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BIL confided in me now I need to speak to Sis

(26 Posts)
itispersonal Mon 17-Aug-15 15:10:59

Don't know to start this so suppose i'll just type and I hope it makes sense.

BIL phoned me this morning in tears, saying what is missing from his life is children/family and has now given my sis an ultimatum of she needs to lose weight to be a healthish weight as she is morbidly obese in order to give them the best possible chance of becoming pregnant. He said this conversation had been going on for many years and they have been TTC for over 10 years and now getting into their mid 30s.

My sis who is a few years older than me has always been big and both sis and BIL are big people and both come from big families. Whereas as BIL can lose weight quickly though not by a maintainable way, ie. eating 1 meal, cambridge etc he has never kept it off, my sister isnt the same and we arent the type of people who cant eat all day.

Sister has previously suffered 2 miscarriages. BIL has asked me to speak to my sister, as he says he loves her very very much and but wants children in his life and wants both of them to give being able to have children and even to go down IVF a chance of having and doesn't want it to be the thing he regrets in 15/20 years time.

BIL has asked me to have a talk with my sister but although we get on we never really have emotional chats and just a bit lost. Plus I feel a bit of hypocrite as I got pregnant without trying (though had just gone a healthier diet) and sister last pregnancy was a few weeks behind mine before she had her mc.

Should I ask my sister, what does she want? Does she want kids? Does she want to lose weight?

StealthPolarBear Mon 17-Aug-15 15:15:06

So he is obese as well?
I'd stay out of this!

FuckFaulknerILikeTheGruffalo Mon 17-Aug-15 15:17:02

If I were you I'd be telling your BIL to not drag you into his marriage problems. His inability to communicate with his DW/make enough of an argument to motivate her is his problem, not yours.

I don't really think your DSis would like the "So your husband says you need to lose weight because he wants babies. I'm here to talk sense into you" chat very much and would quite rightly bite your head off, and then her DH's.

Your BIL is way out of line for trying to make this your business when it isn't.

AnyFucker Mon 17-Aug-15 15:17:40

stay well away

tell your BIL to talk to his own wife, but he'd better be ready for the accusations of complete hypocrisy

has a health professional advised your sis to lose some weight in order to conceive ?

VerityWaves Mon 17-Aug-15 15:21:25

Id stay out of this! If he has something to say HE needs to say it.

itispersonal Mon 17-Aug-15 15:26:41

I think he has talked/pleaded with sister many times over the years to lose weight but neither have probably got to a healthy weight.

I do think BIL has thought about this a long time and he discussed this with this sis and his parents.

I feel my sister probably does need someone to talk to, as doesnt really talk about these things, not sure if even with my mum. But not sure how I can help her. I think he's at a lose and doesnt what the marriage to end and trying to do everything so it doesnt. But can see the ultimatum as making her go the other way.

I'm not sure if they've been to doctors to see what the problem is with TTC but I think they both know the first answer from the dr will be too lose weight, which BIL does but this isnt followed by sis and then his weight goes back up.

Also my point to BIL is even if lose weight doesnt necessarily mean they will conceive and many of my mum's side has struggled to conceive, adopted etc.

MrsDeVere Mon 17-Aug-15 15:36:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jeronimoh Mon 17-Aug-15 15:42:09

Surely the best way to encourage his wife to lose weight is to lose his own weight.

itispersonal Mon 17-Aug-15 15:49:00

He does lose weight but then puts it back on.

But they both do it faddy wise like the cambridge diet, rather than actually changing their diet and lifestyles for the long term.

I think because it's a weight issue or request to lose weight it's seem as a trigger, whereas it's just he wants them both to be as healthy as they can be to give them every chance and feels by her not doing so is her saying she doesnt want kids, which I dont think is true but can see how you could interpret that way.

Deeznutz Mon 17-Aug-15 15:58:50

Well you need to tell him to sort his own shit out. Advise him to be supportive to his partner and go on a health kick together.

RightHandRed Mon 17-Aug-15 16:03:11

I would really stay out of it OP. This is an issue in their marriage and no good can come of you interfering - however well intentioned.

