore if you don't want to answer, but how did SS become involved?

I had very severe MH issues, to the point I was hospitalised and wasn't allowed to be on my own with my son, so SS became involved with me. We were both 'placed' with my parents, who, thankfully, are local and still very supportive.

I dread to think what would've happened if my parents weren't able to take us both.

Are there the job opportunities for when you graduate to move closer?

Sinkingships Wed 19-Aug-15 10:40:02

I think there would probably be good job opportunities when I graduate so that's something to look at in the future.

It was basically my ExH that got them involved (unintentionally of course). He was a drug (cannabis) addict and borderline emotionally abusive to me & DC's. It took me waaaaay too long to leave him which I bitterly regret now. When I finally did leave him he moved away and I did struggle at first (one dc has SN). He paid no maintainance at all and when I asked him for help with the DC's he told me 'I had made my bed and needed to lie in it' - then I had to deal with all the SS stuff that he started on my own.

wannabestressfree Wed 19-Aug-15 21:42:49

How Long have they been with your parents?

Smilingforth Wed 19-Aug-15 22:46:40

such a hard story. flowers

I really think you need to be forward planning about, if not now, how you can move closer as soon as your course is finished.

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