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Need help. I am struggling with the whole "polished" thing.

(24 Posts)
SixthGear Mon 17-Aug-15 09:57:15

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chamerion Mon 17-Aug-15 10:00:10

Could you greet them first?

Surely it would be harder for them to be cold towards you with your family watching?

FunnyNameHere Mon 17-Aug-15 10:07:31

What do you want advice on? How not to care, or how to look like you don't care?

SixthGear Mon 17-Aug-15 10:08:26

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SixthGear Mon 17-Aug-15 10:09:49

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OneDayWhenIGrowUp Mon 17-Aug-15 10:16:15

You can't change other people, only your reaction to them.

I guess you've got 3 options depending on what the back story is to things reaching the point where this person is being so rude to you
1. Decline to spend any more time with them, because why anyone deliberately spend time with someone who treats them like this
2. Approach it head on, one-to-one and face-to-face, in a concerned, friendly tone and ask what they feel so offended about that they act this way, that it is upsetting to you, and how can you both resolve it so you can continue to spend time together and both be happy with the situation
3. Ignore their childish behaviour and just be super friendly and super nice back, greet them first etc, don't let their digs get to you, always remembering their behaviour is their problem not yours.

SixthGear Mon 17-Aug-15 10:27:06

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stevienickstophat Mon 17-Aug-15 10:28:46

So you're asking how to hide your feelings and behave in a less authentic manner?

For who's benefit? Who has asked you to do this?

jeee Mon 17-Aug-15 10:33:40

So you don't like x, x doesn't like you, but when you met in a public situation they greeted you politely albeit coldly. You sulked were then in a bad mood all afternoon. Just take a leaf out of their book, and stick to the polite but distant approach. Easy for you and every one about you.

FunnyNameHere Mon 17-Aug-15 10:34:12

You need to find a way genuinely NOT to care. Don't waste energy trying to cover up your feelings; change your feelings!

I used to fume about my exDH and his weirdo gf. I'd think about them when I was cleaning and end up ramming the Hoover violent,y into the walls. blush But one day, I had a lightbulb moment and just decided to accept them. She does weird, weird stuff, and exDH is a total twunt, but I accept that. I said it out loud - "I have acceptance of this situation!" -- and honestly, it was like a weight lifted.

Could you try something like that? Accept that they're weird. It's odd and strange, but you accept it. It doesn't really affect your happiness -- you still have a lovely life, you only see these people occasionally, it doesn't actually alter your own serenity and fabulousness if they don't kiss you. You accept it.

When you change your feelings, your actions naturally follow.

Ragwort Mon 17-Aug-15 10:37:19

Agree with jeee - you admit that they don't like you and the feeling is mutual so why would you want to kiss and hug them? confused. Just be formally polite but don't presume an 'intimate' relationship with them, especially when neither your or they want that sort of friendship.

Is there more to this than you are telling us here?

SixthGear Mon 17-Aug-15 10:45:01

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Twinklestein Mon 17-Aug-15 10:50:23

Just stop caring whether they like you or not, you don't need them to. It's not as if you like them.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 17-Aug-15 10:55:05

I take it as read this is a relative on your DHs side of the family. Presumably as well he does not notice this person's coldness towards you.

Having also had the ignoring behaviour from my MIL after she has warmly greeted DH and DS, I have found that option 3 that OneDay has cited has worked to an extent.

nozzz Mon 17-Aug-15 10:58:57

Jeee's response is one that makes sense to me; but sounds like there's a whole back story to this that I'm not aware of.

schlong Mon 17-Aug-15 11:03:25

Why bother going to see someone who doesn't like you? Maybe I'm missing something here. As per.

MairzyDoats Mon 17-Aug-15 11:13:28

My approach to someone like this is to be completely warm, effusive and over the top friendly. I don't like them, they don't like me, they want to see that they've got to me and I'm damned if I'm going to give them what they want. Their confusion at first was quite amusing, now they're just wary and irritated smile

pocketsaviour Mon 17-Aug-15 11:19:23

Why not just not go? Why should you have to do all this hard work to placate a pack of cunts?

SixthGear Mon 17-Aug-15 11:20:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BerylStreep Mon 17-Aug-15 11:28:21

I hate having to pretend to be nice to people I don't like. Personally I would object to fake hugs and greetings more than a distant acknowledgement.

Perhaps you could spend the time having a bit of fun imagining silly things - For example, that the eyes dropping to the floor and not hugging you was because they are in fact able to see the invisible SIL-destroying deathray gun that you have poking out of your handbag, or some equally silly image.

It will help you to achieve that far away enigmatic smile that helps in these occasions.

schlong Mon 17-Aug-15 11:28:52

Status Quo were a shit band anyway, op.wink

schlong Mon 17-Aug-15 11:33:40

And it took my mil I'm now happily NC with giving me a burnt to cinders steak when I was pregnant because she'd been chatting to my bil on the phone and had "forgotten" it was cooking for my dh to finally realize she had a bit of a problem with me. Men willfully ignore tension for an easy life but you've gotta make him step up. Is it your mil?

SugarOnTop Mon 17-Aug-15 14:06:06

.none of them seem to care about you being treated like shit anyway so i would just say my piece and let WW3 kick off...but then i've reached my limit of staying silent and putting up with other people's crap for years grin

SixthGear Mon 17-Aug-15 16:16:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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