Tiggeryoubastard Mon 17-Aug-15 16:03:59

Absolutely not your business. Tell him so. No more, no less.

Costacoffeeplease Mon 17-Aug-15 16:10:19

You don't need to talk to her, and I don't really think you should - it's between them, and they need to resolve it, I can't see your input helping, and it will just put you in a difficult position

jeronimoh Mon 17-Aug-15 16:11:41

Is he using your dsis as an excuse to justify his own bad choices?

BerylStreep Mon 17-Aug-15 16:11:50

It's pretty manipulative and underhand of him to discuss this with you.

I would never forgive my DH for discussing any issues we had with any of my siblings.

It's not clear if the advice to lose weight has come from a GP - of course it would be better to lose weight, but there could also be underlying issues, such as under-active thyroid which are contributing to both the weight issue and fertility, or food intolerances.

pocketsaviour Mon 17-Aug-15 16:17:10

Has she ever talked to you about wanting kids or having trouble TTC?

If she knows that her weight is not helping her conceive, and she does want to have kids, then if she is actually morbidly obese (I've heard people throw this term around before when in fact the person is only 3-4 stone overweight) she would probably qualify for weight loss surgery, if she approached her GP about it. There is a huge amount of pre-qualification though, including psych evaluation.

Has he actually given her this ultimatum yet? If he has, I don't see what else you can do. She is prioritising her addiction (to food) over starting a family.

zzzzz Mon 17-Aug-15 16:20:16

WTF! If they have been trying for more than a year they need to go and see a Dr. Why would it be better for you to tell Dsis to lose weight than her own health care practitioner? confused

Your BIL is being weird and horrible and I personally would be utterly furious at his tactics. Tell him to stop being so disrespectful to your sister and that if he doesn't you WILL be talking about it with her and your advice will be not to procreate with such a tosser.

Isetan Mon 17-Aug-15 16:20:50

Stay out of it, if he really has difficulty in talking to his wife then suggest that he go down the counselling route. It sounds like he expects his wife to be making all the changes and given his history of yo yo dieting he's being a bit of a hypocrite.

I get that you feel sorry for him but you aren't qualified to get involved in someone else's marriage, particularly when you've only heard one side of the story.

Encourage him to seek the services of a professional.

Katsite Mon 17-Aug-15 16:25:11

Isn't that what families are for? To support one another and talk?

as MrsdeVere said, we don't know your sister or your BIL but surely it is actually a positive thing to help them talk things through. Maybe your sister would like help from her family in getting out of the lifestyle that is making her sick and reduces her chances of having children. If she has been TTC for over 10 years I think we can assume that she would also like children.

Joysmum Mon 17-Aug-15 16:28:44

Cambridge isn't faddy is you go through to the end to reintroduce food by learning what, and how much you can eat and what your food/emotional triggers are.

Trouble is, most people just do the the weight loss programmes then don't work through all the plans so the perception is that it's faddy.

People can only lose weight when they feel ready to and whatever it is clicks into place.

I think that there are those who genuinely don't understand how to eat well or let things slide and then there are those for whom their are psychological issues.

Those with psychological issues don't succeed because by dieting, the treat the cause not the symptom.

itispersonal Mon 17-Aug-15 16:51:31

Spoke to bil again as didn't understand what he wanted me to. He said he wants me to talk to my sister where she is at the mo, as they are both sad and doesn't think she has anyone to talk to about her feelings.

BerylStreep Mon 17-Aug-15 17:05:44

And what was your response?

itispersonal Mon 17-Aug-15 17:11:34

I'll listen to her but I'm saying anything about losing weight etc

Smilingforth Tue 18-Aug-15 07:07:32

That's a very different request from the BiL which is basically to listen. If she does suggest she wants to conceive you could suggest they see the GP who may well advise her to lose weight. But don't get stuck in the middle. Good luck

jeronimoh Tue 18-Aug-15 12:11:04

I would be annoyed if my dh went to my sister to discuss something like this.
Is he expecting you to report back to him? Why doesn't he talk to her about her feelings?

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