Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Has anyone reported domestic abuse after you have separated?

(21 Posts)
snowflake02 Mon 17-Aug-15 16:47:29

I separated from my husband 5 months ago but he is still managing to mess with my head, control and manipulate etc. I can't take anymore and don't know how to make it stop. Is there any point in going to the police? I'm worried that will just make matters worse for me and wondering if it is too late as we are now separated and the more serious incidents were over 2 and a half years ago. Also a lot of what he does is very insidious and hard to put into words. He insists I move out every time it is his turn to have the children (3 or 4 nights a week) which I think is confusing for the children as they are young, but he says it is his house and basically I have no more right to be there than he does. My solicitor was horrified by this and wanted to start writing letters but I have run out of money to pay her, so I am trying to get legal aid so I can get some more help and advice, but its not looking very likely at the moment as I don't think i have the right proof. I just want him to leave me alone, to have as little contact with him as possible but I don't know how to make it happen. I can't take my head being messed with anymore, either face to face or in the near constant stream of text messages.

Lweji Mon 17-Aug-15 16:55:12

You can certainly contact the police regarding previous and current abuse.
You can get a residency order or an injunction, which would keep him away. Letters are useless.
And I'd push for resolution on the house, to sell or for him to pay the mortgage until the children move out.
I'd change the locks and let him have the trouble. Do not leave the house. And if he's physical or threatening call the police.
I'd contact WA, if you haven't. They may offer more practical advice and perhaps the contact of a solicitor who suggests more than letters.

snowflake02 Mon 17-Aug-15 17:21:03

I have only managed to get through to WA once, but have been given lots of numbers to call by a local helpline. I'm back to feeling mentally drained again. He has never been physically violent, can I still keep him out the house? I am meeting with a different solicitor this week in the hope I qualify for legal aid, but I am worried they will think its not serious enough as he has never hit me.

Smilingforth Mon 17-Aug-15 18:50:57

Wow sounds very hard. He has no right to make you move out of the house. My thoughts are with you and your DCs

snowflake02 Mon 17-Aug-15 19:12:00

Thank you. Wish I was stronger and could just refuse to leave, but I don't want things to get difficult in front of the children.

OurMiracle1106 Mon 17-Aug-15 19:17:27

The laws on abuse have changed .It no longer needs to be physical to be considered abuse. Mental emotional and financial are also now legally recognised and are able to be punished .Certainly report it .Push for an occupation order on the house as well and once you have that my advice would be to get contact legally written down and use an email address specifically for that and a phone for that and that only (only needs to be a cheap 10pound phone) keep all correspondence

snowflake02 Mon 17-Aug-15 21:23:17

Does it help to have reported to the police to get an occupation order? Good ideas about contact. I keep all text messages and emails and am now trying to write down things he says as well.

adorably2014 Mon 17-Aug-15 22:01:19

snowflake ring the numbers you've been given. Ring WA again, it took me a while to get through to them, or email them. Knock on all the doors you can. Speak to the police if you feel able to as well. I didn't go through NCDV but maybe they can advise you too.
I agree sending letters is likely to cost you a lot of money but not achieve much at all. What do you do on those 3-4 nights he's at home? Have you actually initiated divorce?

snowflake02 Mon 17-Aug-15 23:07:54

I have initiated the divorce but it is a very slow process!

Lweji Mon 17-Aug-15 23:11:59

Check this out for occupation order

If you are feeling overwhelmed, do talk to your gp, if you haven't. They may be able to offer further psychological support and record any abuse.

snowflake02 Mon 17-Aug-15 23:23:43

Thank you. Perhaps I should speak to my GP after all. I have nothing to gain by continuing to keep quiet.

Lweji Mon 17-Aug-15 23:30:07

Exactly.

I hope you do get somewhere. By experience, and while it takes a lot of effort, it pays to stir things up and don't put up with everything they want. You will feel better too for standing up for yourself.

starlight2007 Mon 17-Aug-15 23:31:41

Yes you should not have to move out of your own home.Call the numbers women aid gave you, call everyone who may be able to help..Call WA back if necessary..

Good luck

snowflake02 Mon 17-Aug-15 23:34:24

Thank you, it is time I stood up for myself.

RealityCheque Tue 18-Aug-15 00:37:45

As others have said, you should not have to leave your home.

As others seem to regularly forget on here, neither should he.

The best thing by far to do is get the divorce and financial separation sorted as soon as possible so you can BOTH move on with separate places and lives.

Lweji Tue 18-Aug-15 06:45:34

He shouldn't have to move home, normally. But if he is abusive then the op has the right to be free from him.
That's what residency and no contact orders are for. For a court to assess it and protect the vulnerable.

Smilingforth Tue 18-Aug-15 08:26:09

Talking to your GP seems like great advice to me.

snowflake02 Tue 18-Aug-15 10:11:41

Yes, it might be time to do that. I just never thought it would help. The counsellor the GP sent me to told me i deserved everything I got because I had chosen to stay. That made me want to keep quiet again and of course wish I had never said anything at all.

Lweji Tue 18-Aug-15 14:45:30

The counsellor the GP sent me to told me i deserved everything I got because I had chosen to stay

Wow!
I hope you misunderstood the counsellor, but, if that was the case, it was a major counselling failure.

snowflake02 Tue 18-Aug-15 15:53:26

I think her exact words were 'you have no right to complain about anything he says or does to you because you have chosen to stay'.

Lweji Tue 18-Aug-15 18:45:36

Bloody hell. You should report her.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now